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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask how hugging friends works and why I don't get hugs

77 replies

touchscreen · 01/12/2023 21:43

How do you choose who to hug?

I'm not a massive hugger, and I don't really understand the protocol.

If you are a hugger, and you meet a group of friends and hug some but not others what are you communicating? Is it like a ranking, you hug the friends you value most?

If I'm with a group of friends I'll often find them greeting each other with hugs but not me. I'm not sure if this is because they actually don't like me, or if they can tell I find the whole thing awkward.

It's not like just one group in which this happens. People from different groups seem to be able to identify me as a non-hugger but I don't know what it is about me that makes this so clear.

I'm don't think I'm particularly smelly, or look like i have infectious diseases. I probably don't radiate confidence but not aware of being especially needy seeming. Any guesses what's going on here?

OP posts:

Original poster

touchscreen · 01/12/2023 22:21

@Butchyrestingface no i'm not very bothered - definitely not about the hugs but not understanding friends is a bit annoying

OP posts:

saraclara · 01/12/2023 22:28

I only hug people if they're distressed. Outside my own husband and kids I don't think I have never initiated a hug. In social situations where hugs seem to be on the agenda I tend to avoid eye contact. I've learned to be available for hugs with huggy close friends, but most people give me a subtle swerve because my body language clearly shows that I'm not a natural hugger..

Original poster

touchscreen · 01/12/2023 22:37

interesting it seems that no-one is taking it personally if people look reluctant to hug

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 01/12/2023 22:39

NewNameNigel · 01/12/2023 21:46

I'm a hugger but I'm very conscious that a lot of people don't like it so if I'm not sure I don't hug unless they initiate. It's nothing to do with ranking of friends it's to do with me not wanting to make someone feel uncomfortable.

This. 100%. I’m a hugger but I don’t want to impose that on those I feel might be reluctant

truetruebarneymcgrew · 01/12/2023 22:40

I don't do hugs, I do a slightly awkward pat on the shoulder as my 'hug' with friends. Interestingly they all pat my shoulder back, but will hug each other! They know I'm just not a hugger (well possibly a tree hugger, and dog hugger but not a human hugger, even dh knows I shoulder pat to show affection!

Halllooo · 01/12/2023 22:40

I hug all friends pretty much. And anyone who looks like they might need/ want a hug.
So people tend to hug me/touch/ kiss in return.
Once people see you as some one who will give a hug they will often be the first to reach out.

wineoclock90 · 01/12/2023 22:41

I hug all my friends

Halllooo · 01/12/2023 22:43

But not offended by those who seem reluctant or do t want to. You do you.

Bostonbakedbeans · 01/12/2023 22:45

Hugging etiquette is a total mystery to me too. I don't really hug anyone except DH, DC or my siblings. Definitely not my own PILs. I must give off a "do not hug" vibe. However I do like to keep friends on their toes with a random greeting hug occasionally 😉

Ibizabar · 01/12/2023 22:46

I think huggers don't really get why some people don't like it,. It's not that I don't like you, it's just I'd rather you didn't hug me.

RudolfsLeftToe · 01/12/2023 22:46

I’m a big hugger but I don’t hug my BF who I see most days unless we’re out with other people (who’ll I’ll have hugged to say hello) and it’s time to say bye, then I’ll hug everyone including her!

MissCamden · 01/12/2023 22:47

I'm a hugger and I love this question.

There's no ranking as such but I normally only initiate a hug if I know they're a hugger/ we've hugged before. If there's a group hugging to say hi/ bye I'll hug the ones that have joined the throng and directly smile at me. People who stay backed off a bit / look away /are busy chatting to someone else get left alone of course because I think they don't want a hug and I'd always err on the side of caution with this.

This is the protocol how I see it: hugging either happens when people meet in the beginning or say bye. If that greeting / good bye gets a bit louder from both sides and more emotional then huggers often kind of lean in. Those are the cues IMO.

