Pressure on children

[Heslikesnoverexcitedlabrador]

Do you put pressure on your children to achieve? I’m wondering if there’s something unusual about me as since having my Dd, it’s the last thing I’d ever want to do…I’m not concerned really about homework or test results. I just want my Dd to be happy in life, ideally it she continued loving learning, that would be great. We provide her with all opportunities, have filled her life with books, nature, art, travel etc since she was little, but I’d prefer age doesn’t have homework until high school, don’t see anything wrong with having done days off to relax/family day out and so on.
I see so much pressure on kids all
around me..recently my friends 9 year old girl was in floods of tears about school tests/assessments and not wanting to let anyone down..she has two tutors along with a full day at school and only ever loves to chat to me about books or films she watches or games she plays with her friends.
I just find the way the system is and all the pressure so sad, is it just me?
I’m an ex teacher, adored the children and teaching but struggled with so many aspects of it

I’d prefer *She doesn’t have homework

I guess people feel that to be happy in life it's extremely helpful to be comfortably off/have a job that you don't hate and that usually requires academic qualifications to get to

I am with you 100 percent! I don't ever want to put pressure on my children as I think it's hard enough as it is.

I’m very lucky in that my mum never did - all she wanted was for me to be happy. She said as long as at the end of the day (school/exams/work whatever) I could say “I did my best” then that’s all that matters - no matter the result really. If I couldn’t say I’d done my best then it was on me to do it better the next time. She obviously encouraged me to study and do well and helped me find what I was good at but she never ever put me under pressure to achieve things.

I’m now a fully functioning adult who did relatively well in exams, I work really hard and have a job I enjoy and am good at and get paid really well for. So she did something right!

oh sorry yeah 9 is too young for that, thought you meant later on

My parents took your approach and it was great. I fe the same. Childhood is a short precious time.

I agree wholeheartedly. It's why I chose to home educate after year 1. Children should be allowed to play and be free from pressure. They are natural scientists, artists and explorers. I believe that once those first SATS start in Y2, the love of learning is slowly crushed, year by year.

I think you need to get the right balance so that they can achieve their potential and are not having to play catch up as adults or have less choices. Sometimes that may mean a bit of encouragement to practice some maths or learn some spellings at that age.

I completely agree. Children are put under far too much pressure to succeed academically and aren’t given enough time to actually be children. The school day is long enough for a small child without them having to do more work when they get home. I also used to teach and hated it to be honest. I absolutely love children but like you say aspects of teaching are so problematic and can be damaging to children. When parents complained to me that they were having battles with their child over homework I used to say don’t worry about it, I don’t actually care if the homework is done, I only set it because the head of year makes me. I probably shouldn’t have said that but I didn’t want any child being upset at home over my homework. You can see why I don’t teach anymore lol

It's a balance though, isn't it? Your example of the 9 year old is one massive extreme, but you seem to be at the other end. There is a happy medium in between. Mumsnet is full of posts about people whose offspring in their late teens, early 20s or even older are at home computer gaming or whatever all day, doing nothing, achieving nothing, unambitious and unable or unwilling to support themselves. That's a terrible state to leave your DD in as an adult.

Doing homework in primary isn't just about learning the spelling words or the times tables, it's about starting to learn the skills of learning, learning that it's better to sit down and focus on something and get it done than procrastinate, learning that it's worth struggling with something hard to overcome the struggle and get a sense of achievement and be proud of yourself, etc

I have my 6 year old worrying and upset about “quizzes” they are doing in school every morning this week. I’ve only just found out this is what they are doing, so I’ve not been able to support her until this evening. School aren’t doing Sats any more so I’m guessing this is instead of them, although I was expecting their replacement to be post Christmas atleast.

She asked me earlier if there was a 30p coin and I said no, the look of panic on her face was heartbreaking.

I think the level of pressure a parent thinks they are putting on a child, and the level of pressure that child experiences, can be world apart.

And there are many different sorts of pressure. My DS did a GCSE for which the school couldn't recruit a teacher. He experienced plenty of stress and pressure through that without us putting any expectations on him for a high mark. If I had my time over I'd have got a tutor for him. I think it would have relieved the pressure in that case.

Like others have said, there is a happy medium. My 8 year old has a spelling test every Friday. It’s 10 words. If we practice on the Tuesday he may get half right, the ones he gets wrong, we practice on Wednesday, if he gets any wrong, we keep learning them. It takes maybe 10 mins, three times a week, if that. I’m not putting pressure on him, but I think it’s important. He’s never got one wrong in the actual test, and I don’t care if he did. But with a bit of encouragement and 10 mins of work whilst I’m cooking dinner, he’s doing well. If we didn’t practice (which loads of parents don’t), he’d get maybe half right and half wrong and I think he’d be disheartened.

