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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you end if if your DH/DP said they didn't care that you were upset?

35 replies

causeikeep · 29/11/2023 08:41

NC'd so it's not linked to my other threads.

Yesterday morning DH was very unkind to me before I left for work. He shouted and swore at me (out of character for him). I messaged him to smooth things over when I was at work (I know) and he apologised. I am very sensitive for context. When I got home, he was still in a mood and in the evening after the DC were in bed, I tried talking to him about it and started crying. He was sitting there stony faced, turned the tv up and said that he didn't care that I was upset as it was me that had been in a mood with him since I was home (I wasn't but I was avoiding him a bit as he was still in a foul mood) and that everything would be fine in the morning. When I went to bed he came and if I rolled near him/moved my arm to get comfy, he'd push it away so that we weren't inadvertently touching. Surprise surprise, this morning rolls around and he's still in a foul mood. I left for work crying and he just told me to stop and that it wasn't worth it. If you were me, what would you do? I have anxiety and I can't compartmentalise things like this, it will affect me all day. I tried to call him before work but he's turned his phone off. Now I get another day feeling like rubbish.

OP posts:

RandomButtons · 29/11/2023 08:43

Is he normally like this or is this totally out of the blue?

Uncooperativefingers · 29/11/2023 08:44

What started all this? Why was he unkind to you?

Tbh, I'd probably want to text him and tell gim he isn't welcome home until he is able and willing to have a grown up conversation about what has happened and resolve things properly. But it's difficult to know without wider context what us really going on

IncompleteSenten · 29/11/2023 08:44

He's being a twat. Is this really out of character for him? He's never behaved this way in your entire relationship until yesterday?

Original poster

causeikeep · 29/11/2023 08:45

@Uncooperativefingers he couldn't find something and blamed me.

OP posts:

User1343 · 29/11/2023 08:45

You’re both uncomfortable with each other right now. I’d leave it u til you’re both feeling calm and settled again and then have a conversation about the original reason for the disturbance between you.

If that leads to further conflict because it triggers you both again, a therapist could help you to talk - a third party who can keep you both calm and feel ‘heard’ by the other one.

Original poster

causeikeep · 29/11/2023 08:46

@IncompleteSenten not to this extent apart from a few times when he was very drunk but he was totally sober when it happened so I can't even say it was due to alcohol. To clarify, he doesn't get drunk regularly but has behaved that way a few times when he has.

OP posts:

RandomButtons · 29/11/2023 08:47

So he doesn’t normally behave like such a massive twat?

is there extra pressure on him at the moment in any areas of his life?

Original poster

causeikeep · 29/11/2023 08:48

@RandomButtons no, I did reply to a pp that he has some this a few times when drunk but that's not often. No pressures, he has a very easy life tbh.

OP posts:

WashItTomorrow · 29/11/2023 08:50

You need to talk, the pair of you. On the face of it, I wouldn’t end it for those reasons. He’s annoyed and angry. He probably shouldn’t have behaved in that way. A more mature response would be better. But you sound a bit needy, emotional too.

Tistheseasontobejollytrala · 29/11/2023 08:51

I would say, if you can afford it get some therapy for yourself and work on your self esteem and boundaries.
He’s being an arse because he can and you being upset is gratifying him in some way. He is deliberately upsetting you.
Failing that, drop the rope and grey rock him; it’s no fun pushing buttons if none of the lights come on.

IncompleteSenten · 29/11/2023 08:55

If he treats you like shit when he's drunk and now he's starting to not need to be drunk to treat you like shit that's an escalation.

I'd start by messaging him that you aren't his punch bag and not there for him to take his bad mood out on so he either talks to you properly and tells you what his problem is or he stays somewhere else until he's finished acting like this and is ready to talk about why he's being an arsehole.

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/11/2023 08:58

He sounds horrible. Painful to be around for anyone.

taylorswift1989 · 29/11/2023 08:58

Well What he's doing is emotional abuse.

So yes, if it were me, I'd leave him. No one deserves to be abused in their relationship and it's likely to get worse.

Is there anyone in real life you can talk to?

SwordToFlamethrower · 29/11/2023 09:00

I would not want to accept that at all. He has all the power right now, so take it away and leave him for a week.

