I generally put everyone else first before me and so I’m struggling with this one because I think the only way to be happy is to sacrifice someone else’s happiness. I would appreciate some completely and utter honesty and constructive advice on how to move forward.
My mum wanted to retire early, me and my husband want to buy a house but the rent where we live “down south” is high so was looking to be unfeasible.
As I had just had a new baby, mum suggested we give it notice in at our rental and move in with her. She lives in a 3 bed alone so there was room for me, our son and our newborn. We could live there for 2 years and hopefully on my 60k salary be able to save up and buy a house up north near one of my company’s other offices.
We reckoned we could put away maybe £1500 a month, so 2 to 3 years. I haven’t lived with mum for 20 years and don’t see her an awful lot - which meant I was naive.
So, a year ago we moved in. She quit her job and she spends her days providing childcare as “grandchildren should be at home”. I tried to sign up our now 1 year old to nursery and she was having none of it.
I am at the end of my tether. I am late 30s and I cannot handle being spoken to like I am a teenager, I gently tapped our sons hand when he grabbed the dogs fur and she said “don’t do that, you mustn’t hit him”. I have turned into this horrific horrible person who snaps the second she breathes, who can’t even be in the same room. I was working from home, I’m now back in the office as I just cannot handle it. My husband only works part time for health reasons, he’s taken to sitting in the caravan just to get away from her. If he tries to take our son out for a walk with the dog - she even tells him how to use the pram. Every time! Every evening I am upstairs. My son doesn’t leave his bedroom, I eat my tea in bed…at 38!!!
In return for us living there rent free, I pay for all of her/our bills. She hasn’t taken a pension yet so her only income is me. She isn’t wealthy at all, she inherited a house which needs so much working doing.
I thought this would be fine, I thought she’d had a hard life when she was married to dad and she’s been very lonely so she’d love to have the kids around (she does) but she wouldn’t be so controlling. Not only that but she is filthy and doesn’t clean. Now I would imagine there are gasps at the audacity, but let me tell you, every surface is cluttered and there is a singular square of surface usable in the kitchen. Every single time I go to the washing up bowl - she appears and says “I’m about to do that”. Every time I start to clean surfaces, move the toasted to clean underneath she tells me I need to use Ecover not whatever I’ve picked up. If I start to clean the oven, she appears to tell me it’s self cleaning…if I start to clean the bathroom - she pops her head out of the toilet and garbles “not the bleach not the bleach”. She doesn’t let me do the laundry, she has PHYSICALLY wrestled the Lenor Unstoppables from me. I bought a new bedding set “ooh it’s got polyester in it” to which I turned into a raging beast and threatened to lob it at her. I am 38…not 18. I bought washing up liquid and was criticised for not price checking it and for not driving another ten minutes to ASDA where it’s on offer. “Have you tested DS2s milk temperature, have you walked the dog, have you checked if DS1 has PE tomorrow, have you checked your tyre pressure”.
I’ve turned into a horrible beast of a human and I’m going to ruin our relationship.
If I move out, she doesn’t have a job, She gave everything up for us. She’ll feel abandoned. I love her but dear lord I do not like her and it breaks my heart.
How do I fix this? She raised me, she’s given up so much for me and the siblings. I thought this would be good and we’d be fine and then she’d only have a couple of years before pension. I have royally fucked up.