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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Annoyed a daughters friends mum

29 replies

DonAli · 01/12/2023 16:37

My daughter plays with different friends as kids do. She’s 10. She has friends from school she plays with and a neighbour who goes to a different school who’s 11 almost 12. My dd arranges with her friends from school to go to their house to play. Her other friend,the neighbour, wants to go too but the mum doesn’t like loads of kids in her house and they kind of all don’t get on anyway but the neighbour always wants to go. She goes home crying (according to her mum) that’s she’s not allowed to go and her mum messages me telling me to tell my daughter to play with her too and it’s not fair she can’t go. AIBU about this as it’s not my house and if they don’t want to play with her I would never force them to? My daughter plays with this girl all the time more than her friends from school so it’s not like they never see each other. AIBU to be getting really annoyed with the girls mum? I don’t text her if her daughter is out with friends from school demanding my daughter go too. They’re old enough to sort these things themselves imo and my daughters friends from school don’t really know her and don’t want her playing in their house 🤷‍♀️ but then I always have the other mum texting every time saying her daughter should be able to go too.

OP posts:
Headband · 01/12/2023 16:40

Just text her back and say it's not your house and so it's out of your control.

Firapple · 01/12/2023 16:41

'Not my house, not in my power to issue invitations. Stop bothering me.'

LittleMrsPretty · 01/12/2023 16:43

Agree not your house

But if 3 girls are playing and 2 want to go to a certain house that will exclude the third girl that also isn’t kind. Cant all three of them go to where there are allowed?

BrimfulOfMash · 01/12/2023 16:52

“Hi, sorry xx seems to be getting upset about this but invitations come from my DD’s school friends. Neither she nor I have the right to make invitations, and I support Dd in respecting this. My Dd and xx have a lovely time when they play together at your house or mine, and I hope this issue won’t cause problems! We all have different groups of friends”

BrimfulOfMash · 01/12/2023 16:56

And if she mentions it again say “I have nothing new to say about this “… and if she does it again don’t reply at all.

Firapple · 01/12/2023 17:01

LittleMrsPretty · 01/12/2023 16:43

Agree not your house

But if 3 girls are playing and 2 want to go to a certain house that will exclude the third girl that also isn’t kind. Cant all three of them go to where there are allowed?

That's ridiculous, though. Why would three school friends curtail their friendship for the sake of a neighbour of one of them, who 'doesn't get on' with the group as a whole, but has a separate friendship with one of them, whom she sees a lot separately?

avocadotofu · 01/12/2023 17:02

Honestly how is this your problem? People are so odd!!

WillowTit · 01/12/2023 17:04

it is her mum's fault
she is very controlling by the sound of it

Bookworm1111 · 01/12/2023 17:10

LittleMrsPretty · 01/12/2023 16:43

Agree not your house

But if 3 girls are playing and 2 want to go to a certain house that will exclude the third girl that also isn’t kind. Cant all three of them go to where there are allowed?

But these are the school friends of OP's DD. The other child is her neighbour. It's not exclusionary to want to spend time with different friends separately.

LadeOde · 01/12/2023 17:10

apart from this being absolutely bonkers, neighbours dc is not even the same age as them. Nearly 2 yrs older! why does she want to hang out with a bunch of 10yr olds she doesn't know?

Couldyounot · 01/12/2023 17:15

Not seeing where this is your problem to solve, tbh

ManateeFair · 01/12/2023 17:17

LittleMrsPretty · 01/12/2023 16:43

Agree not your house

But if 3 girls are playing and 2 want to go to a certain house that will exclude the third girl that also isn’t kind. Cant all three of them go to where there are allowed?

But that's not what's happening here?

OP's DD has one friend who she knows because they are neighbours.

She has some other friends who she knows because they are at school together.

They're not a friendship group that plays together. DD is the only link between the neighbour and the other girls; the other girls don't actually know her.

She's not being excluded from her friendship group, as the other girls are not, and have never been, her friendship group. DD is allowed to have different friendship groups. When I was a kid I had a really good friend who lived a few doors down from me, and I had school friends too, but the friend from down the road didn't ask to come with me when I was going round a school friend's house, because he didn't know them and they weren't his friends. That's normal.

She just has a weird possessive thing going on where she doesn't want DD doing anything without her. And her mother is insane.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/12/2023 17:19

Does the neighbour invite your DD and her school friends over?

That still wouldn’t make it unfair that her daughter isn’t invited to these other homes but it sounds like she’s just trying to use others to give her daughter a social life rather than making any effort.

pictoosh · 01/12/2023 17:21

"I can't give that the go ahead because it's not my house."

That will do.

