About bedroom-sharing kids' bedtime

[Flockameanie]

DC (10 & 8) are (temporarily, thank god) sharing a room and bedtimes are a fucking nightmare. Neither will go upstairs to bed (only one room - theirs - is upstairs) without the other one or without either me or DH. If we do manage to get them up there without us, they start physically fighting.

DC1 really needs a later bedtime than DC2, but their light has to go out at the same time (8pm). Sending them up separately just draws the whole process out.

They ALWAYS pick fights with us at lights off and/or start manufacturing various woes, fears, etc. DC1 in particular. We've tried it all - validating feelings and letting them talk (just means that it adds 30 mins after lights out before they're settling), being stern (everyone ends up arguing with each other), ignoring them (they just get louder).

To add to this, they insist that one of us sits with them after lights out. If we refuse, they kick off and the whole process takes longer. If we go downstairs anyway, they will inevitably come down multiple times complaining that we're too quiet/ too loud/ they can't get to sleep.

Neither threats nor rewards work to stop any of this.

It is driving me IN-FUCKING-SANE. Bedtime takes forever. I'm frazzled by the time I finally get downstairs (usually after 8.30) and end up staying up late to get all the shit I need to get done of an evening.

Any wise tips on managing bedtime better?

Remember you are the adults, then divide and conquer!

One adult takes younger DC up to bed at their bedtime, then puts them to bed, while other adult stays downstairs for some wind down time with older DC.

First parent comes down after a set time (say 5 minutes), then 2nd parent and older DC go upstairs when it's the older DC's bedtime, 2nd parent then puts DC to bed, stays for the same set amount of time, then goes downstairs.

DC are told beforehand that parents will not be sitting with them until they fall asleep, that the parents will only stay for however many minutes; they are plenty old enough to know how to fall asleep by themselves.

Arguing or getting out of bed unnecessarily equal 2 minutes earlier for bedtime the next day (or whatever works for you), for each occurrence (I always said this was because their poor behaviour at bedtime was just proof that they were really tired and needed more sleep, or that they clearly needed extra "going to bed" practice! Alternatively, you could reward for smooth bedtimes, depends what works best for your DC).

Set out what's going to happen and then, most importantly; stick to it!

My two shared until they were the same age as your two are now, and had different bedtimes for most of the time, so it is possible!

Good luck!

Love to know the answer to this, currently sat in DS1(9)'s room while he falls asleep. DW is in DS2's room doing the same thing! Barely get any evenings and haven't for years...

Dc 8 and 6 share (no other option) and could also do with slightly different bedtimes. They have clip on lamps to read with sbd a karge room so are quite independent- dc1 can read for longer dc2 will turn kamp off when tired.

There's no way either of them would he ready for lights out at 8pm though!

I'd send them up to get ready one at a time, any refusal , Consequences.

Thing is, DC2 kicks up a storm if DC1 gets to go up later/ read later. Their room is small so one with a light on disturbs the other. It was an absolute shit show tonight. DC1 becomes hugely argumentative and shouty about not wanting to go to bed when it’s lights out time… Apparently we don’t love her because we get cross when she’s shouting in our faces 🙄

DH are going to try just letting them read quietly for longer and then they turn their light out when they want before 9pm. Maybe giving them a bit more control over things will help? So, upstairs by 7.30, in bed by 8, lights out by 9pm.

FML

Oh no, this isn’t giving me hope! 3 and 5 year old here and we have to sit in separate rooms when they fall asleep and practically have no evening as the eldest doesn’t sleep until after 8.30 / 9. I didn’t realise this may not get any better for years!!

What are the consequences when they kick off?

Well, presumably DC1 will be in secondary in 9 months time...I think going upstairs at 7.30 and basically staying up there till lights out at 9 is a bit unreasonable.

@Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon are you active trying to sort the bedtimes out, or sit with them til they sleep then leave? It's something worth putting time and effort into now so that you aren't doing it for years to come. Sorry if you've tried loads already.

My 5 and 6 year old go up at 7.15, read, lights out 7.45 to 8. Your bed time is too early, that's a large part of the issue. Make a big deal of making it later. Say you're doing it as a trial but if they are naughty it will be straight back to earlier. Might be a good incentive.

How temporary is temporary? Could DS2 have a later bedtime for a bit?

@Flockameanie why are they going up so early? Are they actually tired?

