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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex fired, wants to stop maintenance

65 replies

Lolocopter · 28/11/2023 21:09

I know I am not unreasonable, but I am so sick of his shit. He's an abusive narcissist. He constantly sends me long, insulting emails insinuating that I am a bad mother. He constantly threatens to take me to court for more time. This is definitely only about reducing maintenance.

Immediately upon getting the sack, he emailed to tell me he wants to stop all maintenance for our little daughter.

He:

  • was earning at least £200k per year and paying the CMS requirement for maintenance, absolutely nothing more
  • is getting severance
  • cheated me in the divorce, lying about the value of the marital home. He just sold it at a huge profit

I said no.

Literally the same day, he asked me to cover his days for several weeks so he can go on a holiday with his girlfriend (who is also vile - I tried to be nice to her at first but she has been horrible to me).

Aaaaahhh.

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 28/11/2023 21:18

What an utter prick. I've got no advice as sadly this is all too common. Shit fathers not wanting to provide for their own kids. I suppose the only silver lining is that you don't have to put up with him as a partner anymore.

amiold · 28/11/2023 21:26

Surely if he's not earning he will just get a nil assessment from cms so didn't need to ask your permission anyway ?

HunterHearstHelmsley · 28/11/2023 22:07

amiold · 28/11/2023 21:26

Surely if he's not earning he will just get a nil assessment from cms so didn't need to ask your permission anyway ?

This was my thought. He's unemployed so what can you actually do? A redundancy payment isn't considered as income, I believe (happy to be corrected)? If he's earning nothing, then you're not entitled to anything. Whatever % of £0 is £0. I think the family court maybe able to do something but it's not straightforward.

The situation is shit but you can't simply say "no, you must continue paying maintenance at the previous rate".

sunflowertime · 28/11/2023 22:14

He can use his payout to pay maintenance if he wants. Courts would probably have to force him if he didn't want to but doubt that would happen and would take a while

But now he's not working he can have his child more. That's what he said he wanted? Surely you would rather he see his child more than money?

Arthurnewyorkcity · 28/11/2023 23:29

If he's not earning you're entitled to nothing :( hopefully you managed to save some of the payment when it was based on 200k. Surely he won't want to be without income when he must be used to a pretty lavish lifestyle. Hopefully it won't be long until he gets another job. How sad that he could easily pay towards his and your daughter and that's the first thing he thinks to cut. Sorry you have to deal with that op

Original poster
Lolocopter · 29/11/2023 07:37

To those who say he no longer is obliged to pay for his child, I understood that CMS would look at average earnings over the year. He has only been unemployed for a week so far and he is obsessed with money so will be earning soon enough (though I am sure he will structure his compensation as shares etc instead of income to cheat our daughter if possible).

@sunflowertime If you haven't dealt with someone like this, it's hard to explain. He doesn't actually want to spend time with our child. He will make his girlfriend do as much childcare as possible. He just doesn't want to pay maintenance. Our child sadly doesn't even like spending time with their father

OP posts:
OP posts:
EvilElsa · 29/11/2023 08:41

I think the point the OP is making is that he should WANT to provide support for his child which he could do if he used money from the profits of the house sale and the severance payment he received. Instead he is choosing to go on holiday and isn't even offering a reduced amount until he gets a new job. Most parents would go without meals and treats to make sure their child is supported. I would put money on him having a nice sum tucked away and that he certainty won't be going without.
Cynically, I'm predicting he will do everything he can when he gets a new job to avoid paying anything at all and to hide his income. It's par for the course.
OP, I think you will just have to accept that this is him. He was and always will be a total wanker and there's nothing you can do to change it. Hopefully the payments will resume but I wouldn't hold my breath. Best of luck.

izzygirlis4 · 29/11/2023 08:44

Have you considered making an application for lump sums under schedule 1 of the children act?

PuttingDownRoots · 29/11/2023 08:49

Society let's men get away with this shit. He should want to pay. If she lived with him, she would still need food, clothes etc and he would manage.

But he doesn't live with her, so society deems it acceptable

Cumberbiatch · 29/11/2023 08:58

The system is such fucking bullshit. What if you decided not to pay towards your child? Not to buy food, not to buy clothes or any bills to heat her home? You'd quite rightly be done for neglect, but your shithead ex can just opt out. It's so so unfair. Another crappy rule that disproportionately negatively affects women.

