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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you end if if your DH/DP said they didn't care that you were upset?

35 replies

causeikeep · 29/11/2023 08:41

NC'd so it's not linked to my other threads.

Yesterday morning DH was very unkind to me before I left for work. He shouted and swore at me (out of character for him). I messaged him to smooth things over when I was at work (I know) and he apologised. I am very sensitive for context. When I got home, he was still in a mood and in the evening after the DC were in bed, I tried talking to him about it and started crying. He was sitting there stony faced, turned the tv up and said that he didn't care that I was upset as it was me that had been in a mood with him since I was home (I wasn't but I was avoiding him a bit as he was still in a foul mood) and that everything would be fine in the morning. When I went to bed he came and if I rolled near him/moved my arm to get comfy, he'd push it away so that we weren't inadvertently touching. Surprise surprise, this morning rolls around and he's still in a foul mood. I left for work crying and he just told me to stop and that it wasn't worth it. If you were me, what would you do? I have anxiety and I can't compartmentalise things like this, it will affect me all day. I tried to call him before work but he's turned his phone off. Now I get another day feeling like rubbish.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 29/11/2023 10:25

Sometimes people are in a mood and want to be left alone, perhaps he doesn't have the bandwidth to deal with his own emotions and yours right now. You could see if was in a mood or didn't want to talk but you still tried talking to him and then crying. Sometimes people just want to be left alone for a bit especially if he isn't ready to talk about it. Give him space and a bit of time and stop badgering and chasing him

Balloonhearts · 29/11/2023 10:27

After all the twattery in bed? His shit would be bagged up ready when he got home from work. I couldn't be doing with all that.

Dweetfidilove · 29/11/2023 10:28

He sounds like a 5 year old with the moving away when touching and the I’m in a mood, because you’re in a mood..,

It sounds like you both struggle with conflict resolution, with all the moodiness/ avoidance/seeking reassurance/neediness/crying/calling/not answering/not talking.

You both need to sit and have a conversation and if you can’t do that, get someone to help you.

Dweetfidilove · 29/11/2023 10:30

Mrsttcno1 · 29/11/2023 09:43

I think there’s 2 separate issues here to address:

  1. The actual argument/disagreement
  2. Your reaction to it

For part 1, you both need to be calm and sit and talk together. That means he needs to be ready to speak openly and without the nasty huffy attitude, and you need to be ready to sit and have that conversation without crying. Until both of you are at that point, just give each other space.

For part 2, you need to work on this yourself. As another poster has suggested, get some therapy. You need to learn to separate one thing from the other, if DH & I had a disagreement before work like this, I wouldn’t be texting and calling him at work to try and “smooth things over”. We’re adults, we both have bad days, stressed etc, sometimes you do just snap over something stupid, or you’re wound up over 100 things and then thing 101 is so silly but is just the thing that tips you over the edge and you end up saying something a bit stupid. It’s not ideal but it happens, and when that does happen you just need a little bit of time and space to decompress. If we had a morning like that, and DH was then calling/texting me at work, I’d be more irritated. He’s going to see me at home later, we can chat about it in person when we will probably both feel more calm!

Also, as difficult as I appreciate it may be, you need to try and communicate, rather than cry. If you are still feeling too emotional to discuss calmly without the tears, then wait until you are calm enough to have the chat.

Edited

OP, this is good advice.

determinedtomakethiswork · 29/11/2023 10:34

He is treating you like a punchbag. If this is completely out of character then obviously you need to deal with it by talking to him at a time when he's more calm. However, he needs to understand that the way he is treating you is completely unacceptable.

You are married and you should stop seeing the house as his. At the same time given his character, as it reveals itself occasionally, I would get myself in as good a position financially as I could. That might mean retraining.

Mrsm010918 · 29/11/2023 10:36

Mrsttcno1 · 29/11/2023 09:43

I think there’s 2 separate issues here to address:

  1. The actual argument/disagreement
  2. Your reaction to it

For part 1, you both need to be calm and sit and talk together. That means he needs to be ready to speak openly and without the nasty huffy attitude, and you need to be ready to sit and have that conversation without crying. Until both of you are at that point, just give each other space.

For part 2, you need to work on this yourself. As another poster has suggested, get some therapy. You need to learn to separate one thing from the other, if DH & I had a disagreement before work like this, I wouldn’t be texting and calling him at work to try and “smooth things over”. We’re adults, we both have bad days, stressed etc, sometimes you do just snap over something stupid, or you’re wound up over 100 things and then thing 101 is so silly but is just the thing that tips you over the edge and you end up saying something a bit stupid. It’s not ideal but it happens, and when that does happen you just need a little bit of time and space to decompress. If we had a morning like that, and DH was then calling/texting me at work, I’d be more irritated. He’s going to see me at home later, we can chat about it in person when we will probably both feel more calm!

Also, as difficult as I appreciate it may be, you need to try and communicate, rather than cry. If you are still feeling too emotional to discuss calmly without the tears, then wait until you are calm enough to have the chat.

Edited

This is the best advice so far.

Yes hes been a bit of an arse but you need to work on yourself a bit here too.

When someone irritates me what I need is space, maybe your DH is the same. What would irritate me even more is someone trying to 'smooth things over' and then calling and texting me constantly. Then I'd end up going home still in a mood rather than having chance to calm down and realise if I was an idiot. I certainly wouldn't want someone cuddling up to me if I was annoyed at them and would also move away.

And yes, if someone is a frequent cryer in an argument then, as cold as it sounds, I ignore the tears. When it's not really a severe situation it just feels like they lose their meaning. I don't mean that harshly OP, just trying to give maybe another perspective.

Original poster
causeikeep · 29/11/2023 12:08

I realised I put DH but he's actually a DP.

OP posts:
Original poster
causeikeep · 29/11/2023 12:08

@Mrsm010918 I appreciate your post to give me perspective on how others deal with things- thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
causeikeep · 29/11/2023 12:11

I think what made it worse is that I thought (due to the message) that it would all be fine when I got home and I would just forget it and move on, but he was in the same mood despite messaging me apologising.

I do appreciate that I need to work on myself too, I know that's part of it.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 29/11/2023 15:43

causeikeep · 29/11/2023 12:08

I realised I put DH but he's actually a DP.

Oh. In that case the advice to see a solicitor is even more important.

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