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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex fired, wants to stop maintenance

65 replies

Lolocopter · 28/11/2023 21:09

I know I am not unreasonable, but I am so sick of his shit. He's an abusive narcissist. He constantly sends me long, insulting emails insinuating that I am a bad mother. He constantly threatens to take me to court for more time. This is definitely only about reducing maintenance.

Immediately upon getting the sack, he emailed to tell me he wants to stop all maintenance for our little daughter.

He:

  • was earning at least £200k per year and paying the CMS requirement for maintenance, absolutely nothing more
  • is getting severance
  • cheated me in the divorce, lying about the value of the marital home. He just sold it at a huge profit

I said no.

Literally the same day, he asked me to cover his days for several weeks so he can go on a holiday with his girlfriend (who is also vile - I tried to be nice to her at first but she has been horrible to me).

Aaaaahhh.

OP posts:
pontipinemum · 29/11/2023 10:06

He sounds like a prick! I really hate that some men do not want to provide for their children. Does he think he is punishing you? Does he not realise it is punishing his DD, or does he just not give a crap!

Original poster
Lolocopter · 29/11/2023 10:19

@welcometothnuthouse 8 years old

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 29/11/2023 10:32

The system is odd on both sides. It doesn't seem right that a nrp who has high savings could be entitled to not pay a penny in maintenance if they lose their job.

Similarly though, it doesn't seem right that a RP, who receives £1000+ in maintenance is still entitled to claim full UC as if they were only getting nothing.

Either way, one benefits financially over the other.

Lovemusic82 · 29/11/2023 10:37

Sadly if he (or you) goes through CM he won’t have to pay whilst he’s not working.

For those saying “well if the most her stopped working she would still have to provide for her child”, well yes but she would also be entitled to claim benefits to help support her child?

OP does sound very angry towards her ex, of course she’s angry and her ex is a c#nt (her story) and of course he should provide for his child. Sadly there’s not much OP can do until he finds a new job and starts earning again, his savings and assets won’t be considered by CM (which seems wrong).

Original poster
Lolocopter · 29/11/2023 10:40

To those who asked, I am a high earner myself and have always worked full time.

I used to work in public service but got a higher paying job after leaving him, in part because I know he will find a way not to support his child.

When we were together, he would constantly do me down for not making more money but also would be constantly angry that I worked full time.

I do hate him. He ruined my life. (Fortunately I managed to thrive after leaving him, but he's a horrible person who manipulated, victimised, and cheated me in innumerable ways.)

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolocopter · 29/11/2023 10:42

He is a actually paying 'voluntarily' at the moment, at CMS rates. If he stops payments, I would consider making a Part I application as suggested above - but I also value my mental health so would have to think long and hard before starting litigation with him. He's a nasty piece of work and would make that horrible.

OP posts:
StrictlyComeSnoozing · 29/11/2023 10:42

Whilst I agree that he sounds like an almighty prick, once he informs CMS he isn't working he'll have a nil assessment so you'll get nothing anyway. They only take account of income, not assets.

Beezknees · 29/11/2023 12:05

starfro · 29/11/2023 09:28

How much did you get in the divorce, must've been a huge amount if he's such a high earner?

Do you work?

Both irrelevant questions. Neither of those things absolve a NRP of paying maintenance.

Beezknees · 29/11/2023 12:07

vivainsomnia · 29/11/2023 10:32

The system is odd on both sides. It doesn't seem right that a nrp who has high savings could be entitled to not pay a penny in maintenance if they lose their job.

Similarly though, it doesn't seem right that a RP, who receives £1000+ in maintenance is still entitled to claim full UC as if they were only getting nothing.

Either way, one benefits financially over the other.

The reason RP are allowed to claim UC is because NRP could just suddenly decide not to pay and leave the RP high and dry. The system years ago did used to reduce benefits depending on the amount of maintenance and it did not work which was why it got changed.

Frasers · 29/11/2023 12:10

Op, ok it’s voluntary, so he can stop, at 200k it must have been a large sum. You don’t need litigation, just apply for child maintenance, but if he’s unemployed he will not have to pay. When he is employed again, he will. As you think this will be soon, then, I’m not sure this war is worth the fight?

Beezknees · 29/11/2023 12:10

Lovemusic82 · 29/11/2023 10:37

Sadly if he (or you) goes through CM he won’t have to pay whilst he’s not working.

For those saying “well if the most her stopped working she would still have to provide for her child”, well yes but she would also be entitled to claim benefits to help support her child?