My dc are y1 and y4 and this academic year is the first time I've made a real effort to do spellings and times tables, workbooks etc with them outside of school. Not an excessive amount by any means. I do not have wildly high expectations of them academically but I do want them to get reasonable grades so they have more options. The more options they have the more likely it is that they'll be happy in their work because they have more choice.

I don't know anyone who worked hard at school who regrets it tbh but I have heard people say that they wish they had worked harder.

And I'm not a high achiever by any means.

YABU

@WinterFaye2 That’s so sad 😞 at just 6 years old

@Moveoverdarlin How does he feel about doing that?

Ds is 4, in reception, and we're figuring it out. Our school gives out star of the day (he sobbed for an hour once when he didn't get it because he was 'never going to be good enough'), and expects daily reading with journal filled in, a maths app 3x a week, phonics writing and reading every few days, and then a random project every other week.

Me and dp work full time, both log on again in the evening after bedtime, have a 1yo in nursery. We couldn't make it work already (!!!) and said as much to the teacher. Learning was becoming a chore for him and stressful for everyone. We'd gone from me collecting at school and going to the library, collecting leaves in the park, or doing crafts backed up with books/videos about say wooly mammoths or volcanoes, to regimented copying of letters over and over.

I just thought about it one evening and said no. Some kids (and adults) don't respond or thrive under pressure, and need more free learning. Whose business is it if we do number blocks or crafting instead of copying the letter a 10 times?! Some things he loves to be pushed on (numbers), others need more gentle/subtle support (reading/writing).

There's too much pressure on children and parents. They're not robots, thankfully.

My twins are Year 1. Both have SEN and are 'behind in their learning'.
At this stage in their young lives, I'm focused on their emotional wellbeing, as opposed to academic achievement.
They don't do home work, as I choose to keep home and school firmly separate.
I'll adapt this to suit each child in time.

It varies massively from school to parents to child. I’m a teacher too and I have put pressure on my own children to try hard in everything they do. In their teen years I absolutely pushed them to revise for exams. The reality is that unless you are born into money you need some form of education to pay your bills and in order to live comfortably you need an income. I don’t care what they become but they will become something.
At primary level I think the pressure for most children is minimal. Reading and timetables isn’t about completing work, it’s about developing a basic life skill and in primary, a love of reading. Knowing times tables frees up their working memory so they can access more complex things.
I can honestly say that the kids I teach don’t feel pressured to get the best results but they also know that hard work has rewards and they can have fun with it. Lots of us spend hours and hours making our lessons fun and engaging.

It think so much of it also depends on the child themselves. My DD was very sensitive and we had a very hard time with maths. I was always low pressure, but she would get herself into a fit about maths. I think the covid period weirdly helped because I was able to bring her into my day to day and include maths in cooking, cleaning, walks etc. She has become more confident.

Also our home is full of books which we read together and I encourage reading time (I also make time to read for work and now that she is a teen we do our work on the table together after school). We also sing and dance to catchy YouTube videos.

Im low pressure but as a means to build character I do tell her it’s important to try and that a low result is not the end of the world. Of course I think it’s important to learn to read and write and do basic maths at least. Also we don’t do any extra work at home, not in primary school. I know so many parents that make their children do extra work at home but we would play, if we did reading and writing it was “for fun” and we would learn spellings together which she became confident in when she found her learning style - this also takes time.

I do know other parents that are super strict but then have children that are not responding well to school. It is far more important to teach self awareness, social skills and good attitudes at the young age. They have a world of homework and hard work in secondary.

OP Is the 9 year old you mention at a prep school? I can honestly say that at an average state primary, there will be little to no pressure… in fact it borders on the other extreme.
Most children quite enjoy getting spellings correct and it improves their memory which is a vital skill going forward. Likewise as a pp has said, times tables frees up their brains for more complex maths.
I do however think there should be more emphasis on learning about the natural world though.

It all sounds great OP but this is the real world. Children need some pressure to actually do things so that when they grow up they have life choices and can enjoy life - which inevitably involves having a decent standard of living.

Many people are filled with regret that they did not achieve more at school.

At 9, absolutely. A happy child has a much better chance of being a happy adult. I agree that at primary school there should be minimal homework. All the homework can be counterproductive.

But by secondary school I think it's appropriate to start putting pressure on them. As said by others, happiness is easier if you are financially comfortable and have a job you enjoy.

I never have put pressure on ds he's always done ok, untill this year the main year just done his gcse mocks and failed everyone at parents evening was told he talks alot and doesn't get on with his work, I still don't pile the pressure on but he now knows he's to knuckle down and get on with his work also goes to after school revision to catch up.