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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

School mornings

54 replies

cloverclover65 · 01/12/2023 12:11

2 boys in primary. DH is with us every morning before he WFH at 9. They have breakfast at around 7:45. I call them to the kitchen for breakfast twice. He’s sitting on the sofa with them showing them something on his phone or chatting or watching TV with them which is nice but he can hear me. I literally have to peel them away. He will only tell them to go into the kitchen after I’ve called 3 times and I’m being ignored by all.

He does get them to go into the bathroom around 8:15 but he just makes sure they’ve washed their hands then they go downstairs and I have to remind them to do their teeth so I’m bad Mummy sending them back upstairs again. Sometimes he starts a game with them at this point whilst I'm trying to make sure we have everything. Then he has a shower in the downstairs bathroom right as we are about to leave at 8:30 so I can’t get things I need or last min loo etc.

He's not great at telling if it's a good time or not but he knows how long it takes them to get ready and we’ve talked about what works best for us before. He's WFH for years. It’s not like he won’t see them for a few days. He can sit with them after they have eaten and dressed or after school as he works from home and sees them then. It’s all on his timetable. AIBU?

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 01/12/2023 14:03

I don't understand why you don't agree he has them at the door ready to go at X. He knows what has to be done and step back.

Original poster
cloverclover65 · 01/12/2023 14:04

Your husband should be making sure they go immediately.

This.

Funnily enough, when I was ill in bed once, he had to do it all and he didn't interrupt himself with anything and it all got done very smoothly.

We agreed a while ago:

  • I do breakfast/packed lunches
  • He does wash and teeth
  • They get themselves dressed.
  • I drive them to school at 8:35

He either distracts them or does a half job.

OP posts:
Original poster
cloverclover65 · 01/12/2023 14:06

I don't understand why you don't agree he has them at the door ready to go at X then step back.

I did this the other day but no one had done their teeth and one hadn't eaten much breakfast cos he'd put him on his phone to do maths homework whilst he went in the shower.

OP posts:
ElaineMBenes · 01/12/2023 14:07

Sounds like you have three kids tbh......

Marblessolveeverything · 01/12/2023 14:12

Well tell him to either actual parent. Not taking care of basic hygiene for a child is not on.

What does he say when you highlight the gaps?

Bilingualspingual · 01/12/2023 14:17

We just don’t do screens before school - not for any moral reason, it’s just much harder for them (and dh clearly!) to drag themselves away. We even hide the remotes in our bedroom so no on can switch on in the morning. Without that distraction it’s a bit easier to get them ready - they find enough to distract anyway. Could you hide remotes from all of them - take them up at bedtime??

Original poster
cloverclover65 · 01/12/2023 14:19

What does he say when you highlight the gaps?

He says 'ok' and walks off as if he's being told off.

OP posts:
wishingiwas20something · 01/12/2023 14:37

Tell DH to stay out of the way? This is why I prefer to do the morning run solo. No one getting in the way, confusing the agenda, or diverting attention. My rule is if it’s not your morning run either a) go to work or b) hide in bed - i.e you aren’t helping.

Original poster
cloverclover65 · 01/12/2023 14:45

I've tried this but he insists he wants to do one thing before he gets ready for work and wants to spend time with them as he doesn't have a commute. So I said as I do the cooking I'll do breakfast and you can supervise teeth and washing. They can get themselves dressed and meet me at the door.

I've just spoken to him and he's agreed to shower earlier and make sure they do their teeth and wash all at the same time so they aren't in and out of the bathroom.

It's a small problem in the scheme of things but I need to drive them on a busy road so hate leaving the house stressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
cloverclover65 · 04/12/2023 11:10

We agreed over the weekend that I would do breakfast, he would do the teeth and I’ll prep everything else night before and they can get themselves ready.

He knows the time we leave to get in the car.
This morning we’ve literally got about two minutes before they need to get their shoes on and go and he still hasn’t come to tell him to do their teeth, so I had to start them off and then I walked off and then he came along and told them to make sure they got the back ones properly.

I told him I had to start them off as we were running out of time.

I don’t want to step in and do it for him. One of my kids hates doing teeth so I think he’s avoiding the strop.

OP posts:
Vuurhoutjies · 04/12/2023 11:16

So the ONE task he had, he's failed on the very first day?

And I bet he's now sulking and upset because you were irritated?

Original poster
cloverclover65 · 04/12/2023 11:27

Yep.

It takes 45 minutes to get two kids fed properly, dressed and washed and out the door for 835. We’ve been doing this for years and he knows that .

He’s just said he still thinks we’ve got time for them to watch an episode of TV each while they wake up which we literally don’t have time for so I turned the telly off myself at 7:45 lol.

OP posts:
Original poster
cloverclover65 · 04/12/2023 11:29

They wake up at different times and are hungry for breakfast at different times.

