What do I do?

[Worriedmumofteeenagers]

Longstanding member. Changed username for this. My oldest son is 18. What would you do if your 18 year old son still at 6th form was acting in the way the very opposite to his upbringing and our way of life.

Think jewish family with relatives in Israel and he says he supports the Palestinian people (which is fine) and against the Israelis and they deserved 7th October and were mostly soldiers anyway. Who goes on and on about Israel doesn't have the right to exist and they stole it 75 years ago. Wants to go on propalistinian marches and sees nothing wrong with the chant from the rivers to the sea. Who denies its the Jewish homeland and talks the polar opposite to his family and upbringing. More than that talks down and critisizes others for not sharing his views and just goes on and on and on and on night after night making every around him feel miserable and treading on egg shells. Its such a sensitive subject I realise that. I rejoice in the temporary ceasefire but even now he hasn't stopped. I love him but I can't continue like this. Everyone in the family is under instructions not to mention the war but even so he will still bring it up over and over again

Who is he hanging out with and does he exhibit any other worrying traits like abandoning old friendships, isolating himself from family, engaging with conspiracy theories? If not, this may be just the case of a young person discovering a political cause they are passionate about while not having enough frontal lobe development to consider impact of his behaviour on others (I myself went through something similar in the 90s with the whole Yugoslavia/America thing). If yes, he may have been radicalised and you might need to alert his school or ring NSPCC helpline for support.
My standard response to my kid when she brings the same thing over and over again "You brought it up yesterday. We talked about it. I hear and respect your point of view. I have a different point of view and I explained the reasons for it. We agreed to disagree. You repeating what you said yesterday is not going to change my point of view. If you want me to respect it, you have to learn to respect mine. Until then, we are not going to bring this up again. Would you like some more potatoes?" Rinse and repeat.

So do you mean he is challenging Zionism rather than his faith?

Honestly I would ignore him. Just say neutral things like “we’re all entitled to hold different opinions”

If he really won’t shut up, tell him he’s boring you and to change the subject. You don’t have to listen to him droning on and on, it’s a form of bullying. Can you just leave the room? Hopefully it’s just a phase.

Yes calls Israel an apartheid state. Taking part in some sort of boycott. Says he hates zionists except us calls them evil and like nazis very upsetting things

Yeah, this must be very hard for you. But he is allowed to hold different political and religious views to yours. I understand why you find it upsetting, but you and your family are presumably vocal about your own opinions on the conflict and on the meaning of Israel to Judaism, so I would say he is equally entitled to his. Ultimately, of course this is hurtful to you, but he does have the right to be a different person to the one you want him to be.

He shouldn't be being obnoxious or deliberately provocative about it, though. If he has spent his whole life hearing your family's views on this, then you can't reasonably just ask him to be entirely silent on the matter, but he shouldn't be actively bringing this up in order to start an argument (and neither should anyone else in the family).

Again - I totally understand why this is so upsetting for you, because to you it feels like a rejection of his culture and heritage. All I can say is that teenagers and young adults often are very uncompromising and black-and-white on political and ethical matters, and that this usually softens as they get older, so I hope that even if you don't ever come to an agreement on what the answer to the Middle East situation should be, he will at least become more reasonable and measured and pleasant about it.

He ordered a t-shirt which is green and has the Palestinian flag on it and says in Arabic you'll never walk alone. Apparently the proceeds go to the west bank

We are not talking about it at all. Ds1 still finds ways to bring it up though

And what is your issue with it?
You said earlier on that it is fine for him to support Palestinians but with your very reply it seems like it very much isn't fine.
I thought the issue was with him bringing it up in every conversation but maybe the issue is that you feel personally attacked and are not prepared to see his point of view which is a much different and more problematic scenario.

He is 18, there isn't much you can do.

Other than ramming it down people's throat he isn't being unreasonable in holding a view that is opposite to your own. Presumably you have raised him to have independent thought etc.

That said, being insulting of other people's values and faitha is not acceptable.

I would raise it in an "you are entitled to your opinions, but so are we. We don't have to agree but we do have to respect the views of others"

Teenager rebelling against his upbringing . Most will do it in some way or another .
id just ignore him as much as possible when he starts ranting

Its the going on and on at us night after night that's getting to me so much. And the anger at us aswell

Sorry just giving examples I suppose no issue with it. The issue was the excuse it gave him to start ranting and raving at us again. The subject was bought up this way iyswim?

Maybe he’s realized how extraordinarily harmful the nationalistic Zionist movement is and no longer wishes to have anything to do with it.

He is 18. He is allowed to form is own political views and they can indeed be different to his parents and family, especially when his family seem to support such a harmful political movement.

Here’s the thing though. We don’t have to respect other people’s views. I don’t respect people with misogynistic views, or racist views, or the views of those who think abortion is a sin, or who think animal torture is fine.

We also shouldn’t be teaching future generations that we should respect other people’s views even when they’re abhorrent.

You tell him that he can have his opinions but you arent going to discuss the topic under your roof any more. Its your house and your rules. Any time he brings it up, shut the conversation down immediately. If he refuses to stop ranting, then implement consequences (turn off the wifi etc) just like if he broke any other house rules

I agree with this. Taking out the topic that is causing the issue as that is arguably irrelevant on some level, he is an adult living in your house and he needs to respect that. If he’s behaving in any way that is upsetting, distressing etc and won’t moderate his behaviour, you would treat it as any other breach of what you find a acceptable.

Set the boundary as others have said and when he starts on it again start singing and dancing or put your headphones on.

At its root this is about addressing a behaviour (talking over you when you've set a boundary) rather than the topic. All kids think they know it all.

Whilst I agree in the fact that we don't have to respect the person or opinio, I respect the fundamental right for someone to hold opposing opinions to mine, even if they are abhorrent.

You do have to respect their right to have them however. As I said you don't have to agree with them, but we lice in a democratic society with freedom of belief, therefore you do have to respect that they are entitled to those beliefs and opinions.

Thanks to everyone who has been kind on this post. Wanting ALL who live in the region to be able to live in peace without fear of attacks and kidnapping is not abhorrent. I am sorry that you think it is neonsoda 😕

Without wishing to seem to trivialise this, imagine he's constantly banging on about veganism. Lecturing and posturing over every meal and trying to rile the family up for an argument about eating meat every night.

What would you do to shut him up?

Do the same thing for this.

I think the sensitivity of the subject is, understandably, clouding your basic parenting instincts.

Great advice. Thank you. So far so good this evening

His view isn't unreasonable but of course he's being unreasonable to keep bringing it up when you feel so differently.

I would focus on explaining how this is affecting family relationships. Perhaps there's a group he could join where he can express himself.

He may be struggling with the atrocities happening in Gaza and genuinely having a bit of an identity crisis.

Does he realise children were killed during the Hamas attacks on Israel? Because if he thinks children could possible have done anything to deserve being murdered then he's an utter shit.

To be honest I struggle with the atrocities. I believe that the need for justice went too far and I felt they should stop and pause the fighting I am pleased its paused. I have told him this. I also don't believe Israel are always right in everything. I have told him this too. But his response was they are never right in anything and shouldn't even exist as a country because they stole land. And comparing them to nazis to my mind is just too far. I want Israel and all the peoples of the middle east to be able to live in peace. Israeli and Palestinian. Jews and Arabs

What country does he expect Jews to live in the Middle East without serious risk of persecution? Anyway.
He is rebelling against you all which may be a normal part of growing up and separating. I think you have to basically remain neural and not rise to the bait. His view is oversimplified and immature but there’s no point arguing. It may not really be about Israel more about reacting against his family.