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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OCD, anxiety and intrusive thoughts

29 replies

Khanny · 30/11/2023 12:26

Not me but my poor husband is really really struggling at the moment. He has a psychiatrist but the appointments are very few and far between. He won't take medication due to the anxiety side of his mental health and the time he did take quetiapine he was convinced they were making him forget things so he stopped them.

Long story short he had a very traumatic and sometimes abusive childhood and the result of that is extreme anger which can come on so quickly and over nothing, and he has been diagnosed with OCD and anxiety but now the intrusive thoughts seem to be taking over his everything at the moment. A lot of them are about me, and him thinking I don't love him, thinking I've had better than him in my youth, he imagines me with other men in my youth and this gets him into such an angry state of mind and nothing I say or do changes it. I don't know how to help him deal with the intrusive thoughts and would appreciate any help or advice because I am finding this all very very difficult x

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Metacat · 30/11/2023 18:08

I'd get him on a waiting list for specialist help - external support can speed recovery / enable long-term management. Detached mindfulness can be great, but may be better practised under professional guidance. Doing the tiger task for a few minutes a day is worth a try - just google "detached mindfulness - the tiger task". It just means imagining a tiger, then sitting watching what it does. You'd be amazed what your mind comes up with, and every second you spend on a "What the heck! Why did I just make it dance / bake / dribble / curl up?" etc. is a second training the practitioner to separate themselves from their thoughts, lessening their thoughts' power. Easy as pie across an extended period, and can make an immeasurable difference after a number of months.

Lochness1975 · 30/11/2023 18:10

Can you contact the crisis team? I am able to contact mine when I need support between psychiatrist appointments x

overthinkersanonnymus · 30/11/2023 18:15

SSRI are the best solution. I know you said he won't take them because of the anxiety (I was the same for years) but they do massively reduce the thought loops as well as the length of time

mynameiscalypso · 30/11/2023 18:17

My view of mental health issues in a relationship (and god knows I have enough of them) is that the relationship can really only survive if the person with mental health issues takes full responsibility for their treatment and tries every option, including meds.

Notcookie · 30/11/2023 18:23

Depending on funds you could look at a device like Alpha Stim which is used for anxiety but no side effects of medication. It is very expensive though!

CalistoNoSolo · 30/11/2023 18:24

Is he dangerous? Will he end up hitting you or worse? Are there children in this scenario?

SoddingWeddings · 30/11/2023 18:27

OK, the first question I have is whether you're safe. His behaviour is escalating, his delusions are escalating, and that's dangerous.

If he were to become violent, it may be very sudden.

Please think about an escape plan if he were to become violent - don't try to reason with him when he's not able to be rational.

Can you contact the emergency community mental health team? Maybe via@ the GP if you're not familiar with this.

In an emergency though, please call 999 and the police can help. They can get an emergency assessment done if needs be, but I can't guarantee he wouldn't spend time in a police cell should things hit the fan.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/11/2023 18:56

Op, no matter how much you love and support your husband, he cannot expect you to put up with abuse or scary and threatening behaviour. It may be time to draw a very hard line. He either takes medication or you will leave him. You can't live like this, and if he continues to deteriorate, you could be in very serious danger.

Original poster
Khanny · 30/11/2023 21:01

Thank you, I will Google that and introduce it to him. I’m grateful for anything that might help him, his brain goes at 100 miles per hour and most of it is just imaginary things or the intrusion that he then gets in a state over and needs constant reassurance xx

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Original poster
Khanny · 30/11/2023 21:04

Yes good idea, thank you. The last time we contacted them they sent an ambulance out (COVID lockdown time) to him and he cried that he doesn’t like the way he feels or the way he makes other people feel. I really feel for him but he has to engage in the support offered to have a chance at getting better xx

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Original poster
Khanny · 30/11/2023 21:05

Absolutely agree. He needs to engage in support offered to have a chance at helping himself and helping his relationships xx

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Original poster
Khanny · 30/11/2023 21:06

Thank you. Will make a note of these and mention them to the doctor when we get an appt or I’ll contact his psychiatrist and see if he will speak to me xx

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Original poster
Khanny · 30/11/2023 21:06

Never heard of one but off I go to Google now! Thank you xx

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SleepingBeautySnores · 30/11/2023 21:07

Like an earlier poster I am concerned for your safety with someone like this OP, if he loses his temper as quickly as you say, it is quite possible he could become violent, can you reassure us on this score at all?

