Can emotionally abusive relationship ever change?

[Afterglow12]

Exactly as it says really. My partner has been emotionally abusive I think for a while - controlling and critical about everyday things, gaslighting when things brought up and has thrown things/ punched walls a few times (though not for a while). Above this I have a bit of an issue with his values on life - I don't think he is kind and is just a bit of a short tempered, opinionated person. I'm only gaining clarity on the situation after counselling this year as I didn't know it was abusive due to the amount of gaslighting and thinking I was the problem.

So I'm at the point where I have voiced my desire to end things but he really wants us to try and for both of us to work to make each other happy. In fairness he has been miles better since I voiced things and I don't always communicate well as I find it difficult to share my feelings with him and let it all build up. He's trying to be more thoughtful towards me and pull his weight around our flat. But AIBU to not really want to give him another chance? Now I'm not saying I am perfect as I have my own things to work on. I just fear things will revert back and I'm getting to an age where I need to think long term for kids etc.

TIA for any advice.

Throwing things and punching walls isn't just emotional abuse either. It's intimidating and threatening and intended to make you physically fear him. Do yourself a huge favour and walk away. In fact, run, don't walk. He won't change and there's nothing you can say or do that will make the slightest difference. You owe this abusive piece of crap nothing.

No, it just gets worse. Being better for a bit is part of the cycle. And, in my experience at least, throwing things and punching walls progresses to shoves and threats. Just leave.

Get out while you can OP.
I didn't, now its 30 years down the line and I'm stuck and miserable.

Thanks for all these responses, I hadn't realised anyone else had posted and I really needed all of those.
I've been sat upset wondering if I'm maybe the problem because I'm never happy and just want to be a victim. These are the thoughts that keep me here as I feel like maybe I've been toxic to him and things could change but I know I'm just.kidding myself as these are things he has planted into my head. I just need to do it and work on building myself a happy life rather than blaming myself.

@Afterglow12 Read everything you can about gaslighting. It literally alters your brain chemistry and makes you doubt your reality. You KNOW he's abusive and toxic and you KNOW you're flogging a dead horse but he's manipulated you to such an extent that you barely know which way is up. I'm so sorry that you've experienced this kind of abuse. It's absolutely awful and really can destroy you....which is why it's so important to get out asap before even more damage is done to you.

@Ebokebok thank you I really appreciate the advice and you're right, deep down I know it's not me that's the problem.

If you have no kids then run!

My DH changed because he did acknowledge his behaviour and has stopped the main thing that was the issue, which was blaming me for anything that went wrong, not talking to me for 3 weeks at a time and glaring at me with hatred.

It was quite an isolated set of behaviours though, rather than insults and gaslighting.

I think in your situation you should leave, get counselling and then meet someone lovely!

OP, please do not have children with him. He will revert back and become alot worse when you have kids as you’re more vulnerable and locked in. If this happens, you will then have to watch your kids witness and be affected by his behaviour.

And even this period of "niceness" will be used against you in due course... "I fucking do everything you ask and help with the washing up and don't hmshout and you are never happy". Like these basic things are huge chores and massive concessions from him.

Please go now before you areso entangled you can't.

Well, they can change

But, usually they don't, because deep down ,they don't really want to. This book might help you https://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

Remember, domestic abuse is always a choice. Does he shout at his boss? Throw things at his Mum? Thought not. So, he can control his temper when he wants to

@SavBlancTonight completely agree as I feel when I come to end things now it will be but I've done everything you wanted. I'm too scared to stay and live my life this way so I need to.

Yes. They can get much worse. Best change you can make is to end it.

Wait, he has PUNCHED YOU in the past and he thinks you 'both need to work on making each other happy'?

No. This man will not changed.

Surely you can see that this is just more of his gaslighting?

@ManateeFair no he's never hit me, he punched a wall several times

@NeedToChangeName never thought about that as he can control his reactions to others in his life usually and chooses not to do the same for me. Though he does get road rage and shout at strangers for that so not always in control.

He's totally in control when he chooses to shout at strangers

It's a choice

I repeat again, it's a choice when he's abusive towards you