Not trying for a baby vs not trying to prevent it!

[MulledWhiney]

I feel like I have misunderstood “unplanned pregnancies” my entire life and would love to hear other people’s opinions!

A good friend of mine is pregnant with baby number 2. I’m very happy for her, but this means her due date is the EXACT date we have (very hard fought for and very expensive) Taylor Swift Eras tickets for, so it’s very unlikely she will be able to go. We had spoken before about not getting pregnant at a bad time for the concert, and so when I asked how it happened, she said it wasn’t planned. When I asked further about what happened (we are close enough to talk details), it transpires that although they weren’t actively trying to get pregnant (tracking ovulation etc), they also weren’t actively trying to prevent pregnancy.

In my head, not using ANY form of prevention still trying to get pregnant. “Unplanned” to me always meant you were using birth control but for whatever reason it didn’t work. Now I’m looking back on my entire life and wondering if I’ve got it all mistaken 😂. I read a lot of teenage magazines in the early 2000’s with very strong messages on contraception and I don’t think I’ve been able to let that go!

Am I the odd one out here?? What does everyone else think? What would you define as “unplanned” ?

(I am meaning this to be light-hearted, there are no hard feelings about the friend’s pregnancy, I am still going to the concert 😂 I’m just really curious about how other people define planned and not planned)

To me planning would involve no contraception, checking ovulation, testing after tww and making healthier lifestyle choice, and obviously dtd.

Not trying would involve contraception- or using natural way of avoiding sex during fertile week? Idk.

I think you've over thought it. She's pregnant, it's a happy thing right?

Planning would be having sec certain days. Temp checks and mucus etc

unplanned would for me being getting pregnant whilst not doing any of those things. Not actively TTC img

I find that way of thinking quite weird. How can actively deciding not to use contraception be anything other than trying to get pregnant?

I'm with you. No contraception ≠ unplanned pregnancy!! Everyone knows how babies come about right?!

My first was unplanned as in I was using contraception and it failed. Subsequent pregnancies planned as I stopped using contraception. No tracking or ovulation sticks or anything like that but the decision not to prevent a pregnancy means you're kind of planning and expecting one. 🤷

My daughter was neither planned nor prevented. When we got married (we'd already been together 9 years) we decided to stop using contraception. We were both ambivalent about having children so weren't tracking anything. I had a miscarriage without knowing I was pregnant after 4 years, then fell pregnant a few months later. Again we weren't actively trying. Not planned but not prevented isn't planned. We were very much of the if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't doesn't it doesn't. And would have been okay with it not happening

If you’re having sex without contraception, there is always a chance, even if you’re not tracking ovulation etc. you can’t be surprised if you get pregnant, especially if you have got pregnant before. I’d assume unplanned is a contraceptive failure

If you have unprotected sex you are trying to get pregnant. Even if your head says otherwise, that doesn't overcome basic biology.

It's like eating 10 McDonalds meals every day and saying 'but I wasn't planning to get fat'.

All the ovulation tracking etc that's a fad now is only actually relevant to people with fertility issues. Most people just get pregnant, usually fairly quickly, so it's obtuse to have unprotected sex and not expect it to result in a baby. (Unless you've been diagnosed with lower fertility).

Trying and not preventing are the same thing. There’s no mental element to conception it’s purely biological. If you’re having unprotected sex, you’re trying, as far as I’m concerned.

This was not an unplanned pregnancy.

No one can plan exactly when they get pregnant. Unless there are extenuating circumstances, you're either preventing it or assuming it will happen at some random point.

My first was unplanned we have unprotected sex on day 5 of my cycle.

I am just adoring the fact she was supposed to be planning her pregnancy around a TS concert..

I always find the not actively trying just not using contraception thing, because surely you want a baby or you don’t? (Unless you’ve been trying without success and you can’t stand it any longer obvs), but I suppose I’d take unplanned to mean anything not active.

Unplanned to me is when you have tried to prevent pregnancy and hasn't worked - some form contaception

Anything else is trying for a baby as your not preventing yourself from getting pregnant. I never tracked or used ovulation tests ect but we still had regular sex to shock horror get preganant

If you're having unprotected sex then you are essentially trying to get pregnant. It's certainly not an unplanned pregnancy. For it to be unplanned it would be a contraception failure. Or maybe a drunken night where caution was thrown to the wind

Yeh I agree. I have two friends pregnant using the withdrawal method - this isn’t contraception

Nah, having sex and not using contraception is planning to get pregnant. Although there seems to be plenty of people out there who don’t understand how it all happens.

I agree. These days you are surely aiming to get pregnant if you use no contraception.

At least you know now. She could have delayed a month or two and then given birth prematurely, wrecking your plans at short notice. You can't plan around everything.

I'm with you OP - if you're not preventing then you can't call it unplanned. Crazy to see that people don't think that way though, even PP on this thread.

And me. Everyone knows what happens if a fertile man and a fertile woman have sex without contraception. Bat shit people think otherwise, it’s 2023. Even if you didn’t have sex ed at school you should know this.

I think a lot of people have heard about people who have unsuccessfully tried for years to get pregnant, and so stop contraception, almost in anticipation formally trying to conceive.

As someone who hasn't struggled to conceive I warn my DC that any lack of contraception is actively trying to get pregnant. But I have (highly educated) friends who went off on their honeymoon while pregnant because they dropped contraception during wedding planning so they could get pregnant soon after marriage 🤷🏼‍♀️

So when people talk about unplanned they sometimes mean we stopped using contraception but because I didn't take my temperature etc we weren't actually trying for a baby, oh what a surprise it was to find out I was pregnant with this unplanned baby??? My mind is blown!

I think planning is tracking the days/ovulation to maximise chances of getting pregnant. That’s what I did with my first. I wanted to get pregnant as fast as possible so did everything I could to make it happen. (Still took a year) Number 3 I would put in the ‘not trying to prevent’ category as we knew we wanted a 3rd but weren’t fussed when it happened so there was no checking ovulation and days ect.

I think there's room for more nuance here. Plenty of people have unprotected sex without 'planning" to get pregnant. They are not having sex with the intention of getting pregnant. They are risking it rather than aiming for it. 'Planning" is having sex with the intention of getting pregnant. It's about intention for me not the physical act or contraception. However in your friend's case clearly they were open to the idea of having the child so I'd say that there is an element of planning there, that if it happened ultimately it would be ok/part of the life plan/a wanted event versus those for whom it was not a wanted event or part of their life plan

I'm with you OP. If you're not using contraception then expect to get pregnant. Things like mucus checking, ovulation tests, they're just for extra keen peeps - and considering I'm pregnant with a baby conceived while I had "negative" ovulation, turns out not reliable either.

It's a bit difficult to decide when to get pregnant though, can take a long time so please just congratulate your friend and don't mind about some concert. X

This. Your body doesn’t behave any differently when sperm meets egg. It’s actually fairly depressing that some people who presumably had basic sex education appear to think you need to be mounting some kind of plan of campaign.

Yeah I’m with you OP. In my eyes if you’re not on any contraception and having sex then you’re trying to/asking to get pregnant IMO.