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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think that my sister is the golden girl, where my parents are cocerned?

53 replies

Overrun · 13/03/2008 12:01

I could bore you with a never ending list of incidents where I felt she was favoured over me, not that I keep count you understand

The lastest ones are as follows:

My Dad got a brand new BMW company car last year, and he is due to retire next year and needs to get another one before he does. So he wants buy the original one for his retirement as it is top spec and just drive the new one until he retires. The other day my sister mentions that he is signing over the car to her and her partner for a year as he can't keep three cars on his drive. They will have two cars between them as they are keeping their own car. They also don't have off road parking where they live.

I am a bit pissed off that I wasn't even considered for this, as I have to admit there is a shallow part of me that would have enjoyed driving a BMW occasionally when we didn't have the dcs with us. We have a big drive by the way, which would easily fit 3 cars onto it.

Incident no 2:

I phoned my Mum today to see what their Easter plans were, you know, did they want to come to us, or meet up. But no, they are going away for a long weekend with my sister and her partner.

AIBU to feel a bit put out, that these things are just decided without me ever seeming to be make the running in terms of being considered?

OP posts:

Original poster

Overrun · 14/03/2008 09:29

Well its not really about the car is it?

OP posts:

SauerKraut · 14/03/2008 09:34

It definitely does not sound as if it's just about the car. Could you approach them about their favouritism and explain that you're upset and how things seem to you? Often people don't get it until it's spelled out to them.

Original poster

Overrun · 14/03/2008 09:37

Sauerkraut - it has been discussed in the past but always denied by them, so it never gets any further. I don't really want to try and sort it out, as I think there is no point.
I know it would be the grown up thing to do, but thats not how my family works

I've had my whinge and got some interesting feed back and lots of sympathy so I'm good

OP posts:

ghosty · 14/03/2008 09:38

Although I see why you may be upset I just wanted to add something ...
Every story has more than one side. Perhaps there is more to it than favouritism? Maybe the sister with the 5bed house and the high powered job has financial issues that she needs helping with but you don't know what they are as she hasn't discussed them with you? I know that wasn't the OP's sister but I wanted to make the point that what you see from your point of view may not be the whole story IYSWIM? Just how you view it and how it makes YOU feel ....

Also, I am a younger sister ... I don't feel favoured by my parents but I have been told umpteen times by my sister that I am/have and it has always really upset me as I don't see where she gets it from. Jealousy is a very destructive feeling ...

SauerKraut · 14/03/2008 09:42

Bummer. That's hard. Glad you're feeling better about it though.

purpleduck · 14/03/2008 09:47

My parents always showed favourites as well, but it has changed alot (there are 5 of us)

However, since my parents were not all that nurturing (to put it mildly ) it's just part and parcel.

I try to encourage the relationship between my 2 - I think their relationship with each other is very important, and I find myself doing sneaky little things to cement their relationship.

Families!!

Mine's in Canada, so I don't have to put up with them too much!!!

wiggleit · 14/03/2008 16:00

Overrun - I'm totally with you on this, the parental bond is so strong and i don't think you ever get rid if that feeling of wanting their approval. I certainly haven't. My DH is always on at me for that coz i'm constantly aware of having to do more or whatever just to get Dad's ok. It's not healthy. I used to spend a lot of time crying over situations but now i just get mad. It was funny what you said about your sis always appearing more on photo's, my sister appears more on my wedding photo's than i do on the ones on Dad's film!! No word of a lie. My DH couldn't believe it when we looked through my Dad's lot. Hilarious! ....But sad.

Mildmanneredjaniter - I have to say i think you should add 'not so' in front of your name coz you don't sound that mild mannered to me!! But you are right in a way, fuck 'em! Wish it was that easy.