Original poster
Khanny · 30/11/2023 21:08

No he won’t hurt me but he does hurt himself, he punches himself in the head and face🥺but as I’ve said to the others he needs to engage in the support he is offered, I think he needs therapy but he won’t go xx

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Original poster
Khanny · 30/11/2023 21:10

Thank you. He wouldn’t hurt me but hurts himself and then once he calms down he is full of regret for his actions and thoughts.
I 100% do not doubt he won’t get better unless he engages in support. I think I need to have contact with his mental health team also as I think he sometimes holds back how bad he is to them xx

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Original poster
Khanny · 30/11/2023 21:13

Thank you. He is always remorseful and full of regret when he has those thoughts and reacts to them. He’s not violent but does hurt himself at times when he’s lost any control. He had such a horrible childhood I just wish I could take it all away for him xx

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nluebackground · 30/11/2023 21:14

One of my friends (who has MH struggles) has described medication as the 'scaffolding' to help you climb out of a mess. It's
not necessarily the cure or a fix but it might just be the ladder to climb to get to a better place.

SleepingBeautySnores · 30/11/2023 21:15

Thank you for putting our minds at rest OP.

In view of what you've said about he won't go and get the therapy, which he clearly needs as a matter of urgency, then I think you have to put him straight, and tell him that while you love him dearly, the fact that he isn't trying to sort this thing out, shows a lack of love on HIS part for you, as his neediness and temper are causing you severe stress. If he won't take that on board, then I really do think you should consider walking away from this relationship. I'm one of those people who have all the sympathy in the world for those who try to help themselves, but for people who sit and moan but won't make any effort to improve their situation, I have none at all. I fear that the future is in your hands, as allowing him to carry on along his current path will only destroy the relationship in the end anyway.

Original poster
Khanny · 30/11/2023 21:16

Of course I can, he’s not violent at all. He’s just had a messed up childhood and wasn’t protected from things by the people who should have protected him and I am so mad with those people. He does need to engage in the support he is offered in order to get better though. Thank you for your message and concern xx

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Gudrunnn · 30/11/2023 21:24

The website for OCD UK is very good. It offers specific advice on what type of therapy works for OCD (CBT including ERP; this is very important) and how to find a therapist.

SSRIs are also really important.

Ultimately he has to engage with effective treatment or he is putting both of you through a huge amount of suffering by his own choice. I know this is harsh but it's true.

Ohnoooooooo · 30/11/2023 21:31

Has he ever been assessed for Inattentive ADHD? We have OCD and inattentive ADHD in our family - inattentive ADHD is a busy mind - thinking of many things at once and it can make OCD so much worse unfortunately.
A psychiatrist is really for med appointments - what he also needs is a clinical psychologist. But the NHS is best for OCD - private people tend to be jack of all trades and master of none unfortunately when it comes to OCD. have you asked him to be referred?

Original poster
Khanny · 30/11/2023 21:49

Thank you, ohh not harsh at all I totally agree that he has to engage in the support he is offered. I will take a look at the website, thank you x

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Original poster
Khanny · 30/11/2023 21:52

Funnily enough at his last appointment 2 weeks ago the psychiatrist referred him for adhd testing. He is just waiting on a questionnaire to fill in from the gp for the next steps and I believe he has adhd alongside the ocd and anxiety from the symptoms I have read…he has them all! Xx

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itsmylife7 · 30/11/2023 21:56

Khanny · 30/11/2023 21:10

Thank you. He wouldn’t hurt me but hurts himself and then once he calms down he is full of regret for his actions and thoughts.
I 100% do not doubt he won’t get better unless he engages in support. I think I need to have contact with his mental health team also as I think he sometimes holds back how bad he is to them xx

You're being extremely nieve OP.

You don't believe he'd hurt you but when he's having intrusive thoughts anything could happen.