We’ve just agreed no TV as no time and slows everyone down.

Mornings!!!

OP posts:
Howmuchtohireahitman · 04/12/2023 11:41

What age are the kids? Surely they know they have to do their teeth when they get washed. After breakfast I send my 5yo upstairs and she brushes her teeth and gets washed the then makes her bed and opens her curtains. When I started trying to get her to do some things by herself I got a reward chart. Only needed it for about 5 weeks before she was just in the swing of things. It means I can get on with doing packed lunches and getting myself ready.

It's not ideal that your DH is not supportive in the morning and if anything sounds more of a hindrance. Maybe you need to get him a reward chart as well!

Original poster
cloverclover65 · 04/12/2023 12:55

They are 9 so old enough to know to brush teeth when washing their face but rush through it to play together so need supervision.

When DH has to get them to a club he runs one night after school, he’s clock watching and chivvying them along as he doesn’t want to be late. I stay out of the way or help keep them on task.

OP posts:
Original poster
cloverclover65 · 04/12/2023 12:55

They have a list they follow but are so distracted by each other (and DH!).

OP posts:
Vuurhoutjies · 04/12/2023 13:07

I think his task should be to get them dressed and ALSO do the school run. Doing the walk of shame and having to fill in the form for why they are late a few times in a row might focus his mind a bit.

Original poster
cloverclover65 · 04/12/2023 13:27

When I’ve been ill or away, he does the lot and it’s all fine. Same as the club after school.

OP posts:
Original poster
cloverclover65 · 04/12/2023 13:56

Would it annoy you that when it’s him who has to get them somewhere on time, he doesn’t delay or distract them by starting something else but when it’s you who has to get them somewhere, he’s not seeing things through/keeing them on task i.e sat at table, washing properly etc

OP posts:
Vuurhoutjies · 04/12/2023 16:02

cloverclover65 · 04/12/2023 13:56

Would it annoy you that when it’s him who has to get them somewhere on time, he doesn’t delay or distract them by starting something else but when it’s you who has to get them somewhere, he’s not seeing things through/keeing them on task i.e sat at table, washing properly etc

Yes. I regularly complain to DH that it's like when I'm there he just abdicates all responsibility. He's much better than he used to be, but it's still infuriating when it happens.

Maybe you need to take turns to do it all in the morning, including the school run. I have been known to tell DH that I'm having a lie in and he can sort it all out. Not often, but sometimes. Because I regularly do it by myself. And when we do it "together" it's still 80% me so I feel no guilt staying in bed every few weeks and leaving him to get on with it.

Original poster
cloverclover65 · 05/12/2023 13:01

No TV this morning meant DS1 had a much needed lie-in, everyone had a proper breakfast without arguing over who had watched X amount of TV and DH supervised teeth.

I pop to the loo just before we go (8:30) and DH is getting them started on a table top pool game with him. No shoes/coat on.

I gave up and went and sat in the car. Cue everyone rushing out late and DS forgot his inhaler.

I’ve asked DH so many times not to start something like that near leaving time on a school morning.

First world problems I know but I wouldn’t set up a game togther right when they have to leave for their club.

OP posts:
Original poster
cloverclover65 · 05/12/2023 13:07

We are a great team apart from this!

OP posts:
Vuurhoutjies · 05/12/2023 13:17

@cloverclover65 I honestly think this sort of thing is a kind of disrespect. It's basically saying that the things that you consider important, are not important to him - eg school, or being on time or brushing teeth or whatever. I know that with us, this was exactly it - DH would happily start some crazy game 10 minutes before bedtime. But it's because he not so secretly thinks that I'm a complete nag about bedtimes and that it's not that important. Ditto, he gets school and all the rest of it but a big part of him thinks that our children are too regimented and school is a bit pointless and we shouldn't all be bowing down to "the man".

At one point, with DS also having SEN and we were trying to get to the bottom of things and there were appointments and assessments and a lot of things going on and I was desperately trying to make things a bit better for DS and I had to write him a letter because I knew we couldn't talk about it. In the letter I basically told him that I felt like I was doing this alone. That he seemed to think that th healthy food and the sleep to help DS actually function at school and all the rest of it just happened spontaneously and/or weren't important and that I was so tired and exhausted from just constantly being the one keeping all of these balls in the air.

He did listen, but I think it took me getting to the point that I had to spell out how disrespectful it was to expect me to do all the adult things to really improve things.

Rycbar · 05/12/2023 14:15

Honestly I’d bow out and say I’m not doing the school run anymore. He can do it.

Rainallnight · 05/12/2023 14:28

Take it in turns to do mornings - alternate who's in charge.

The one who’s not in charge keeps out of the way - you could go for a run or whatever. It doesn’t need two people and it clearly is making life difficult in your case.

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