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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not trying for a baby vs not trying to prevent it!

94 replies

MulledWhiney · 01/12/2023 19:34

I feel like I have misunderstood “unplanned pregnancies” my entire life and would love to hear other people’s opinions!

A good friend of mine is pregnant with baby number 2. I’m very happy for her, but this means her due date is the EXACT date we have (very hard fought for and very expensive) Taylor Swift Eras tickets for, so it’s very unlikely she will be able to go. We had spoken before about not getting pregnant at a bad time for the concert, and so when I asked how it happened, she said it wasn’t planned. When I asked further about what happened (we are close enough to talk details), it transpires that although they weren’t actively trying to get pregnant (tracking ovulation etc), they also weren’t actively trying to prevent pregnancy.

In my head, not using ANY form of prevention still trying to get pregnant. “Unplanned” to me always meant you were using birth control but for whatever reason it didn’t work. Now I’m looking back on my entire life and wondering if I’ve got it all mistaken 😂. I read a lot of teenage magazines in the early 2000’s with very strong messages on contraception and I don’t think I’ve been able to let that go!

Am I the odd one out here?? What does everyone else think? What would you define as “unplanned” ?

(I am meaning this to be light-hearted, there are no hard feelings about the friend’s pregnancy, I am still going to the concert 😂 I’m just really curious about how other people define planned and not planned)

OP posts:
Wren43 · 02/12/2023 00:11

Onethingafteranother12 · 01/12/2023 23:37

100% ageee with you OP! If you arnt actively preventing you are planning!

Also the whole if it happens, it happens thing baffles me!! Its a life changing and life long decision regardless of whichever way you go with it if you do get pregnant , and people say it like they are speculating whether to order a takeaway tonight 😂😂

Edited

Sometimes you’re just in the situation that there are equal pros and cons to having a baby and not having a baby and you don’t want to go through a lot of deep delving to come to a decision and then find it doesn’t happen anyway

iamtheiliad · 02/12/2023 00:20

I guess there’s a bit of a middle ground at times as some people don’t use any contraception but use the rhythm method which would suggest any pregnancy was unplanned in that instance. And I’m sure you get people who get carried away in the moment (especially if drunk) who don’t use contraception but aren’t planning a pregnancy either. I assume she just means in her mind that she wasn’t actively trying to get pregnant so she doesn’t feel that she planned it? It doesn’t sound entirely unplanned to my mind though.

However, if you need a new friend to come with you to the concert then hi!

fridaynight1 · 02/12/2023 00:38

I wouldn't say using no protection is planning.

Planning to me is actively tracking ovulation, having lots of unprotected sex in your most fertile window and constantly doing pregnancy tests.

Ace56 · 02/12/2023 00:44

I agree OP, if you’re not using any contraception then it’s not an ‘unplanned’ pregnancy. It also annoys me when this is referred to as a ‘surprise’ - how is it a surprise that you’re pregnant when you’re having unprotected sex?! Unless you’ve specifically been told you’re infertile or something.

If you don’t want a baby, you use contraception. If you do want a baby then you don’t. It’s that simple!

ExTheCheater · 02/12/2023 00:46

Your friend is kidding herself.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 02/12/2023 04:23

You'd be pretty stupid if you were surprised you got pregnant and weren't using contraception (unless there was diagnosed infertility). I think your friend is taking you for a bit of a fool. Just sell her ticket, her loss.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 02/12/2023 06:58

There’s a big difference between unplanned, as in leaving it up to Nature, I.e. not doing anything except having sex, and unwanted, as in, ‘Oh, shit,’ due to bad luck or sheer carelessness.

My DD’s 2nd was a ‘leave it up to Nature’ - they’d never thought it’d happen so quickly and easily, first was only 6m, she was over 12 weeks before she twigged.

LolaSmiles · 02/12/2023 07:04

I find the idea that TTC only counts as TTC if you're tracking everything in sight and scheduling sex to be ridiculous.

If you're not using contraception then you're open to getting pregnant. It's hardly unplanned if you decide to stop using contraception and continue to have unprotected sex. You've literally planned to have sex without preventing pregnancy.

Desecratedcoconut · 02/12/2023 07:05

It seems like a bit of a ridiculous pact to avoid a pregnancy to accommodate a concert. Are you sure she was as on board with this plan as you imagined her to be?