Original poster

Overrun · 14/03/2008 16:09

I knew I wasn't alone Wiggleit I am gobsmacked by your story of the your wedding photos. Mind you I had something similar for my 30th. It wasn't that I was obsessively counting the photos its just that they were two of me both with other people. One of whom was her lol And probably about a dozen of her So on second thoughts I can believe it

OP posts:

wiggleit · 14/03/2008 16:17

You are def not alone Overrun. I've struggled with these feelings for years. I have had it out with my Dad too, on several occasions. He did admit to favouring my sister years ago but says now he thinks the same about both of us, but it isn't coming across that way. It is made worse by the fact my Mum died 14years ago and i was close to her and she kinda made up for how Dad was with me but now i have nothing..except my DH who is very supportive and can see things from the outside. At the end of the day, he and our DD are my family and my priority is them. xx

Original poster

Overrun · 14/03/2008 16:21

Thats sad about your Mum dying, esp as you were closer to her I expect it is easier then people admit for parents to have favourites, it doesn't make it any easier to be the non favourite though

OP posts:

wiggleit · 14/03/2008 17:15

Thanx Overrun, I only had it out with my Dad last week (again!) and he denied any feelings of favouritism but from where we stand it looks like she is still his favourite. It will be interesting to see later in the year when she gets married. My Dad and step-mum didn't get me a wedding present, so i'm just waiting to see what she gets. (we have both been married before) Then the poo will hit the fan!! xx

widgypog · 15/03/2008 10:51

Is your sister a bit of a drifter, cause I have realised in my life that parents always favour the underdog. If you are self sufficient and happy and under control of the money you have and dont overspend etc, the sibling that does all these will get favoured, tis the way it is I am afraid.

My sis is fab but a bit of a mess in some respects , she always gets stuff given to her. TBH I would much rather have my life than hers so I dont mind . On the other hand my SIL is useless with money despite her husbnad being paid quite a lot cash in hand and she is always favoured so I guess you just have to get over it...good luck

Hope I dont sound too bitter cause I am not really

wiggleit · 15/03/2008 12:08

Hi widgypog, no you don't sound bitter at all, you sound like you are quite ok about things actually. I'm kind of at the stage where i feel like just not bothering with any of them and that is sad. I'll get over it i suppose but just feel like giving up on it all. Sick of trying to feel accepted.

widgypog · 15/03/2008 17:36

oh glad I dont !! I am fine with my family but my DH cant get on with his sister. She lives in a council flat and moans she cant move but her husband just pisses all their money away in the pub. THEN she goes to his Mum and gets money cause she says she hasnt got any.

They think we are millionaires cause we live within our means. Like I say I am fine with it cause I would much rather be me than them and have my DH rather than theirs.

I had a huge row with my mum cause they bought my sister a flat and then when she met her partner she sold it and gave back the money (as agreed) but was allowed to keep the equity(12,000) and I felt I should have been offered the same amount as now she has a partner earning similar to my DH. I actually didnt want the money I just felt I should have been considered. My mums point of view is that it is her money bla bla. I actually again agree with this but I STRONGLY feel children should be treated EXACTLY the same regardless of what they have or what life choices they make good or bad.

ok rant over!!

wiggleit · 15/03/2008 17:49

Go widgypog, rant all you like, get it off your chest, that's what we're here for! . I agree about children being treated the same no matter what their circumstances.. or at least given the chance to refuse help or whatever. With my family it's all so secretive and i always feel left out. My Dad would move heaven and earth for my sister, but not for me. I once lived opposite my Dad when i rented a house after splitting up with xh and was there for 2 years, never once did my Dad or step-mum set foot in that house, also one xmas while living there i had really bad flu, proper flu, and not once did i get a visit or even a phone call to see if i was ok or needed anything, yet darling sis has a migraine one day, lives half hour away, is married at the time and dear Father rushes over there to see her!! That hurts. That is just one of a number of examples i can give you of their special bond. Gosh, i do sound a bit bitter there, don't i!! Sod it, i AM bitter!!

ally90 · 15/03/2008 17:55

No yanbu. And yes this is obviously more than being about a car or a holiday. If you want to pop across to the stately homes thread, please do! Its not all about divorcing parents...just support for those times when things like this happen and you start to wonder AIBU? When actually your not...and everyone understands what you mean cause we have families just like this too and understand all the undercurrents to seeminly 'innocent' things...

Glad your okay tho, these things can get some of us down at the best of times.

widgypog · 15/03/2008 18:08

wiggleit.. it seems you have reason to be bitter. I actually felt better after telling my mum how I felt but it did fall on deaf ears. She just couldnt understand why I felt agreived. i guess the thing to do is make sure you treat your children the same. I only have one so wont be too tricky for me!!

georgiemama · 15/03/2008 18:58

Overrun,does your sister have children - I am thinking not if your parent's weekends with her are boozy rather than child friendly.