Is there somewhere you can go? Leave a note telling him it's unacceptable to treat you so poorly and you'll be unavailable for a week so he can calm down and talk to you like a proper rational adult.

That should give him a chance to think. And you.

Depending on what he says after that, should give you your answer on whether you continue the relationship.

Hillarious · 29/11/2023 09:06

Golly, this is bonkers - advising someone to leave their partner, however briefly, because of an argument of which we have very little understanding/knowledge. Will she take the kids when she leaves?

Original poster

causeikeep · 29/11/2023 09:06

I know that I'll get flamed for this but I can't ask him to leave- it's his house, I don't co own it. I know, I know.

OP posts:

Original poster

causeikeep · 29/11/2023 09:07

@Hillarious I didn't say that I was leaving, I am just interested in what others would do.

OP posts:

FartSock5000 · 29/11/2023 09:33

@causeikeep his behaviour is unacceptable.

When we love someone, we don't deliberately harm them. He sounds abusive AF!

I'm sorry but I could never be with a partner who 'punishes' me with silent treatment, withholding affection and who got so angry over nothing at all and used that as an excuse to mentally torture me.

It's NOT you. It's him.

Why are you accepting this as love?

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 29/11/2023 09:37

He shouted and swore at me (out of character for him). I messaged him to smooth things over when I was at work (I know) and he apologised. I am very sensitive for context.

Are you sensitive or does he tell you you are?
What was the original issue? Was it something daft or deep?

Mrsttcno1 · 29/11/2023 09:43

I think there’s 2 separate issues here to address:

The actual argument/disagreement
Your reaction to it

For part 1, you both need to be calm and sit and talk together. That means he needs to be ready to speak openly and without the nasty huffy attitude, and you need to be ready to sit and have that conversation without crying. Until both of you are at that point, just give each other space.

For part 2, you need to work on this yourself. As another poster has suggested, get some therapy. You need to learn to separate one thing from the other, if DH & I had a disagreement before work like this, I wouldn’t be texting and calling him at work to try and “smooth things over”. We’re adults, we both have bad days, stressed etc, sometimes you do just snap over something stupid, or you’re wound up over 100 things and then thing 101 is so silly but is just the thing that tips you over the edge and you end up saying something a bit stupid. It’s not ideal but it happens, and when that does happen you just need a little bit of time and space to decompress. If we had a morning like that, and DH was then calling/texting me at work, I’d be more irritated. He’s going to see me at home later, we can chat about it in person when we will probably both feel more calm!

Also, as difficult as I appreciate it may be, you need to try and communicate, rather than cry. If you are still feeling too emotional to discuss calmly without the tears, then wait until you are calm enough to have the chat.

RandomButtons · 29/11/2023 10:12

causeikeep · 29/11/2023 09:07

@Hillarious I didn't say that I was leaving, I am just interested in what others would do.

What would I do? Given that this is uncharacteristic I’d let him calm down, the. Find a time where there nothing pressing (kids are in bed asleep etc) and sit down and talk with him. I’d ask if he thought his reaction was appropriate, I’d say I feel this and that about what happened and I feel like he didn’t care I was upset. You need to be careful not to accuse, just explain how you are feeling.

Talk it through with him and see what his reaction is from there. If he talks, good, you can work through stuff.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/11/2023 10:16

Op I think you need to read @Mrsttcno1 ’s reply. And then read it again. It’s very sensible.

peachgreen · 29/11/2023 10:16

causeikeep · 29/11/2023 09:06

I know that I'll get flamed for this but I can't ask him to leave- it's his house, I don't co own it. I know, I know.

He sounds unpleasant, you sound exhausting – but most importantly you need to see a solicitor and ensure you’re financially protected. Being married will help.

nutbrownhare15 · 29/11/2023 10:18

He has a lot of power here due to your reaction and your living situation. Do you think his economic power over you makes it more likely he will be nasty to you/you will accept it more/let it get to you more because the economic implications of your splitting up will be profound for you?

nutbrownhare15 · 29/11/2023 10:20

Although I can see that you are married which will give you more rights over assets within the marriage. I think seeing a solicitor is good advice.

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