HolidayAddict23 · 29/11/2023 09:01

I used to work for CMS and they will
take average earnings over a year while someone is employed, however if they are not employed and can provide proof then they don’t have to pay maintenance. If he claims benefits he will pay £7 per week. It’s not fair but it’s the system unfortunately

susiedaisy1912 · 29/11/2023 09:03

It's his responsibility to contact the cms and inform them that he is unemployed. They will adjust his payments based on the info he has provided. You don't have to do anything op. Do not respond to his demands. If as you say he will only be out of work for a short time then it's up to him to sort things out with the cms. Don't let him bully you.

Viviennemary · 29/11/2023 09:06

Your attitude isn't great either. You seem to hate him. I don't think I would co-operate either in his position. Do you work. If he doesn't earn anything then he won't be made to contribute very much.

Willyoujustbequiet · 29/11/2023 09:13

izzygirlis4 · 29/11/2023 08:44

Have you considered making an application for lump sums under schedule 1 of the children act?

This.

Also the government are changing the CMS legislation so they can take unearned income into account.

SoWhat21 · 29/11/2023 09:16

So if you stop earning you don’t have to pay for your child anymore? Does that work if you are the default parent or just for dead beat dads? What utter nonsense.

Beezknees · 29/11/2023 09:21

Viviennemary · 29/11/2023 09:06

Your attitude isn't great either. You seem to hate him. I don't think I would co-operate either in his position. Do you work. If he doesn't earn anything then he won't be made to contribute very much.

I was made redundant earlier this year and still managed to provide for my DC.

billyt · 29/11/2023 09:22

Viviennemary · 29/11/2023 09:06

Your attitude isn't great either. You seem to hate him. I don't think I would co-operate either in his position. Do you work. If he doesn't earn anything then he won't be made to contribute very much.

You wouldn't co-operate? Have you read OPs post, he's no fucking saint.

And wouldn't hate him you in OPs situation?

If not, are you OPs ex or his girlfriend?

starfro · 29/11/2023 09:28

How much did you get in the divorce, must've been a huge amount if he's such a high earner?

Do you work?

Thequeenofwishfulthinking · 29/11/2023 09:33

He doesn’t have to pay anything until he gets another job. Whilst unemployed he will receive a nil assessment.
As stated by pp any redundancy payment is not classed as income for assessment.

welcometothnuthouse · 29/11/2023 09:34

How old is dd?

Meep2024 · 29/11/2023 09:37

You have my sympathies OP. Mine has 2 well paying jobs and recently had a liability order made against him to pay CM. He told CM that he has the DCs more nights than me (he works nights 5 days a week and DD hasnt stayed since the summer!) It means they can't go for a detachment from earnings order until it's all been checked. When I rang to tell them my situation was so easily disproved they told me it isn't my job to disprove it it's his job to prove that what he is saying is true. I personally would not respond to that email. If he is already paying maintenance, he needs to call them up and inform them his financial circumstances have changed and they will adapt it accordingly. Keep your head held high and don't do the legwork for him.

Isthatarealname · 29/11/2023 09:45

Viviennemary · 29/11/2023 09:06

Your attitude isn't great either. You seem to hate him. I don't think I would co-operate either in his position. Do you work. If he doesn't earn anything then he won't be made to contribute very much.

I would hate him too.

There really needs to be a system change so that parents can't get away with shit like this. It's embarrassing how many Dads I know that have chucked their job in to stop paying maintenance (of course they are doing cash in hand stuff and hiding income)

ExTheCheater · 29/11/2023 09:49

If he's not working child maintenance will go down to nothing I guess. My ex is on benefits and I get bare minimum it's less than £7 per week.

ExTheCheater · 29/11/2023 09:55

I've been under cms for a decade and as soon as my ex stopped working, the maintenance stopped. There was no averaging over a year they've always calculated his on what his income is at that moment. At one point he wasn't working or claiming benefits so I got no maintenance then as soon as he claimed benefits it changed to minimum payment. He's actually working part time now and it's still minimum payments as he's still entitled to benefits. At one point he worked full time but he obviously didn't think it was financially worth it.