About people who say ‘just relax’

[ThoughtfulSometimes]

As if that’s the magic answer … so insensitive

Feeling sore today as several cycles into TTC and each cycle has been negative. I/we are doing everything ‘right’, taking the supplements trying to be healthy and so on.

Myself and DH aren’t even yet 25 so I thought it would be quicker than this. When I was younger I had an unexpected pregnancy with DH who was then-DP, but it was a very early loss. I suppose we know we can (or could) conceive, but all of a sudden we just aren’t. My cycles are around 40 days long lately which is not normal for me as they always used to be 29-31 days.

I am worried we have some kind of secondary infertility and that we wont conceive. I never expected to not be pregnant already. I’m not trying to be insensitive to anyone who’s been trying for longer, so I’m really sorry if thats how this post comes across.

I am just upset and dont know how I achieve this ‘relax’ advice which is bandied about. It’s on my mind 24/7.

Why do people say it? Do they want to appear helpful? I dont think some realise how hurtful and frustrating it is to hear that comment. To me it’s no better than saying don’t think of pink elephants!

Nae point - I simply asked how many several cycles are and you’ve taken an affa offence.

I understand, I guess rolling your eyes along with your question was an accident

Yabu.

I understand how stressful this is after seven long years of secondary infertility. It's horrible but people have no idea how their kindly meant comments can affect you. You have to grow a thick skin and deflect their comments ('easier said than done', 'sometimes you don't have a choice' etc etc)

Another anecdote for you: after seven years of trying for another baby we officially gave up. I was past 40 and it all seemed pointless. Boom! Immediately pregnant 😂 honestly there is something about giving yourself space/permission/time!

YANBU, it’s early days for you I think but having been where you are, it feels invalidating, dismissive and unkind to say ‘you’ll be fine if you relax’ or ‘it will happen’ or tell stories about people who managed to conceive naturally. Just made me feel like even more of a failure, disheartened and misunderstood.

Thank you for being so kind. This is exactly it.

I was the same. I hated that advice. Until I then went over into a difficult place and now I understand.

It means you seem very stressed out if you don't relax things will get rougher. Really try hard to find ways to relax yourself.

Because if you relax a bit you release positive hormones that may just help. Music, massage anything. It might just help a bit. It's not meant as dismissive it's meant to try and steer you where you need to try to get to mentally. To get what you want.

In many cases you get only pregnant 1 day a month. And it's the last day you make the egg white stuff. If you not consistent tracking and just having lots of sex you could still miss the one day you conceive. Lots of sex means more diluted sperm. I tracked very carefully. But just for three months. I was lucky. But I think not tracking enough is a wasted try.

If your window is 5 days. And the actual ovulation (last egg white day) is on the 5th day and that's a Monday. You probably didn't have sex. So you didn't actually try that month. If you try bang on three months on last egg white day and don't conceive then you can start to investigate. Until then no point. You could easily do a year and not hit that one day. If it's mon to Fri for example and then it's at the weekend but your parents stay over. Or you stay out late and are too tired.

It's easy for it to take a year or more if you don't track.

Trying every other day dilutes sperm.

It doesn't make any difference if you are relaxed or stressed so YANBU to object to that advice.

But it's not true that it "should" happen immediately. You only have about a 20% to 25% chance of conception per cycle. It takes on average about 4 cycles to conceive, which means, remember, for every one couple who conceive on cycle 1, there is a couple who conceive on cycle 8, nothing was different for either of them, there was no difference in their fertility, it was just that the odds rolled differently for each of them, pure chance. Like when you're trying to roll a 6 in Frustration and it seems to take forever while someone on the opposite side of the board is getting strings of them in a row. That is why they say try for a year before seeking medical advice.

In terms of long cycles this could cause an issue with working out when you're ovulating which may cause you to miss the fertile window. Trying some methods to track ovulation, like ovulation predictor kits or basal body temperature tracking can help here. Then if you find something unusual you can take that info to your doctor.

I had a horribly irregular cycle and spent almost 2 years without getting pregnant (not technically TTC but not doing anything to prevent). I eventually started doing temps in the morning and that worked the 2nd month.

Hopefully it'll happen soon for you.

Some women have a peak in fertility before the menopause as their ovaries start going into overdrive and chucking out all their remaining eggs in the hope of conceiving one last baby before it's too late. I think this accounts for a lot of the women who had "given up" and then got pregnant naturally in their 40s. Congratulations on your baby.