Original poster
DonAli · 01/12/2023 17:25

Thanks everyone. I’ve messaged the mum several times saying it’s out of my hands it’s not my house to be inviting ppl etc but she doesn’t get that her daughter isn’t friends with them. She just keeps saying that my dd should also play with her dd and is leaving her out 🤷‍♀️

When I was younger you just had different friends that you would play with at different times if they didn’t know each other or whatever. The first few times she text I just laughed it off but it’s getting to be every time now because her daughter comes over every single day to see if mine will play with her. If she’s going out with someone else she always asks to go. If we’re going out somewhere she always asks to come. Apparently her mum doesn’t take her out very much and no she doesn’t have many friends over apart from my daughter. She does occasionally arrange to see her friends from school. My daughter has never asked her if she could go with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
DonAli · 01/12/2023 17:28

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/12/2023 17:19

Does the neighbour invite your DD and her school friends over?

That still wouldn’t make it unfair that her daughter isn’t invited to these other homes but it sounds like she’s just trying to use others to give her daughter a social life rather than making any effort.

No my daughters school friends have never been invited into hers. Half the time my dd isn’t allowed in her house either and they end up either playing outside or playing at my house. Sometimes her mum lets them play inside her house but a lot of the times says they’re not allowed.

OP posts:
Velvian · 01/12/2023 17:31

It sounds like you have reached the point where you need to say. "I'm not going to discuss this issue any further." She sounds intensely annoying!

Coatscoatscoast · 01/12/2023 17:36

Not your problem. I had a similar issue with a neighbour texting me if my dc didn’t immediately respond to hers but the children involved were 14!! I told her I would not be organising play dates at that age!

thing47 · 01/12/2023 17:47

'I can't invite your daughter into other people's houses you daft bint. My DD does enjoy playing with your DD, but she also wants to see her other friends and I'm not going to be stopping her doing that. Please stop constantly messaging me about this.'

Headband · 01/12/2023 18:00

I take it the neighbours daughter doesn't have many other friends .

Daleksatemyshed · 01/12/2023 18:15

Basically the neighbour doesn't want the DC at her house, she wants your DD and her friends to entertain her somewhere else. It's unusual the 12 year old even wants to play with a 10 year old, I suspect this is more driven by her DM.
I'd consider one more carefully worded text to say this out of your hands then ignore all further messages

desperatemum24 · 01/12/2023 19:18

If they are all playing on the street including neighbour and a group of them say let's go to X house but neighbour is not allowed to come, that's a bit mean and I'd discourage your dd from joining in on this. But it's still not your responsibility.

But if its literally that your dd is sometimes playing at her friends then it's none of neighbours business. If she knocks at door I'd just say dc is busy and close the door.

I do remember as a child going to my friends house and another friend stopping me and asking if I wanted to play out. I said no and went to friends house. Ten min later her mum was knocking on the door having a go because we were leaving her dd out.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 01/12/2023 19:28

desperatemum24 · 01/12/2023 19:18

If they are all playing on the street including neighbour and a group of them say let's go to X house but neighbour is not allowed to come, that's a bit mean and I'd discourage your dd from joining in on this. But it's still not your responsibility.

But if its literally that your dd is sometimes playing at her friends then it's none of neighbours business. If she knocks at door I'd just say dc is busy and close the door.

I do remember as a child going to my friends house and another friend stopping me and asking if I wanted to play out. I said no and went to friends house. Ten min later her mum was knocking on the door having a go because we were leaving her dd out.

This. It depends on the circumstances. You say her DD is going home upset at not being included. How so?

Is it that they're all playing together and then they're going off without her? Or is you DD playing with neighbour until other friends turn up and then going off without her? Or is the neighbour looking for you DD and going home upset because she then finds she's with her other friends? Or something else?

TruJay · 01/12/2023 19:29

This sounds more like the neighbour mum not being arsed to entertain her own child at home. If she’s at your house or out with your dd, she’s being occupied and possibly even fed by you/your dd. No hassle for her that way especially when you say your child is rarely allowed to play at neighbour’s house.

It’s absolutely not yours/your dd’s business who goes into school friends houses, how bizarre she would think you could/should invite a random child into someone else’s house, people are weird 🤷🏼‍♀️ I assume this mum doesn’t even know the parents of your dd’s school friends either but she’s happy for her dd to just go to their house???

MrTiddlesTheCat · 01/12/2023 19:32

Meant to include that I had similar with my DD and a neighbour. Neighbour would call for her to play and then dump her the minute anyone better turned up. My DD used to come home upset. I never said anything to the other mother though. I just encouraged DD to say no when neighbour called for her.

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