My boyfriend goes on Facebook and Instagram, but doesn’t reply to my messages

[Goldbracelet24]

I noticed this a few days ago. I usually message him on WhatsApp. I was on Instagram and noticed he’d been on after I sent the message.

We see eachother once or twice a week. Now a days I notice his texts are getting further and further apart. I don’t think I text him too much- maybe a handful of small ones day when we aren’t together.

I sent him a message a few hours ago and just noticed he’s been on Facebook not long ago.

In person he’s attentive but I can’t help but feel abit down about this. Am I being petty?

I think the fact that you are checking when he has been on insta and Facebook are the problem. If you're doing that, you must know that's a problem.

You only see eachother twice a week, he doesn’t reply to you and you are checking up on his social media checking when it’s online. Doesn’t sound like a great relationship does it?

I hate this thing now where people seem to expect instant responses to text messages. The whole point of a text, instead of a phone call, is that you can reply at your own convenience.

I would hate having someone text me several times a day and expecting instant responses. Honestly, it would put me off being in a relationship with them.

You're obviously taking it personally, but perhaps he just has a different view about how text communication should work?

I don't think you're being unreasonable. He's telling you what his priorities are, and unfortunately it's not you.

I could not abide someone monitoring my internet usage like this.

I would back right off, I know it’s hard and try not to look at when he has been online etc. Don’t text him at all and see what happens. You don’t want to end up getting strung along.

Honestly, you know the answer. He just isn't that invested in a relationship with you. You see him once or twice a week and he isn't bothered about interaction outside of that. It depends what you are after yourself, but if you are wanting a more committed relationship I'd step away now.

Are you 6?

Just by your reply, I'm guessing you're around 18?

You sound like how I might have been at that age when I was in love... not getting s reply, panicking, checking social media to see if they've been online or the tick thing on WhatsApp...

That aside, I think someone in love would reply with more urgency/enthusiasm. He might just be insanely busy, but everyone has time at lunch or at night before bed. I think he has other priorities...

The thing is, I know that at certain times, like in the evening, if I message him that he won’t be doing much but it still happens. He’s always on his phone too so it just hurts

Have you shared these feelings with him?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I wonder if you’re checking because something is “off” with his communication anyway. Does he every initiate chat? Ever message you first? Ask questions in texts, what you’re up to? How you are?
if he isn’t, he isn’t prioritising you. And that’s what this is about, not when he is online. He’s choosing to spend his time elsewhere (e.g on insta). Pull back like pp said, and he will show you what he wants.

Sounds like you want more than he does from this
Just because he's not doing anything doesn't mean he wants to text. He might just want to mindlessly scroll or watch videos and switch off

If I was dating a man who was monitoring how often I was on Facebook and Instagram and expected immediate answers to multiple texts a day, I’d end the relationship. Way too needy for me.

If I’ve got something important or funny or interesting to share with a partner, I’ll message them. I don’t send ‘a handful’ of messages every day just for the sake of sending them, and I find it a bit irritating to get ‘Hi, how r u?’ texts from other people. I don’t reply to messages immediately unless a) it’s required or b) I’m not doing something else. If I’m on my phone phone reading news or playing a game or scrolling through Instagram or something, and a WhatsApp message pops up, I don’t immediately read or answer it because it isn’t bloody necessary and I won’t have my time governed by someone else’s demand. You don’t need immediate attention all the time. You’re not five.

I see that some PPs think this means I’m not committed or invested in my relationship. I’ve been with my DP for 20 years now and I adore him, so nothing could be further from the truth.

This.

It's up to you whether you're happy with the level of communication between the two of you.

The fact that you keep checking when he's been online is worrying behaviour and is a bad sign.

I think your vigilance has paid off tbh.

You deserve better.

My partner will text me from the livingroom and I take ages to reply 🤣 doesn't mean anything just sometimes I get lost in doing something and forget

Stop monitoring him and do your own thing, keep busy and when he does text you, take your time texting him back.
If he’s really into you he’ll make an effort … might even come visit you. If not then I’d move on. Why strive to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you? Doesn’t that give you the ick ? Is he worth stressing over ?
Part of the attraction with relationships is being with someone who actually wants to be with you, surely ?
Otherwise it’s a waste of time.

This sort of thing is why I don’t use social media apart from WhatsApp, and have my ‘online’ and ‘last online’ status off …. That way I don’t get hung up on when people last checked their messages and whether they did/didn’t reply at the time. Equally it means no one can subject me to that scrutiny &
it takes the pressure off.

With my DP, we text regularly but there’s no expectation for swiftness of reply.

This. Absolutely this. Yanbu

It's not about expecting immediate answers. You might be busy for 8 hours. Fair enough. But if you get 30 mins spare time after that then what is more important. Posting inane shit on Facebook or replying to those closest to you?

If you’re only seeing each other twice a week then it doesn’t sound like a particularly close relationship so ‘a handful’ of small texts on the other five days a week does sound like quite a lot. If he’s not a big texter he might feel quite overwhelmed and irritated at his phone regularly pinging with messages from you that don’t really say anything. If you tell him you’ve noticed he’s on line but he hasn’t replied to you, I’m 99% sure you’ll be single again before Christmas.

You’ve noticed longer gaps between him contacting you, so something you’re doing is obviously not working for him. Why don’t you try backing off a bit and giving him a chance to miss you? If you carry on as you are, he’s only going to get more and more irritated.

Either that, or find someone who has the same style of communication as you.

How on earth did people have relationships before social media?, the op makes you sound about 12

Seriously mature first then start dating

Thing is.....it sounds childish, but actually there is a serious point to this

Because we can now see when the people we're chatting to are online, we can also see their priorities and choices

Your bloke is choosing to be online and leave your messages unread/un replied to

You can therefore extrapolate from that, that replying to you is not as important to him as whatever else he's doing online

If that ^ matters to you - ie if youd rather he chose to reply to you before he does his other online stuff, then he might not be the bloke for you

You might find that he's choosing not to reply to you quickly, because he thinks you send him too many messages and if he replies, he thinks you'll then send him yet another message

Who knows?