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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can emotionally abusive relationship ever change?

41 replies

Afterglow12 · 30/11/2023 07:33

Exactly as it says really. My partner has been emotionally abusive I think for a while - controlling and critical about everyday things, gaslighting when things brought up and has thrown things/ punched walls a few times (though not for a while). Above this I have a bit of an issue with his values on life - I don't think he is kind and is just a bit of a short tempered, opinionated person. I'm only gaining clarity on the situation after counselling this year as I didn't know it was abusive due to the amount of gaslighting and thinking I was the problem.

So I'm at the point where I have voiced my desire to end things but he really wants us to try and for both of us to work to make each other happy. In fairness he has been miles better since I voiced things and I don't always communicate well as I find it difficult to share my feelings with him and let it all build up. He's trying to be more thoughtful towards me and pull his weight around our flat. But AIBU to not really want to give him another chance? Now I'm not saying I am perfect as I have my own things to work on. I just fear things will revert back and I'm getting to an age where I need to think long term for kids etc.

TIA for any advice.

OP posts:
Headband · 30/11/2023 07:43

No they don't change, don't waste your life hoping he will.

EarringsandLipstick · 30/11/2023 07:44

No.

They can't & won't change.

Promising they might is part of the process of emotional manipulation.

Catza · 30/11/2023 08:21

They might if he is seeking help and therapy. He won't change through pure will, he actually needs skills to recognise his abusive traits and deal with underlying issues. In these cases, it is still best to put a pause on the relationship and let him do some work with a therapist, then review at a later stage.
There are support organisations for perpetrators of abuse which could be the first step in getting help.

Piffle11 · 30/11/2023 08:24

No, they can’t change. I’ve been there… Things get better for awhile – usually after you have threatened to end the relationship – and then things fall back as they were. In my case, my ex, then started using my unhappiness as an excuse for him mistreating me: he claimed I was making him insecure by threatening to leave, which was causing his awful behaviour. My ex also used to punch walls and throw things, and then, after a while he was throwing things AT me, and physically pushing me. So I wouldn’t rule out that happening in your case, either.

CornedBeef451 · 30/11/2023 08:25

My DH did change. We went to couples counselling and the main focus ended up being his behaviour. He has worked really hard to recognise what he did and how it was exactly what his mom used to do.

I'm really impressed he changed and life is much better now but the downside is that I can't just erase the decade or so of emotional abuse and the walls I put up to protect myself.

It was worth doing as hopefully he won't do the same to our DCs but I'm not sure our relationship can really recover from it.

So, he might change but even if he does it might not help you that much.

Original poster
Afterglow12 · 30/11/2023 08:35

@CornedBeef451 this is really helpful actually as another part of my fear is that even if he does change that it won't be enough to let go of the way he has treated me.

I just feel so ready for a happy and peaceful life whether that's alone or with someone. I don't want to end things prematurely but the fact is he's very unwilling to admit he has been abusive and therefore I don't believe he could actually change. Then even if he did I'm not sure he could ever change into a person that could give me a calm and content relationship. So I think I'm answering my own question..

OP posts:
Newnamehiwhodis · 30/11/2023 08:40

No, they don’t change. And that he says “both of you” will work on “making each other happy” makes me a little nauseous. He’s still not completely taking full accountability, is he - this is exactly the kind of slithery wording they use, to sound all sincere, but at the same time let themselves off the hook, secretly believing they’re entitled to continue as they have been.

no, they absolutely do not change. Think about it like this: if he KNEW what was bad in his behavior toward you, knew enough to “work on it” and change, why wouldn’t he
have done that on his own, before you got fed up and ready to end it?

answer: because he won’t actually change. He’s just trying to reel you back in.

please run, and do not let him lure you back.

GalileoHumpkins · 30/11/2023 08:41

No. You should be running a mile, fast.

Mystero · 30/11/2023 08:48

Maybe you don't "communicate well" with him because you don't feel emotionally safe with him.

Listen to your gut. I think your answer is in your OP.

