to want to talk more

[sufork]

I try to communicate with DH about what's going on in the family/home, I feel he rarely does the same and expects me just to know things and/or read his mind. When I've brought this up, he says the communication from me to him is optional/my choice and he's choosing to do something different, his solution is "you can stop too if you want".

A conversation between us often feels one way, he'll often not respond at all to the things I say. Even if I were to say something like "I've left you some dinner in the oven" or "I dropped the keys at your mother's", often he won't say thanks, he just doesn't say anything. I have always found this difficult and I think it's getting worse.

When I try to talk to DH about anything beyond the most superficial/practical thing, he usually wants to shut down the conversation as soon as possible, he'll leave the room/go upstairs and has asked that I don't "follow" him when he does so, so it usually ends the conversation before it's started. If I'm annoyed about something I might "follow" him anyway and if I do, he'll say something like "can you stop talking", "go away", or put his fingers in his ears(!). I might ask "when can we talk" or something trying to compromise between me wanting to talk and him not wanting to, but he won't usually give an answer beyond "not now" or "do we have to talk all the time" (to the most extreme response "I never want to talk about this" about something very innocuous/mundane).

Nine times out of ten if I ask "can we talk?" he'll say no. If he says yes, it tends to be confrontational, I feel I'm doing all the work on trying to build a common understanding. If I don't understand what he meant by something, he'll often refuse to clarify, either repeating exactly the same words several times or saying "work it out" / "I'm not doing all the work for you" etc. Sometimes he'll mumble and be hard to follow but if I didn't hear something, he'll just refuse to say it again "I'm not repeating myself" / "Pay attention!" and so on.

He says I'm always over-analyzing everything and wanting to talk everything to death instead of letting things go. There is a grain of truth in that. I'm someone who likes to talk through everything to get to a better understanding. He point blank refuses to engage in that. I'm starting to doubt myself, what's acceptable, what's best and what's normal? I often feel that if I didn't make the effort we'd drift apart very quickly. But I think I am quite needy. And maybe it is better to communicate less and just to leave things be? Can I/should I change?

I appreciate this message is a bit all over the place and I'm not really sure what I'm asking. I suppose as a first step, it's AIBU to want to talk more?

Or maybe a more balanced question, AIBU wanting to talk/trying to insist on talking when DH has said he doesn't want to talk?

Tbh this sounds like my teenager. What about nondomestic/ interesting convos, do you have those?

My husband does this too, drives me nuts! I've told him if he can at least respond to just saying okay so that I know he heard me.

Is this behaviour just when you want to sort out an issue through discussion? What you’ve described would drive me potty, it sounds very childish.

What do you both talk about just for fun? Is talking just when he wants to?

Neither of you is wrong, as there isn't a 'right' amount of talking, but it sounds like you are polarising. He's finding your communication style too much, and is reacting by shutting down all communication.

Has it always been like that? How long have you been together?

You sound incompatible in my opinion. My DH doesn't welcome in depth analysis of our relationship but once he gets going he'll talk about most things. In your shoes I'd tell him you can't see a future in your relationship unless communication improves. Then you can suggest counselling as a safe space to air your thoughts? It may be he's scared for no good reason, and it's just the way he's been brought up. But you can't carry on like this it sounds really stressful.

To be fair I wouldn't want someone to follow me upstairs and continue talking. Why is there so much to talk about? Maybe stop asking 'can we talk?' and just let conversation happen naturally as opposed to now where is seems like you're talking at him instead of to him. Or just stop telling him his dinner is in the oven or you've dropped keys off at his mum's, let him ask if he wants to know.

Like Mark in Peep Show says - The people who want to talk about things always win. Why can't the people who don't want to talk about things win?

twitter.com/PeepShowQOTD/status/440932699248005120

Doesn't even say thanks when you do something for him. He's an arse. The rest is just incompatibility.

I'm with him, sorry! I like a bit of peace and quiet, and would find the constant 'can we talk' more and more annoying. There is no need to be glued to one another's hips. For example you probably don't need to update him on dropping the keys off and so on. When you live with someone, having a bit of space to breathe is important.

It sounds like you're not very compatible, has it always been like this? Is this something you want to be putting up with in future?

It's rude to not acknowledge things you have done for him. That would piss me off. He doesn't sound very interested in you or family life. Perhaps he should go and live by himself. In a monastery.

Stop trying to talk to him and see if he likes silence better. He sounds bloody rude imo

He sounds rude and immature.

Is he like this about all thugs or just domestic stuff. Do you sit and talk about films or music. Do you talk about how your days been? Can you talk to him when you are struggling?

Do you have or plan to have children together? Because communication is very necessary then.

The way you describe it it sounds like he doesn't like you very much. I couldn't be with someone who refused to communicate with me and shut down conversations

This relationship sounds unbearable @sufork. The two of you do sound incompatible in your communication styles but he also sounds contemptuous and dismissive of you.

This ⬇️

he says the communication from me to him is optional/my choice and he's choosing to do something different, his solution is "you can stop too if you want".

approach to communication in family life really doesn't work unless you are both able to absorb information through osmosis.

You mention "family" but not specifically children in your relationship. If you do have children, how does he communicate with them?

I wonder what would happen if you just dropped the rope and stopped communicating with him or involving him doing anything further for him as part of "family" - how would he react, or "communicate" with you? 🌹

He is not treating you like a human being. He would not treat anyone else like this, can you imagine him doing it with someone else in a social or work setting? If yes, then he has serious problems. If no, then he has no respect for you as a person and you should start thinking about leaving the relationship, or working out how you are going to live like this for the rest of your life.

It’s difficult to know whether you’re being unreasonable to want to talk more, without knowing what each of you are like and what you actually want to talk about that he doesn’t. Some people are just life’s overanalysers who want to dissect their own feelings and point of view over and over - and that gets tiresome pretty quickly, because that’s not a conversation, that’s just using somebody else as a sounding board.

