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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

School mornings

54 replies

cloverclover65 · 01/12/2023 12:11

2 boys in primary. DH is with us every morning before he WFH at 9. They have breakfast at around 7:45. I call them to the kitchen for breakfast twice. He’s sitting on the sofa with them showing them something on his phone or chatting or watching TV with them which is nice but he can hear me. I literally have to peel them away. He will only tell them to go into the kitchen after I’ve called 3 times and I’m being ignored by all.

He does get them to go into the bathroom around 8:15 but he just makes sure they’ve washed their hands then they go downstairs and I have to remind them to do their teeth so I’m bad Mummy sending them back upstairs again. Sometimes he starts a game with them at this point whilst I'm trying to make sure we have everything. Then he has a shower in the downstairs bathroom right as we are about to leave at 8:30 so I can’t get things I need or last min loo etc.

He's not great at telling if it's a good time or not but he knows how long it takes them to get ready and we’ve talked about what works best for us before. He's WFH for years. It’s not like he won’t see them for a few days. He can sit with them after they have eaten and dressed or after school as he works from home and sees them then. It’s all on his timetable. AIBU?

OP posts:

Wittyname10 · 01/12/2023 12:40

YANBU. All that TV/phone watching etc can be done after the kids are ready to go. Reverse the order? How possible would that be?

VickyEadieofThigh · 01/12/2023 12:43

What does he say when you tell him he's making life difficult and that he needs to be onside with you on this issue?

Valeriesknickknacks · 01/12/2023 12:52

Could he get up earlier with them so they have time before school? I get really frustrated with my DC lack of urgency in the morning, but one way that has improved is by getting up earlier so they have time for a play in the bath or an episode of something on TV or a whatever before school.
What are you keeping in the loo that you need to go and get? Could you ask him to wait until you've left or get up earlier to shower when you aren't about to leave the house? Could you keep the things elsewhere?
Could you plan a morning routine together, and then if he goes off plan remind him that you need to stick to the routine to get there on time?
It does sound like he's being thoughtless to you and the smooth running of the morning, but if there is a way for them to get some special time in the morning together then I don't think that's a bad thing so long as it isn't disrupting them actually getting ready. You could use it as an incentive, eg. If you get ready quickly then you can have 10 minutes Tv time together before you leave

Original poster

cloverclover65 · 01/12/2023 12:53

I've just told him about the shower and he said he'll shower earlier.

When I told him the kids are grumpy at me for getting them to do teeth after they've already been in the bathroom and if he wants to sort them out then can he get them to wash and do teeth at same time as that works better for all of us, he huffed and said ok.

He's called them 'my rules' in the past when all I've done is ask him nicely if we can change xyz as it doesn't work for me and the kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

cloverclover65 · 01/12/2023 13:00

He likes to help out in the mornings so a while ago he said he'd do wash and teeth whilst I do breakfast/pack lunches if needed.

It's my inhaler and meds I need so I need to move those to our room and do them when I get up. I try to have their bags and lunches ready the night before.

It's the feeling like he's not onside with me as he can't see it when I tell him.

OP posts:

Original poster

cloverclover65 · 01/12/2023 13:02

It is lovely that they get time with him in the morning but it's always right in the middle of the two biggies - breakfast and getting ready and he can't see it.

OP posts:

Valeriesknickknacks · 01/12/2023 13:03

I'm sorry that sounds rubbish feeling like you're working against each other instead of as a team. Could you sit down when it's calm and quiet and talk to him about how that makes you feel, that they aren't 'your rules' it's about balancing everyone's needs and that you need him to take the same responsibility for important tasks like tootbrushing.
Unfortunately I think this is all too common with men 'babysitting' their kids and 'doing the dishes for/taking the bin out for' the woman not because they are a functioning adult who has responsibilities also. And not taking on as much of the mental Load

Wolfiefan · 01/12/2023 13:08

You get them to clean teeth etc then dad does breakfast with them?

Original poster

cloverclover65 · 01/12/2023 13:10

He tends to start walking off when I'm calmly talking to him about it.

OP posts:

slavicflower · 01/12/2023 13:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

cloverclover65 · 01/12/2023 13:15

I don't think these it's unreasonable to ask him not to shower right when we are leaving so we all can't use the bathroom if we need to.

Or to ask him to make sure they do their teeth at the same time so Mummy isn't getting them back to the bathroom to do it after Daddy has just been in there with them.

I wanted to know other's thoughts.

He huffs and refers to them as the rules lol.

