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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The longer my mums not been here, the worse I feel.

48 replies

Murphs1 · 01/12/2023 22:59

My mum died in the winter of 2016. Obviously the winter and Christmas brings up memories of my mum, and how much I wish she was still here. I know Christmas brings grief to the fore, but I still miss her so much and wish she was here. My kids are in 13 and 15 and feel they have missed so much, not having my mum in their lives. Does anyone else feel like this a long time after their parent has passed?

OP posts:

SamphireAndSalmon · 02/12/2023 00:35

Oh OP. Big hugs to you 🌷

Ladybird69 · 02/12/2023 00:38

Bless you @ragdollyanna1974 im so sorry that you’re in so much pain too x

wlv12 · 02/12/2023 00:42

My mum died Christmas Day 2020.

It doesn’t seem possible that it’s been 3 years since I last saw and held her, thanks to lockdown. I hate this time of year, the songs, the jolity, even the memory of having ordered our food and picking it up on the 23rd, all the while hoping she wouldn’t die while I was en route and I’d get the news in the car.

I often long to tell her things, or have her hold me, or reassure me. And the longer she’s dead the longer I miss her and the of my life she’s missing.

Hugs to everyone missing someone.

SnoozeToMe · 02/12/2023 00:44

I’m really sorry OP and all the posters missing their mums. Mine died just over eight years ago. Just the other day I heard something funny and thought ‘I must tell mum that’. Even after so long it takes me by surprise again.

Mother87 · 02/12/2023 00:50

Yes it's got worse for me & I was fed all the "time heals" stuff, that wasn't really helpful. Along with the "five stages of grief" theory. Both meaningless to me - and at times it's seemed illogical, missing my dad more and more, four years later... Miss him more because itMs been so long since I've seen or heard him. Honestly - at times, I'm completely "shocked" that he's not here

Bellossom · 02/12/2023 00:54

2012 here and it's still so hard. She's just missed out on more things and as I get older the age she died seems so much younger.
I got a new job this week and would do anything to tell her

endofthelinefinally · 02/12/2023 00:57

I think it is absolutely normal. I lost my son in 2016. In many ways this year has been harder than the previous one. I miss him every single day. I am sorry for your loss.

Wiccan · 02/12/2023 01:27

Hugs to you OP and everyone who is struggling 🙏 My mum died 2 years ago , I'm going through some things that I know only my mum would understand, there is so much I want to tell her and she would know exactly what to say . My mum would be so upset and angry at the way some people have treated me since her death. Nothing feels right and I miss her more each day .

fluffycloud · 02/12/2023 02:27

It was Winter 2017 for me, OP, and I know precisely how you feel. It’s almost as if society has conditioned us to expect to feel better with the passing of time but the reality is at odds with that. Even now, when driving alone in the car, I cry a few times a week because I miss my mother so much. My heart is utterly broken and I try fervently to stick the bits back together to keep it beating but I’m not fooling myself. I just need my mother-even though I am a 50 year old mother myself. A visceral need for my mother, a courageous woman who always wanted the best for me. I will never be the same again.

BensonStabler · 02/12/2023 03:01

I lost my Mum in 2010, she was only 54. She died when my dd was just turned 6, but hadn’t seen her for two years prior to her death due to her severe health problems. Some of it too frightening for a young child.

The first few years the grief was unbearable, gradually it started to be - not less, but I suppose I acclimated to it. Then as soon as it hit 10 years, it started to feel intensely painful again, each year that passes now it’s increasing even more so, and so deep and raw again. I yearn for her so badly and get so distraught at the amount of years since I last seen her. I also feel that loss and guilt for my dd not having her GM who would have adored her.

I don’t know if that’s the norm but I feel for you. Truly. It is like a part of you and your heart and soul dies with them. 💐

BensonStabler · 02/12/2023 04:33

Thanks OP, and to each of you who shared your very personal at private pain. The way many of you have articulated what I struggle to put into words has really helped me. I am so very sorry for your loss.

I especially loved the advice that grief is just love with nowhere to go. It was a sweet reminder that the reason we feel this so deeply, is because we loved them so deeply too. 🥰 We need to focus on the love and precious cherished memories more than the pain. Although clearly that is easier said than done.

Much love and hugs to all of you who are grieving the loss of your beloved parents and beautiful child. You are not alone in these feelings. xx 💔❤️‍🩹💐

Andarna · 02/12/2023 04:51

Mine does 12 years before my child was born. Having a child made it so much worse. I want my mum to see my child, I want her advice, I want to tell her the funny stories.

