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Original poster

About bedroom-sharing kids' bedtime

32 replies

Flockameanie · 28/11/2023 20:37

DC (10 & 8) are (temporarily, thank god) sharing a room and bedtimes are a fucking nightmare. Neither will go upstairs to bed (only one room - theirs - is upstairs) without the other one or without either me or DH. If we do manage to get them up there without us, they start physically fighting.

DC1 really needs a later bedtime than DC2, but their light has to go out at the same time (8pm). Sending them up separately just draws the whole process out.

They ALWAYS pick fights with us at lights off and/or start manufacturing various woes, fears, etc. DC1 in particular. We've tried it all - validating feelings and letting them talk (just means that it adds 30 mins after lights out before they're settling), being stern (everyone ends up arguing with each other), ignoring them (they just get louder).

To add to this, they insist that one of us sits with them after lights out. If we refuse, they kick off and the whole process takes longer. If we go downstairs anyway, they will inevitably come down multiple times complaining that we're too quiet/ too loud/ they can't get to sleep.

Neither threats nor rewards work to stop any of this.

It is driving me IN-FUCKING-SANE. Bedtime takes forever. I'm frazzled by the time I finally get downstairs (usually after 8.30) and end up staying up late to get all the shit I need to get done of an evening.

Any wise tips on managing bedtime better?

OP posts:
LadySybilRamekin · 29/11/2023 22:54

Could you get one of them to fall asleep in your bedroom, and then transfer them right their own bed when you want to go to sleep?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/11/2023 22:56

I took my Dd up well into her being 13 - and I still go in to say goodnight at some point now she’s 15 - but obviously at this age it’s not necessarily the last thing - she’ll still be reading and go up and down to get stuff after I’ve said goodnight - it’s more that I say goodnight when I want to go up for the night!

Nothankyou22 · 29/11/2023 22:58

When mine used to share a room about that age, they’d have a movie on at 8 and have to go to sleep as soon as it finished.
still both chose a movie or audio book, bathroom light is always left on so they aren’t scared.
id say they’re more than likely acting up because it’s early and they aren’t tired, my 9 year old goes to bed about 10pm and up at 7.30 and that’s enough for her

Original poster
Flockameanie · 29/11/2023 22:58

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/11/2023 22:54

What I wanted to say has mostly been said.

I think you have to start with a reasonable expectation. So the bed time you’ve been setting is much too early - especially for the 10 yo. Expecting to be done altogether by 8.30 with kids that age isn’t going to work, I don’t think.

My 9 yo has cubs on a Weds and that doesn’t finish too 8.30, and some of the kids that go will be just 8. He didn’t start kids til recently because he needs a longer wind down time that some (has ADHD) but that just illustrates that some kids will still be out of doors at 8.30, never mind settled and parents done for the night.

I do think you have to differentiate between the two kids if at all possible- and the 8 yo will have to understand he needs more sleep (in my head they’re both boys so sorry if I’m wrong - it doesn’t change anything if so).

8.30/9 ish is fine for the 8 yo, but the 10yo will be more 9.30 ish to be finally said goodnight to by you / DH (after whatever they have to wind down - reading etc).
Then when you’ve set reasonable expectations I think the approach needs to be consistent- so whether you’re doing a hardline approach of “that’s it we won’t come back once it’s 9.30” or whatever you choose, the approach needs to be the same.

Maybe have a discussion at a calm time when you set out your expectations and how things will go from now on.

Gah. You're all right.

Sob. I thought I had so many more years left before I lost child-free evenings.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flockameanie · 29/11/2023 23:00

Nothankyou22 · 29/11/2023 22:58

When mine used to share a room about that age, they’d have a movie on at 8 and have to go to sleep as soon as it finished.
still both chose a movie or audio book, bathroom light is always left on so they aren’t scared.
id say they’re more than likely acting up because it’s early and they aren’t tired, my 9 year old goes to bed about 10pm and up at 7.30 and that’s enough for her

10pm!!!?!? Jesus. I'm thinking about heading to bed myself at 10pm (although I never manage it...)

OP posts:
Original poster
Flockameanie · 29/11/2023 23:02

LadySybilRamekin · 29/11/2023 22:54

Could you get one of them to fall asleep in your bedroom, and then transfer them right their own bed when you want to go to sleep?

They will not entertain this. They weirdly want to be together, despite telling each other how much they suck/ they hate each other. DC2 doesn't want to be up there on his own. DC1 doesn't want to be in our room full stop.

Anyway, my desk is in our bedroom and I have to work most evenings...

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 30/11/2023 00:07

Well you sort of get them back in a few years because when they’re into their teens they don’t need putting to bed as such.

So although they’re not around, they’re pottering doing their thing, you’re pottering doing yours.

With my teenager, my “saying goodnight” basically means leave me alone after this, not that either of us is going to sleep as such.

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