Could it not be that your parents feel the need to compensate for things that are missing from your sister's life ie children, by giving her stuff and making out that your family isn't that big a deal?

For all you know, she may be crying to your mum after a few glasses of wine that its not fair and she wishes she had your life. May seem unlikely but potentially true.

wiggleit · 15/03/2008 20:49

widyypog - I have only one child too so not too tricky for me either! I always wanted to be an only child as a kid. I did feel better for talking to my Dad too but probably like you it fell on deaf ears. I've actually just been on the phone to my sis...a rarety!(only because our DD is bridesmaid at her wedding) Have also had a few words with her too about the whole situation, she reckons i'm too sensitive and it's not how it is, but i'm not convinced! Feel like there's a conspiracy! Maybe they have a point and i am paranoid!aarrrghhh! they are getting to me!! xx

nellyraggbagg · 15/03/2008 21:02

My father has always preferred my younger sister to me. He has always shown his approval or disapproval by giving and withholding money and gifts - meaning that she has always had far more than her 'share'. He has really disapproved of every choice I've made in life since I was about 11, and has approved of all my sister's choices. She even works with him!!

It really used to get to me - I have shed many tears over his preference of her. She has been given a convertible Mercedes, and he even sold her a house at a great discount (she has a very good job, and lives with her partner, who's a consultant - so he's certainly not helping out a feckless child!) It's not the possessions that have bothered me, though: it's what they signify.

However, I have gradually come to terms with the fact that they have complementary personalities, and that's just the way it is. I have always got on well with my mum, and I think she and I just 'gel'. Plus having children has convinced me that my mother loves us both the same, simply because we're both her children - and that is greatly reassuring. If I look at my sister's life, I do slightly envy her the gifts (and their significance). However, she doesn't have children - and I would rather have my life than any childless life in the world. It would be nice to have paternal approval as well, but hey ho!

I think having children has just sort of made it all seem so much less important. Does that make any sense?

wiggleit · 15/03/2008 21:11

Nelly - i agree with you about it's not specifically the gifts but what they signify. I was very close to my Mum which kinda made up for the lack of love i felt from my Dad, but my Mum sadly died 14yrs ago and ever since then have realy felt it. My sis and Dad have always had a really close relationship and i felt so alone when Mum died...have done ever since. xx

squimlet · 15/03/2008 21:12

overrun i feel for you. its not nice and tbh i would imagine that your parents are unaware that they are doing anything to hurt you.
although i know its not easy to take a deep breath and step away from it, it might be best. I know I have to at times otherwise I would be in tears a lot.

do what I do and wallow in the joy or of your own children and know that everyone else is missing out. That and stick your tongue out and blow raspberries

wiggleit · 15/03/2008 21:44

Squimlet - sticking your tongue out and blowing raspberries always works for me! x

Original poster

Overrun · 17/03/2008 10:51

Thanks again for your thoughts. I think most of the time this is very much on the back burner for me, so I like to think that I have found some equilibrium about it all. But there are moments when you think "what is wrong with me?"
Not to try and answer individual questions and posts:

Widgypog, the exact opposite actually she is very with it.
Ally90, I will pop over and take a look at that thread, thanks for the invitation.

Georgiemamma - I think my sister is sad about not having dcs, as she wanted to try earlier but her dp not so keen, they are trying now though. My parents love to drink, and although my mum at least enjoys spending time with her grandchildren, Dad like to have adult only weekends. So that is part of it. We will see what happens when she has dcs.

My sister is very obliging to my parents, she referees their fights, doesn't criticise them, over looks bad behaviour. So in that way I guess you could say that she has earned their favouritism. But this does mean that their really awful behaviour is never improved on, as they always feel that "J doesn't think what they did was so bad" iyswim

Sqimlet - thanks, in many ways I am better off out of it, but I worry that their disinterest in me, spills over onto my dcs

OP posts:

LieselVonTrapp · 17/03/2008 10:57

It is v. silly of them but youre better than that - rise above it

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