Wolfiefan · 30/11/2023 08:49

Don’t have counselling with an abuser. Just separate.

newnamethanks · 30/11/2023 09:00

He's not been 'like this for a while'. This is who he is. So, no, he won't change. LTB.

BoohooWoohoo · 30/11/2023 09:06

Sometimes there’s too much water under the bridge and there’s nothing that can be done to regain feelings.

You are going to feel better ending it now than living a life of tip toeing around him in the fear that he’ll revert to his old self. The fact that he’s “changed” overnight is proof that he knew what he was doing all along. People like this are nice until your guard is down then go back to their old patterns.

I hope that you become single and heal.

Suusue · 30/11/2023 09:10

They will NEVER EVER change.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 30/11/2023 09:51

The only thing counselling did for me (joint, he was EA so it really shouldn't have been done together) was consolidate the fact he was a huge narc and was never going to be the man I wanted him to be*. Also by that stage, too much water had gone under the bridge and I was too hurt, too detached to ever see a way forward.

*I should say I felt like this from about halfway through the first session when he couldn't take any responsibility for his awful behaviour and blamed me for how he was reacting.

Original poster
Afterglow12 · 30/11/2023 10:02

@Loverofoxbowlakes that's how I feel I think. I've been trying to give him a chance but everyday my gut tells me I should leave and I can't stop looking at places to live for myself. Even when I said I wanted to end things he had to put in the things that he's unhappy with about me which just shows he doesn't understand. If I do break up with him, I know it will be like "you've ruined my life" but if you didn't treat me so badly we wouldn't be here would we? He's unaware of his behaviour and I'm sure it's because his parents relationships the same but doesn't excuse it. I just can't see past it all like you say too. Sorry to hear you went through EA and hope you're in a better place now.

OP posts:
Haveyouanyjam · 30/11/2023 14:40

If you don’t have children there is zero point trying to work on anything, it sounds like you know deep down you should leave. You don’t owe him anything.

With children, encouraging counselling etc. is positive as your children will be effected by his behaviour, but they aren’t a reason to subject yourself to further abuse and are an even bigger reason to leave.

Let him be his own problem.

Original poster
Afterglow12 · 30/11/2023 16:21

@Haveyouanyjam I know, I am lucky there are no children involved. I've made a list of examples of the times I can think of off the top of my head where he has put me down or been abusive and it's taken me about 10 minutes to have over 40 examples so it says it all.

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 30/11/2023 19:13

They only ever get worse.

Livinginanotherworld · 30/11/2023 19:16

You can do better, they don’t change believe you me, they just start humouring you. Then they slip again…..and again.

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 30/11/2023 19:40

As someone who is in the process of waiting for my decree absolute - no

we we’re together for over 19 years and it was a constant yo yo of being good for a short while and then long periods of bad.

if he admits he has an issue and is willing to go to therapy you might have a chance but in reality you might be waiting for something that isn’t going to happen

sorry

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 30/11/2023 19:42

I would leave before you end up having any children

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 30/11/2023 19:43

Even if he managed to improve his behaviour specifically towards you, why on earth would you want to remain in a relationship with a man who is generally short-tempered, unkind and opinionated? That is his personality you're describing. He's not going to magically change it now.

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 30/11/2023 19:45

I’ve just read he doesn’t acknowledge it

I wish I was aware that his behaviour towards me was EA but I was so naive

I think you know what you need to do

in a years time you will be so glad that you did

Treacletoots · 30/11/2023 19:45

My exH was EXACTLY the same.

When I finally kicked him out he'd come back every few days begging me to take him back because of how shit HE was feeling, how it was as stressing HIM out and so on.

He never did ask me how I was, but the answer was, fucking wonderful since I got rid of that selfish twat.

They don't change. There's plenty of other men out there, or even being single is ultimately far better than being stuck with someone who treats you like shit.

IVFgothope · 30/11/2023 19:45

No, they usually get worse after a period of pretending to be better.

I know it's easier said than done but strongly recommend to leave asap. The longer you stay the harder it gets.

You're worthy of a healthy relationship.