FindingMeno · 02/12/2023 07:14

I think planned pregnancy is when you are off contraception expecting or hoping for a baby to be a result.
Some women have a really tough time finding contraception to suit with a good level of protection. Some women think they aren't fertile so come off contraception.
There is a difference too in knowing a baby could be the result, and desperately hoping a baby will be the result.
Unplanned, but not unwanted, is a thing.

KimberleyClark · 02/12/2023 07:24

A friend of mine came off the pill in the belief that it would take her body several months to get back to normal so she wouldn’t get pregnant for a while. She conceived the very first month off the pill.

autienotnaughty · 02/12/2023 07:25

Planning - no contraception
Not planning- contraception

The tracking etc I thought was for people who struggle to conceive naturally and maybe people who want to speed the process up.

Simplelobsterhat · 02/12/2023 07:37

Kissmystarfish · 01/12/2023 19:40

Planning would be having sec certain days. Temp checks and mucus etc

unplanned would for me being getting pregnant whilst not doing any of those things. Not actively TTC img

I consider both of my children planned, but I never did any of that! We decided we wanted kids soon so stopped taking contraception. I did start taking folic acid but we never did ovulation testing, tracking etc. and waited until first day of missed period to test. I realise I am Very lucky to have got pregnant within a few months twice by that method, and I'm sure we might have started other things if it hadn't happened after a year, but I genuinely thought that's what most people did unless they were struggling with fertility or literally only having sex with someone to get pregnant when they wouldn't be otherwise. I struggle with low sex drive enough without adding that amount of pressure in and we weren't in a desperate rush.

So I would say if a couple have made a conscious decision to stop using contraception because they want kids then it is planned (but obviously the date of the pregnancy isn't planned, which is maybe what OPs friend meant?)

But if no contraception was used because they got carried away, drunken mistake etc, or mistakenly thinking they were infertile, rather than an active decision, then I would include that in unplanned. I wouldn't necessarily take the view that there has to be a contraception failure to count as unplanned.

Wren43 · 02/12/2023 07:47

KimberleyClark · 02/12/2023 07:24

A friend of mine came off the pill in the belief that it would take her body several months to get back to normal so she wouldn’t get pregnant for a while. She conceived the very first month off the pill.

Yes and then those who think having a baby will be so easy are always surprised when nothing happens after 3-4 months

LolaSmiles · 02/12/2023 07:59

So I would say if a couple have made a conscious decision to stop using contraception because they want kids then it is planned (but obviously the date of the pregnancy isn't planned, which is maybe what OPs friend meant?)

But if no contraception was used because they got carried away, drunken mistake etc, or mistakenly thinking they were infertile, rather than an active decision, then I would include that in unplanned. I wouldn't necessarily take the view that there has to be a contraception failure to count as unplanned
I'd agree with this, with the exception of getting carried away (because that to me comes under the same category of people not taking their pill correctly/reliably and then being suspended that a pregnancy happens).

From being on here I have started to wonder how many "unplanned" and "surprise" pregnancies are actually that surprising. There's a % failure on contraception so some people who are using contraception correctly will find out they're pregnant, but I suspect a lot are people chancing their arm, thinking the withdrawal method counts until it doesn't, leaving it up to chance, not taking their pill reliably or correctly and then because they weren't tracking their temps and using OPK they find that there's a "surprise" pregnancy.

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/12/2023 08:08

If not using contraception you are thinking or wanting or planning a baby. End of

CurlewKate · 02/12/2023 08:22

Planning a baby = stopping using contraception. It's as simple as that.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 02/12/2023 08:27

I consider my first as sort of unplanned. We actively tried for about 7 years to get pregnant so gave up and wrote it off as something my body just wouldn't do. Didn't use contraception because although we had closed that chapter, there was no point in preventing it. When I randomly then fell pregnant, it was bloody amazing but not expected in the slightest!

ZoeCM · 03/12/2023 19:09

If you have heterosexual sex without contraception, you are trying for a baby. Even if it's a one-night stand. I believe the link between sex and pregnancy was definitively proven quite some time ago 😄

I'm genuinely surprised by the number of people on this thread who think you're not trying for a baby unless you're using ovulation kits! I guarantee almost everyone on this site was conceived without their parents going anywhere near an ovulation kit.

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