So basically: take the conversation temperature, join the group, lift your arms slightly, make eye contact, smile, lean in.

If I got it wrong and kind of initiated a hug but in the last moment realise they don't want a hug I just put my hand on their arm very briefly smile and say hi or bye.

LauderSyme · 01/12/2023 22:49

I am fairly sure that your friends are accurately reading your body language and correctly concluding you don't want to hug!

Wherearemykeysagain · 01/12/2023 22:52

I’m a hugger. But there are friends I don’t hug because their body language is that they wouldn’t appreciate it. Occasionally I’ve got it wrong and hugged someone who then went completely stiff out of awkwardness. I felt terrible. Generally people try to hug people who want to be hugged!

If you do actually want to hug friends then initiate with someone who is someone who often hugs others. If not, sounds like your friends are just respecting your non verbal boundaries. All good!

MamaMissions · 01/12/2023 22:53

I didn't used to be a hugger as it wasn't how was raised, and i would stiffly keep my arms by my side if anyone initiated one....and then I had my own kids and something changed....they initiated and requested hugs and I found it was something that made them feel loved. Years later I enjoy hugs with my children and sometimes I feel okay with reciprocating with 'huggers' but I don't tend to initiate them

Clarich007 · 01/12/2023 22:53

Good question, My Mum was a big hugger, so I grew up hugging most people.
COVID definitely changed all that, and I don't any more.
I have got so used to it now that it seems strange to be hugged.

Ibizabar · 01/12/2023 22:57

There's a big difference between hugging your children and hugging friends.

CrunchyCarrot · 01/12/2023 22:58

I think your body language will subtly be communicating you don't like being hugged, OP.

OuiOuiMonAmiJeMappelleLafayette · 01/12/2023 23:01

I like hugs but hate the cheek/air kiss thing that most people want to do. So I avoid hugs!

Wolfpa · 01/12/2023 23:07

I need some of your skills, I hate being hugged and people still insist on going in for one. They then get offended when I ask them not to.

huggers are a sensitive bunch

Cantrushart · 01/12/2023 23:23

You could become a hug initiator. Make it your thing. Be sure to signal your approach to give people a chance to prepare. Chest out, chin up and face slightly averted. Throw your arms wide then accelerate towards them using tiny fake-run steps. Some kind of mmmm noise is optional at this point. Then big squeeze, no sniffing, and gently push them aside ready for your next grateful huggee. You're welcome.

StarlightLady · 01/12/2023 23:30

I love hugs and kisses. I think l was born bery tactile as a person.

OP if you want a hug you know what to do.

Mariposista · 01/12/2023 23:58

Bit anecdotal. My family don't do hugs. Or emotion. I am only just realising to what extent and how wrong this is. Don't get me wrong, there is love, plenty of it but very little affection. It's all just so awkward.
I am different. I am secretly craving a hug, craving a bit of tenderness. Especially at the moment.
I lost my beloved gran in April. We still put off showing emotions (apart from frustration and anger), even though everything was so raw. I felt so so so numb. A month or so after her funeral I went for a walk with the lovely lady vicar who took the service (who used to be a student of my gran and loved her too). Somehow she managed to break through the barrier, of all the self doubt and unworthiness that I was feeling since she had died. I remember her gently putting her hand on mine, and me leaning into her and she hugged me and I just sobbed on her for about half an hour, begging her not to let go. I don't ever remember being held like that. I must have been totally 'touch starved'. She is still my power bank of hugs a few months later. I think everyone needs one every now and again, no matter how strong we think we are.

StarlightLady · 02/12/2023 08:34

@Mariposista - I don’t think everyone needs one just now and then. I love being held often, very often. I missed hugs so much during Covid.

But, l was brought up in France (British parents though) and l think the French are much more tactile as a nation.

Devilsmommy · 02/12/2023 08:39

spilltheteapot · 01/12/2023 21:45

Have you ever initiated a hug? If not then they will assume you don’t want one.

Spot on

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