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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how hugging friends works and why I don't get hugs

77 replies

touchscreen · 01/12/2023 21:43

How do you choose who to hug?

I'm not a massive hugger, and I don't really understand the protocol.

If you are a hugger, and you meet a group of friends and hug some but not others what are you communicating? Is it like a ranking, you hug the friends you value most?

If I'm with a group of friends I'll often find them greeting each other with hugs but not me. I'm not sure if this is because they actually don't like me, or if they can tell I find the whole thing awkward.

It's not like just one group in which this happens. People from different groups seem to be able to identify me as a non-hugger but I don't know what it is about me that makes this so clear.

I'm don't think I'm particularly smelly, or look like i have infectious diseases. I probably don't radiate confidence but not aware of being especially needy seeming. Any guesses what's going on here?

OP posts:
WeightoftheWorld · 02/12/2023 08:41

Yes same as everyone else, I like a hug but I won't try and hug someone if I'm at all concerned they might not like one. Sometimes I will ask if unsure, mostly if I'm hugging everyone else type situation and I don't want the person/people I'm unsure about to think I just don't want to hug them! But I don't think that's a perfect solution either as then I worry they might agree just because of a perceived pressure! And also personally if I think of the other side, I'd rather not be hugged by someone I wouldn't mind being hugged by, than be hugged/touched by someone I don't want to hug/touch me! So I'm never offended or bothered if someone doesn't hug me. Although if there hugging everyone else I will just maybe initiate or ask them if I feel it's because they themselves are concerned I don't want one.

So lots of politics in it haha.

Rocknrollstar · 02/12/2023 08:47

I’m a hugger but my closest friend and I have never hugged except when very emotional eg weddings of children, bereavement. DH does not hug or ‘kiss’ anyone and everyone we know understands this. DS hated kissing people when he was little and we taught him to shake hands instead.

Maddy70 · 02/12/2023 08:57

I'm a hugger , I also live in a country where hugging and kissing is a normal greeting so its usually to kiss and hug everyone we meet

EveryKneeShallBow · 02/12/2023 08:59

Ibizabar · 01/12/2023 21:50

My stiffness when hugged might be a giveaway.

Yes, this. I don’t want hugs, and when people try it ends in a really awkward moment like when you meet a stranger and both go to step the same way to let the other pass.

sunshineonroses · 02/12/2023 09:02

I'm not a hugger either. I'm also never the first person anyone speaks to when they arrive somewhere such as a party or gathering. Im always the one hanging around on the periphery waiting to be acknowledged while they easily greet and hug everyone else.
A friend once told me she couldn't hug me because it felt too weird and everyone agreed with her.
I think some of it is how you are brought up. My family were never cuddlers so I suppose it doesn't come naturally to me.

JaninaDuszejko · 02/12/2023 10:22

I agree upbringing and culture has an impact. My Mum and I talked about how on the island I grew up on people didn't hug, she thinks it's partly because you see people so much there's no need. Her generation of the family are definitely more cuddly than they were when I was growing up. I initiate hugs with family, still wouldn't really hug friends from there though. I've lived in different places since and some sets of friends hug and some don't but generally I'd say the further north in the UK you go the less likely you are to hug random people, in the south it's more multicultural and I think hugging and kissing is a more dominant behaviour so if there's one hugger or kisser in a group everyone ends up doing it. DH's family are from a double kissing culture and my family found it quite strange how they would kiss you at first meeting because in our island culture you might kiss your old great aunt once on the cheek but nobody else.

TheNoodlesIncident · 02/12/2023 10:47

TokyoSushi · 01/12/2023 21:54

I'm a hugger. you definitely get a vibe from people as to whether they want to be hugged or not. You kinda get to know who to hug and who not to! Fine by me either way.

I hate to be the one to bring it up but this is such a typical neurotypical response: you just know; you can read people's body language; they give off a hugging vibe...

If you don't have this ability it can seem almost mysterious how some people can home in on the ones who will reciprocate with warmth and avoid grabbing those who won't.

I think if you want to be hugged - I love being hugged, it's not just the implied affection, it's the sensory aspect of being held tightly (like a weighted blanket) - then you have initiate hugs yourself. Look for those who do and when you greet them, open your arms a bit and lean in.

I found with people who didn't really want a hug, there would be a half second of hesitation before they hugged, so I knew not to initiate hugs with them after that. My ds doesn't like being hugged and people realise this and tend to just shake his hand instead. It's nice that nobody forces it and are considerate of his feelings.

TokyoSushi · 02/12/2023 11:02

Thanks @TheNoodlesIncident it's really interesting to see in from another point of view

Birdcar · 02/12/2023 11:06

Often both friends will lean in for a hug, not just one of them. You don't, so they don't.

There's no need to over think it. They don't think any less of you. They're doing what you like, which is thoughtful of them.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 02/12/2023 11:08

Dunno. Nothing at all to do with ranking though. I think if people don't hug me back I get the hint and try not to repeat it.