Ds1 had cubs tonight. We got home at 8.15 They both wanted "supper" so had toast and milk. Upstairs to get ready 8.30ish. (Quick wash, toilet, teeth) ds2 has a newbook and wanted me to read so we all laid on my bed while I read til 9pm. Ds2 carried on reading for a bit but asleep now. Ds1 reading still (but he has never needed loads of sleep).

They both get really upset when we try to leave and say they are scared, don’t want to be on their own etc (they have nightlights), just want us there and I don’t have the heart to walk away and say no. Especially not with the youngest! My eldest has never been happy playing with toys by herself, to her being in her room by herself is seen as some sort of punishment and she hates it, she always wants company. I’m sure when she’s a lot older I’ll miss all this but could definitely do with some time in the evening back

I read DS(19)'s room

@Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon ah it's hard isn't it? My 2 have always shared and dont like sleeping in a room alone. It's understandable really. Have you tried settling the eldest down, sit for a few minutes then "I just need a wee, back is a minute"? Always go back. Then "I'm going to hang some washing up, back in a few minutes"? Again, always go back. But leave it a bit longer. Do they have a light display or music ir anything? We have a yoto player, it's a godsend

We threaten earlier bedtime subsequent nights, and threaten various other things. Thing is, none of these are natural consequences. The actual natural consequences of them kicking off is that everyone ends up getting cross. Which ever DC isn't shouting start shouting at the other one for shouting. DH and I get cross. DC accuse us of not loving them/ caring aout them/ etc. If we try to draw a line, whoever is kicking off gets more aggitated.

Seriously - it's a shit show! And we have no issues with drawing boundaries, etc. We're not push overs. But we're in a tiny rental place (during building work) so we can't even split them up in different rooms as there are no different rooms...

Indeed. But we'll be back in our house by then and they'll be back in separate rooms. THANK GOD

Yup. I'm realising that (just read past threads on bedtimes for similar aged kids and realise we're early). So from tomorrow we're goign to try: Upstairs no later than 7.30. Can faff about in room, doing quiet activities until 8.15 at which point in bed quietly reading. Lights off no later than 9pm. That's really too late for DC2, but he'll just have to cope.

One of the issues is DC1 is a night owl and DC2 a lark.

Later bedtime and you do your stuff whilst they are down stairs with you.

8pm does seem very early

I don't think I realised until now that 7.30 was early! It seems like only yesterday that they were fast asleep by 7pm.

I'm realising they need a later bedtime, but that essentially means DH and I will get NO evening time to ourselves. However, I'm hoping that they will, witih our new plan, be able to be left to their own devices upstairs between 7.30ish and 9ish, so that DH can work/ watch tell/ drown ourselves in wine in peace

I still take my 11 year old up because I enjoy the wind down chat.

I'd say if it's temporary spend the time taking them up

I am seeing a pattern here!

It sounds like they are going to bed far too early and just aren't tired. My 9 year old goes upstairs at 9 and is generally asleep at 9.30.

I don't mind the taking them up/ sitting with them as much as the lights-off kick-off. I actually quite like the wind down chat too, but inevitably they are actually winding themselves (and each other) up...

What I wanted to say has mostly been said.

I think you have to start with a reasonable expectation. So the bed time you’ve been setting is much too early - especially for the 10 yo. Expecting to be done altogether by 8.30 with kids that age isn’t going to work, I don’t think.

My 9 yo has cubs on a Weds and that doesn’t finish too 8.30, and some of the kids that go will be just 8. He didn’t start kids til recently because he needs a longer wind down time that some (has ADHD) but that just illustrates that some kids will still be out of doors at 8.30, never mind settled and parents done for the night.

I do think you have to differentiate between the two kids if at all possible- and the 8 yo will have to understand he needs more sleep (in my head they’re both boys so sorry if I’m wrong - it doesn’t change anything if so).

8.30/9 ish is fine for the 8 yo, but the 10yo will be more 9.30 ish to be finally said goodnight to by you / DH (after whatever they have to wind down - reading etc).
Then when you’ve set reasonable expectations I think the approach needs to be consistent- so whether you’re doing a hardline approach of “that’s it we won’t come back once it’s 9.30” or whatever you choose, the approach needs to be the same.

Maybe have a discussion at a calm time when you set out your expectations and how things will go from now on.