I remember when a guy I was dating years ago got all upset and said “you never want us to talk to each other about our feelings, and I want to know what’s inside your head and heart and tell you all about mine.” And I just thought, why would we talk about my feelings? I’m happy and content and find my life deeply interesting and fulfilling 98.5% of the time. I take situations as they come at me and I don’t worry about the future or stress about things I can’t control. I don’t have any “feelings” or anything “in my heart” to talk to with anyone about beyond that. I don’t have hidden fathoms of mysterious emotional depth. And honestly, I’ve no real interest in hearing other people witter on about theirs. I generally think people should find a therapist, if they need to talk about themselves so much to understand things. I don’t think DH and I have ever had a real deep and meaningful about emotions or feelz tbh, so I suspect we’re similar in this regard.

And it sounds like there’s a bit of that going on in your relationship. You’re desperate to talk about things in which he doesn’t really have anything to input because your DH simply isn’t somebody who derives an “emotional connection” from deep and meaningfuls about his inner self and doesn’t need to talk about things constantly to gain a better understanding. A lot of people seem to think that a good relationship is one where there’s always something emotional and intense going on and forget that actually, the best and kind of relationship with the greatest depth is the one where you’re just at ease with each other.

Considering the other responses, perhaps you are just incompatible. If he doesn’t want to talk in general, I wonder how you got together.

Excellent conversation would be a dealbreaker for me in the early stages of a relationship. DP and I are the opposite of @ComtesseDeSpair and her DH, we both wanted someone to sit up till 2 in the morning with a bottle of wine discussing life, the universe, our ideas and everything in between.

If your DP isn’t that person and you are, you must be incredibly frustrated—not to mention bored! I’d be reconsidering the relationship full stop.

Next time you've left his dinner in the oven or taken keys to his mother's - don't tell him. In fact, if you stopped doing things for him like that, you won't need to tell him you've done them. You need to go on strike.

He is beyond rude. A total stranger would be more polite than he is towards you.

If he's said you could choose to stop talking, then stop. Don't bother telling him you aren't going to do his laundry or cook his meals any more. Don't pass on messages, don't impart information, just don't talk to him for a week and see how he likes it. If there is something vital he absolutely HAS to know about, write it on a post-it note or text it to him. Don't bother waiting for a response.

After a week, you will be able to decide whether you can tolerate living with him any more or not.

I agree. Each task you do he doesn't thank you for, don't do it again. Maybe keep a little tally on the wall for fun.

Sounds like my brother, who is on the spectrum. I try not to diagnose on here but...

It sounds like your need to talk is overwhelming him. I feel like this sometimes and want to just get away.

I have no idea what the answer is but sometimes I have to hide away somewhere until I feel like I can go back and “take it”.

DH uses 10 sentences to convey the same information I do in one. I'd rather he talked less, he'd like me to talk more. I don't tell him to shut up, but sometimes he wears me down. If he started following me around talking at me I'd be seriously annoyed.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate every message and it helps to hear from people who are similar to him too.

To respond to the questions:

calyxx we do have interesting/non-deomestic convos at times. You're right MrsHP, they do tend to be when he wants to and they can be great at times but most of the time he doesn't really want to have those kinds of (or any) conversation.

CathdeB, it hasn't always been like this but has become increasingly like this over the years, we've been together coming up to ten years.

Galectable, I've tried to bring up couples counselling so many times that I'm not allowed to bring it up anymore! He doesn't want to know.

Thanks RachelSTG and GoodVibesHere, will try to remember your comments.

Good questions desperatemum24 - this is mostly domestic stuff. We do sit and talk about films/music, though it's quite sporadic, and it does feel like I have to tread carefully as he can think I'm being nosey if I ask too much, even if it's about what he was watching on TV tonight. We do ask each other how our days have been and I'll usually say quite a lot, and he will listen to what I have to say tbf. When I ask him the same, the answer is usually "fine" and no more detail than that, and it sometimes feels like a defensive "fine", like "why wouldn't it be fine". When I'm struggling, I don't really feel he's able to be there for me as I'd like, especially during something like a bereavement, although at times like that he'll show he cares in a more practical way. We've just had our first DD and I think the stress from taht and the need for communication you're talking about is something that's really highlighted this issue.

Shoxfordian, as I said it hasn't always been this bad although looking back I think the signs were there. And it's not really sustainable into the future unless something changes.

002, our DD is too young for it to really mean anything but he's completely different with her and does communicate.

Unabletomitigate, no I can't imagine him doing this with anyone else and I have said that to him.

ComtesseDeSpair, fair comments. I've had therapy but more is probably in order. I think another part of the problem is I don't have the conversations with friends that I used to, my social circle has shrunk a lot over the years - he took a dislike to some of my friends and we drifted apart. I know this isn't good.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. Incompatability has come through loud and clear! I don't really disagree but we are where we are... I should say things aren't always as bad as I may have suggested. And I do want to try and make things work better in the short/medium term at least. I think it would have to be mainly me that changes, but I know that would ask a lot of me...

Sounds like you are too focused on your relationship. Do you have friends, interests or a job?basically find something else to do and someone else to talk to. In my experience men are not keen on talking, especially after work or when they are watching TV etc. Seriously consider not talking much for a while. He may even notice the difference and start initiating conversations. It's how I've coped with my husband.

he took a dislike to some of my friends and we drifted apart. I know this isn't good.

That's a real worry. My dad is boring, my mum's exciting and she had even more exciting friends. Dad would sigh and chuckle and support her friendships. That's a good man. Shrinking your world down to just him then sticking his fingers in his ears is really really bad. Probably worse than you want to admit.