Doesn't change a thing though. I id start documenting stuff for my child so she has somethimg later. Thinking of making video's as well of me talking about family history and stuff.

Greenfinch7 · 02/12/2023 05:02

I'm sorry, OP.
Sometimes I stroke my own hair and pretend it is my mother's hand. I remember the feeling of her doing that. No one ever loves us again like our mums loved us, if we were luck enough to have a loving mother. Mine was loving (though terribly messed up and difficult too).

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 02/12/2023 05:27

I miss my mum immeasurably. We were going to visit her on Christmas but she slipped into a coma on Christmas Eve. That was in 2017 and she had a long life but I would give anything to talk to her again. Just typing this made me cry.

SoftKittyBazinga · 02/12/2023 05:42

Yes. It will be 11 years in February since my dad died, and as my kids grow (one is 12, one is 9) I miss him more and more. So much is going on and I’d love his advice, his love, his time. If anything it’s been harder this year than in the last 5 or 6.

you're definitely not alone. Sending love.

Ffsnotaconference · 02/12/2023 05:46

Oddly I was just thinking this when I opened MN. It’s the second anniversary of losing mum, today.

I try so hard to get into the Christmas spirit. It’s just not the same. And it started as soon as the nights got dark. I can’t imagine it ever feeling different.

i am so sorry for your loss

MelsMoneyTree · 02/12/2023 05:52

It's my DM's two year anniversary this month and it is very tough but tbh there isn't a week goes past where I'm not sad that she's gone; where I'll think 'oh I need to tell mum that' then realise I can't. It's over a decade since I lost my dad and that has eased slightly. But like a PP mum being ill during Covid lockdowns made it so much harder. The lockdowns were necessary but I feel cheated out of that time with her and cheated out of the support from family and friends that would have been there otherwise.

Dontcallmescarface · 02/12/2023 05:59

I lost both parents in 2020. They absolutely loved Christmas and even had Advent calendars. It was also their wedding anniversary last week. This is the time of year I miss them the most

LadyGwendoline · 02/12/2023 07:51

It’s been twenty years for both my parents, and I’m so lonely inside at times. Nowadays, I’m the matriarch - still feels like I’m acting!

I find it hard to not feel jealous at times of the many people my age who still have one parent, or even both, they have no idea - and I’m glad in one way that they haven’t experienced the pain but also, yes, jealous. So many take their parents for granted. I heard a Mum at the school gate yesterday complaining as her Mum had nipped over to surprise her and the kids after school and I had to bite my lip.

You’re not alone OP, you’re in my thoughts.

Original poster

Murphs1 · 02/12/2023 08:15

Thank you all of you lovely people
for sharing your experiences. Losing a parent and god forbid a child is hard and obviously continues to be for a lot of us. I wonder if the more the time goes on, the more you miss them because it’s longer since youv’e seen them? I think my children are growing, I’m also nearly 50, life has moved on without my mum in it, and it still feels wrong and strange and quite raw. Thanks for making me feel alot less alone in this. I hope you all manage to have a lovely Christmas.

OP posts:

Fizbosshoes · 02/12/2023 09:15

My mum died when my DC were 1 and 4. My first DC was conceived when she was going through really aggressive cancer treatment and was the apple of her eye. I imagine she bored the entire town where she lived with photos and stories! 😂
I feel aggrieved she didn't really get to know DS and see either of them grow up. I have of course got used to being without her, but it gutted me that neither she nor MIL got to see DD look beautiful in her prom dress or see how well they're doing at school.

Flooble · 02/12/2023 09:44

I lost my mum 8 years ago next week. I lost my sister 20 years ago when I was 18. Over the years I’ve also lost friends, work colleagues, grandparents, my cousin, uncle, and most recently my beloved dog (last week).

Grief is unfortunately very familiar to me. I’ve found it does get easier in time (although I know a lot of people disagree). My friend disagrees and says it never gets any easier, but your life grows around it so it doesn’t feel as big.

What I know is that there will always be something that sends you back to it however many years have passed and it can still feel just as painful. I think that’s normal for almost everyone. Christmas is especially difficult I think because it’s such a huge reminder of what you’ve lost (we had her funeral on 23 December which didn’t help!)

Just wanted to say you aren’t alone. It’s the worst feeling in the world but you’ll continue to survive and grow, however tough it feels at times

newidentiy · 02/12/2023 10:09

I lost my mum dec 2020. She was my rock and I miss her so much . I have fab grandchildren one of whom she never met. She would of adored him and I know we were her world. My heart breaks every day, I miss talking to her so much

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