FrenchandSaunders · 02/12/2023 11:11

It’s a minefield OP …. that was one positive thing during covid, no hugs at all and everyone knew where they were.

ActDottie · 02/12/2023 11:20

I hug some friends but not all. And I genuinely can’t tell you why… with some it’s just natural when we say hi and with others we just don’t greet that way and never have.

User43219 · 02/12/2023 11:28

It depends a) on the person and b) circumstances

Some friends I hug whenever I see them, some friends who I see more regularly say at work only get hugs if we've gone somewhere for a few days and you hug when saying goodbye or like my friend gave me a lift home from a party so I hugged him.

Some people are more tactile than others, I met a guy when I was dating (we never ended up dating) and we always greeted each other with a hug and a kiss on the cheek even though we saw each other every week or so.

Mamette · 02/12/2023 11:36

There is often a pre-hug “face” that people make to each other right before the hug. It’s mirroring probably. It means, “I’m going to hug you” and then the other person mirrors the expression and the hug happens. It’s an open face with eye contact.

Not so much when you are in an established hugging relationship, when you can just bombard someone with a hug when they’re not already looking at you or vice versa. Within reason of course.

SilverBranchGoldenPears · 02/12/2023 11:42

You are giving off don’t hug me vibes.

which is ok if that’s correct but if not you must ask yourself why and how you are doing it.

i have friends I hug and friends I don’t as I can tell they don’t want them. There’s really something awful and disconcerting about hugging a person who is rigid and doesn’t want to touch you. What frustrates me are those friends who are like that but go in for a hug even though they are as huggable as a plank with nails in it. So you hug them and feel shit afterwards. Just don’t hug me plank people!

TorroFerney · 02/12/2023 11:43

Just as it’s horrid to be hugged when you don’t want to be it’s an awful feeling hugging someone who doesn’t reciprocate So I tread very warily. I’d say I hug people I don’t see very much and don’t hug those I see more. I’m not very tactile though. I remember hugging my dad and he just did t move his arms from his sides, it’s a bit of a kick in the teeth!

sunglassesonthetable · 02/12/2023 23:30

I'm a hugger.

People hug me and I hug them. It's vibes I think.

Sparthan · 02/12/2023 23:49

I’d love to be hugged but I never am. No idea why? Then someone else joins the group after me and is soon being welcomed with open arms, literally. I just assumed I’m not a likeable person and nobody wants to be my friend. I’m autistic so there’s probably something wrong with me that I don’t realise.

Fummymummy · 03/12/2023 00:14

This is so interesting. I hug some people and not others but I'm having to think really hard as to why! I'm definitely a hugger myself, but some friends I never hug because I know they don't like it. If I'm in my close friendship group, I will hug all of them except the non hugger friend and nobody takes offence / it's not weird as we all know she doesn't like them. Unless she is drunk and occasionally she will initiate a hug herself but it would never be forced upon her!
For most people that aren't close friends you just sort of take cues from their body language, the situation, and how well you know them.
Example I tend to hug most colleagues if upset (I work in the NHS) or for example at the end of a work night out, or if I won't be seeing them for ages.
Wouldn't otherwise hug anyone I wasn't particularly close to.
Also just in the group situation, sometimes if I'm hugging goodbyes and there are people you don't know as well as others, it CAN sometimes be weird to hug some people and not others and sometimes I will hug everyone even if it's slightly awkward for those I know less well, because I've already started hugging others and it's weird to then not hug everyone.

Draconis · 03/12/2023 00:24

I hate hugs and people often don't attempt to hug me. I never go to hug people so I guess they pick up on it. Thank goodness!

VeryGoodVeryNice · 03/12/2023 00:27

I rarely get unsolicited hugs, I think people pick up on my fuck off vibes.

Dogcatmousecat · 03/12/2023 00:32

My two best friends and my daughter are not very huggy ,I just accept it ! My two sons give me a brilliant hug .

VioletSkies12 · 03/12/2023 10:30

Don’t most people just do a step towards someone, raise their arms and sort of hover quickly over the other person ? I couldn’t get worked up about that.
Aside from family I don’t think I have ever been given a proper hug by anyone in years. Most people don’t hug properly.

cheezncrackers · 03/12/2023 10:38

I'm choosy about who I hug, but I was raised in a very British and rather emotionally distant family. I'm not a hugger of friends really and I absolutely hate random people I've only just met coming in for a hug - WTF?? At this time of year too, with everyone having coughs and colds and other random viruses I'd rather keep my distance!

zingally · 03/12/2023 11:36

I literally only have hugs with one friend. She's a good decade older than me, and just initiated it, so I went along with it!

I'm not huggy with any other friends. With my best friend of 30 years, I can literally remember us hugging ONCE. And that was the first time I saw her after my dad died. Yet I get hugs off her husband! And he finds it weird that we don't hug!