About people who say ‘just relax’

[ThoughtfulSometimes]

As if that’s the magic answer … so insensitive

Feeling sore today as several cycles into TTC and each cycle has been negative. I/we are doing everything ‘right’, taking the supplements trying to be healthy and so on.

Myself and DH aren’t even yet 25 so I thought it would be quicker than this. When I was younger I had an unexpected pregnancy with DH who was then-DP, but it was a very early loss. I suppose we know we can (or could) conceive, but all of a sudden we just aren’t. My cycles are around 40 days long lately which is not normal for me as they always used to be 29-31 days.

I am worried we have some kind of secondary infertility and that we wont conceive. I never expected to not be pregnant already. I’m not trying to be insensitive to anyone who’s been trying for longer, so I’m really sorry if thats how this post comes across.

I am just upset and dont know how I achieve this ‘relax’ advice which is bandied about. It’s on my mind 24/7.

Why do people say it? Do they want to appear helpful? I dont think some realise how hurtful and frustrating it is to hear that comment. To me it’s no better than saying don’t think of pink elephants!

I’m not sure bad intent is meant but all the same! Had a friend say this and see it online all the time

I understand, it's absolutely not helpful, but there is a side where this is sensible advice, if your nervous system is in a constant state of agitation, it can cause a lot of different health conditions and lower your chances of conceiving. Understandably this is a high stress situation you are in, but it's always worthwhile to explore techniques that aid relaxation.

Thanks. Im not sure if it makes a difference or not? Babies are conceived in war zones, times of stress, all sorts

No doubt it is incredibly irritating advice but as PP said it genuinely can make a difference. I have a number of friends who were getting really stressed out and struggling TTC but gave up stressing and boom got pregnant. By gave up stressing I mean one couple after multiple rounds of IVF decided to give up and wife got pregnant, one couple decided they had plenty of time as they were still young and they'd travel round the world for a year instead (boom, pregnant on the next cycle), one couple decided to stop trying as they were getting really upset and pregnant a couple of months later etc. Whilst age can be a factor it isn't necessarily, some people take longer and others don't. The average time to conceive is a year.

If you are worried there are cheap over the counter tests you can do e.g. to check partner's sperm count. Have you been tracking ovulation and ensuring you maximise your fertile window?

Could you try to focus on something else to help distract you a bit? A new project etc. Also incidentally apparently fertility is linked to your circadian rhythm so no harm in trying having sex at other times of day if you usually only do it at night.

Yes people do have babies in war zones but there's been no study on the impact on fertility. But there have been studies on stress and fertility. If you understand about how the brain and nervous system control our experiences and emotions it would be crazy to suggest it wouldn't affect conception. focusing on breathing techniques, going to soundbath, doing restorative yoga, many things you can do.

I think it depends - if there's a medical reason for infertility then it's much more annoying. People wouldn't tell you to just relax for other medical conditions and expect good results. If it's unexplained infertility, then it's also annoying but less so in my experience - it might be based on their own experience, well-meaning etc.
Still annoying though- I'd take the topic off the table if you can. Change the subject, don't bring it up. Choose a couple of really sympathetic friends to confide it only.

Maybe I need to relax then! I wonder if it would be effective enough if I totally chilled out now to have better chances next cycle

I suppose if you're telling people, they might not actually have any helpful advice or know what to suggest. Yes, they could just nod and listen but it's human nature, often, to say something. People don't always get it right. I'm sure, if they are close friends, they don't mean any harm.

I get you OP - TTC is stressful and you can't just switch off and 'relax' when it's upsetting you. It's not that simple!!

YANBU, they are talking out of their bumholes.

Most useless advice ever, tied with "have you thought about adoption?"

I don't think they're saying "just relax" like it'll have a causative effect on you conceiving.

I think they're saying it because it takes the majority of couples up to a year to conceive. So they're saying it in the sense "just be patient and wait".

There's quite little you can do to hurry this on, except continuing to dtd regularly.

All the stuff people suggest like lifting your legs or drinking coconut water or whatever doesn't really help. So you might as well just be patient and it'll happen when it happens. That's what "just relax" means to me in this context

I agree it sounds very irritating.

On the neuroscience side - relaxation techniques such as deep breathing, vagal nerve stimulation, meditation, calm the nervous system, bringing it back to homeostasis and helps to flush excess cortisol in the body which has detrimental effects if it remains in your body for longer periods. It also takes your body out of flight or flight mode and tells your body it is "safe". So "relaxing" is definitely helpful.

However, there is a tactful way to say this - just relax is not one of them.

What do you think would work better and not sound condescending?

My friend (generally high strung) has acute myelitis - inflammation of the coating of the nerves. Doctors have told them to relax (in a medical way) for better recovery - and the ability to walk again (plus medication of course). I see them stressed and angry often and struggle to find a way to tell them to calm down without sounding dismissive.

It actually doesn't take the majority of couples up to a year to conceive.

If you have normal fertility and are hitting the right days every cycle it should be much quicker than that.

I found tracking my ovulation helpful because it enabled me to rule out various problems. But I've been told on here that using ovulation tests and temping actually makes you less fertile because it makes you stressed and it's better to just relaaaaax instead.

Obviously all the anecdotes about people finally getting pregnant when they just relaaaaaxed and had a few cocktails on holiday prove that stress causes infertility and have absolutely nothing to do with people having more sex on holiday.

This is why im worried. This + our ages mean it should’ve happened immediately, like it did less than two years ago

I am upset about it and it’s really hard not to be. It’s all I want and we conceived immediately in the past, quite by accident and literally one time. Something must seriously be the matter if several months of trying every other day and there’s not been a positive yet. My cycles are so long, 40+ days just isn’t great is it?

Are you tracking your ovulation, OP?

A long cycle doesn't have to be problematic in itself (although it is annoying because your chance to try comes round less often) but if you don't have a textbook 28 day cycle with ovulation on day 14 I think it's really helpful to track.

Not with OPKs but with EWCM/sometimes temping. I’m not consistent with it as I dont want to get bogged down and more stressed

My fertile window is definitely CD19-24.

It would probably be worth temping consistently for 2-3 months just to be absolutely sure you're ovulating when you think you are. Taking your temperature vaginally is better and more consistent than doing it orally.

Stress can raise prolactin which can impact your cycle. Your GP can do a blood test for this. I understand where you are coming from though as I have an (IVF) baby and unfortunately no amount of relaxing was ever going to cure my endometriosis so I did not find those comments helpful either! It is normal to take up to 12 months to conceive but definitely book in with your GP after that

Obviously, it’s a dimwitted thing to say, but maybe they’re wondering what the rush is? You’re both very young, and already seem to be panicking after only ‘several cycles’.

I don’t think our age has anything to do with it really. Everyone has their own time frame. Women can’t win. <30 is very young, 30-32 perfect, 33+ getting on a bit and 40+ ancient. Worrying is valid aged 18 or 45.

Exactly how long is ‘several cycles?’ 🙄

Why are you rolling your eyes? Did you mean to be unkind there or was it an accident?

Unkind - relax min.

It is rather unkind to roll your eyes at someone who’s clearly worried. You couldve scrolled on. Not sure what point you were trying to make