OP does sound very angry towards her ex, of course she’s angry and her ex is a c#nt (her story) and of course he should provide for his child. Sadly there’s not much OP can do until he finds a new job and starts earning again, his savings and assets won’t be considered by CM (which seems wrong).

The man earned £200k. He should have plenty of savings on that salary to continue providing for his child.

Frasers · 29/11/2023 12:13

Beezknees · 29/11/2023 12:10

The man earned £200k. He should have plenty of savings on that salary to continue providing for his child.

Show quote history

Sure, but that’s not the question , no one disputes that, the question isn’t can he afford it. The op is also a high earner. The issue is does he need ro lay when unemployed and the answer is legally no. Morally sure, yes he should, we all agree, but legally there is nothing she can do.

however she thinks he will be employed again quickly at which point it would resume, she just needs to make an application for child maintenance.

i don’t know how he cheated her out the value of the house though, generally that’s 3 agents value and average taken and she’d have to agree.

Original poster
Lolocopter · 29/11/2023 12:18

@Frasers I avoided court with him because he would 100% have made it into a huge nightmare. (He refused to get a solicitor. My very experienced family law solicitors dealt with him a few times and were gobsmacked by how terrible he made the final negotiations)

Anyway, he would not allow me access to the home to get my own valuation. So we just settled based on his lies.

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 29/11/2023 12:22

The reason RP are allowed to claim UC is because NRP could just suddenly decide not to pay and leave the RP high and dry
Indeed, but they could start a claim when maintenance stops or increase it accordingly.

OP, if you're a high earner and was getting over £1,000 a month in maintenance, didn't you put some aside for this exact possible situation?

flowerygloves · 29/11/2023 12:23

Go through CMS and don't bother having any contact with him about money. Assume financially that he has died and you won't see another penny. That way you won't care so much. He doesn't give a shit about his own child,' try not to let that impact you he doesn't get to "win"

Gettingbysomehow · 29/11/2023 12:25

So what would happen to your DD if you couldn't work either, would you just let her starve to death.
It amazes me the amount of men who think child maintenance is a choice.
Unfortunately they always seem to get away with it.

Original poster
Lolocopter · 29/11/2023 12:28

@vivainsomnia

I have plenty of money to take care of my child because I have structured our lives so we don't need to rely on him. However, I am disgusted and offended by his attitude regarding his obligations towards his child.

Just because I can take care of us doesn't mean he should be free and clear of any financial responsibility for a child that he wanted and pushed for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolocopter · 29/11/2023 12:29

@flowerygloves this is probably right. I have had to threaten CMS a few times. He always kicks off and eventually pays because he doesn't want to deal with them. But it would be better for my peace of mind for sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lolocopter · 29/11/2023 12:30

@Gettingbysomehow the system was built by rich male lawyers who are sympathetic to deadbeat dads. It's gross.

OP posts:
andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 29/11/2023 12:31

Lolocopter · 29/11/2023 12:18

@Frasers I avoided court with him because he would 100% have made it into a huge nightmare. (He refused to get a solicitor. My very experienced family law solicitors dealt with him a few times and were gobsmacked by how terrible he made the final negotiations)

Anyway, he would not allow me access to the home to get my own valuation. So we just settled based on his lies.

I know the house was the marital home, but was it in his name only?
Is that why your solicitors couldn't force him to allow you access?

Original poster
Lolocopter · 29/11/2023 12:33

@andHelenknowsimmiserablenow yes. I was very naive and stupidly agreed to only his name being on the papers.

OP posts:
Frasers · 29/11/2023 12:41

But it was still the marital home, did you leave voluntarily?

Original poster
Lolocopter · 29/11/2023 12:46

@Frasers I left because I knew that he would never leave. He was(is) extremely abusive. It was still a marital asset.

OP posts:
Frasers · 29/11/2023 12:50

Lolocopter · 29/11/2023 12:46

@Frasers I left because I knew that he would never leave. He was(is) extremely abusive. It was still a marital asset.

Ok, there is not much that can be done, you chose to leave and not go to court, and not tp have your name on the deeds. I am sympathetic, but you accepted the valuation, and that is done now.

Flamingbow · 29/11/2023 12:59

Honestly its not right or fair but if you can financially provide for your child I'd work on moving on. He will no doubt get another job soon enough if he's used to having an income of £200k and he will have to pay via CMS, he probably enjoys the power of being able to control this don't give it to him.