OP posts:

Valeriesknickknacks · 01/12/2023 13:17

The huffing and walking off when you're trying to talk to him is rubbish. How is your communication around other issues? It doesn't sound like he is showing you any concern or respect.

lechatnoir · 01/12/2023 13:20

You know there’s a simple answer to this - you do the prep and he gets the dc ready for school. Trying to share jobs like this is a recipe for disaster because we each have our own way that is right and you end up getting pissed off with the other person.

so prep bags & packed lunches night before then come downstairs and make breakfast, go into the room (not shout as that’s annoying and easily ignored) tell them all breakfast is on the table then WALK AWAY. go and get your stuff out of the downstairs bathroom and take yourself off to shower and get ready and tell DH to call when dc are ready to leave for school. Honestly, too many years trying to share care like this rarely works. If your DH doesn’t like it then agree you each do X days 100% but you absolutely can’t get involved on your off days & if they’re latE for school it’s for DH to manage.

Original poster

cloverclover65 · 01/12/2023 13:21

We get on so well and are a great team when it comes to everything else. It's just mornings or leaving the house. I used to get really frustrated with him about it as I had to drive to school and it was stressful.

OP posts:

DelphiniumBlue · 01/12/2023 13:22

Tell him you need the downstairs bathroom free at x time. Point out that telling DC to clean their teeth is really not "a job" , and he can take over doing the packed lunches etc and you'll deal with getting the DC breakfasted and ready. Teeth cleaning obviously needs to be done in the downstairs bathroom, straight after breakfast, so DC don't need to go back upstairs.
Unless you do it so breakfast first, then upstairs to get washed, teeth clean and finally dressed ( avoiding toothpaste and breakfast on clean clothes) and NO TV or screens until they are completely ready.
If he can't do that, then take yourself off to work/gym early and let him deal with it. He can develop his own rules then.

LickleLamb · 01/12/2023 13:24

Can he do it all - including dentist appts if he skips teeth cleaning.
can he drive to school?

idontlikealdi · 01/12/2023 13:24

When mine where younger they had to be dressed, hair and teeth done, everything ready (I packed their bags / did lunches and got uniform ready the. Night before) then breakfast, and then they could watch TV.

Now they're tweens they get up early to do their skin care, roll up their skirts and forget about breakfast...

Original poster

cloverclover65 · 01/12/2023 13:25

lechatnoir

You're right and I've been trying this but they didn't do their teeth the other morning and sometimes breakfast is half left because they are distracted by him giving them phone for timetables etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

cloverclover65 · 01/12/2023 13:25

He can't do it all as he starts work at 9. I work 10-2 at home so I do school runs.

OP posts:

Vettrianofan · 01/12/2023 13:28

I have four DC so I am very organised and get as much done the night before. Teeth brushed as soon as DC are up for the morning so we don't need to traipse upstairs again.

TomatoSandwiches · 01/12/2023 13:34

They need to brush their teeth first thing before eating.
Sit down together and work out what routine works best and assign each other responsibilities that neither interfer with.
Non negotiables are teeth brushed, shower before X or after Y time no screen until after breakfast.

I would have a serious word about him walking off whilst you are talking to him, that is a level of disrespect I wouldn't tolerate at all.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 01/12/2023 13:37

Get him to do the bathroom but with them first and then breakfast- so they dress and do teeth before they come down.

Dentist told me that was the better way around even though counter intuitive (you think they should be brushing breakfast away but actually their teeth are softer then and it can be damaging).

Shaves a bit of time off too for them to be ready before they eat. Then he can be showering quickly whilst they eat, or after you’ve all gone.

Vuurhoutjies · 01/12/2023 13:52

I totally and completely feel your pain. I came stomping downstairs the other night and shouted at DH that I was tired of being the baddy all the time while he's sitting there on the couch chilling out! In his defence, he has subsequently stepped up.

Tell your DH that it is HIS responsibility to ensure the kids sit down for breakfast, wash hands and face after and clean their teeth. And that you will let him know when breakfast is ready and while he's then sorting that part out, you'll be making lunches/getting yourself ready/packing bags.

And mean it.

Although DH's only core responsibility in the morning is getting the kids actually dressed and himself sorted and then he takes them to School. He's STILL late remarkably often. I find it mind-blowing.

WillowCraft · 01/12/2023 13:53

I would find it really disrespectful that the children aren't going for breakfast the first time you ask them. Your husband should be making sure they go immediately. It doesn't sound like he's actually doing anything useful, he's just obstructing you. Doesn't he care if they have time to eat or if their teeth rot? I'd ask him to take on the breakfast and packed lunch bit and you do the toothbrushing with them.

Mariposista · 01/12/2023 13:57

I would be leaving him to it for a couple of weeks. Head out early with your laptop, enjoy a nice breakfast in a cafe and then work from the library.
He is taking the piss.

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