Sleepovers & Missing School? AIBU?

[Bomber1]

Hi,

I'm married to a very strongly opinionated and lovely woman (I am a bit of an alpha type as well, so you can imagine that dynamic :-) ). We have a 2 year old daughter whom is quickly growing up and we need to establish some ground rules for how to parent. Like every couple, my wife and I occasionally clash on how certain things should be done.

Sometimes I don't know if im being unreasonable or not.... Would love to get a little bit of insight from everyone here, especially the moms.

Context:
We are invited to a mid week wedding in the same city we live in. The following morning we will probably be dead from sleep deprivation.

1. Wife has unilaterally decided that our daughter will sleepover at her MIL's home so we can sleep in. I think ANY sleepover - irrespective of with whom and where - should be signed off on by the two of us, not a unilateral action. Even if I have no objection, I think this should have been asked by wife, and approval gotten. I feel like I was completely sidelined in this decision.

1. Daughter will miss two nursery days because of the wedding. This is because MIL won't/can't take daughter to nursery. I think loosing school days at whatever age to just sit in an apartment is not a good tradeoff for child development.

For the record, MIL showers daughter with love and is around very frequently.

Am I being unreasonable?

Non issue.
They only really do drawing, painting and running around outside at nursery, two days off this isn't going to significantly impact your child.

If you had said she was 15 and mid gcse's, perhaps a little unreasonable of her but 2 and in nursery (not school) just isn't an issue.

I love my mil. If my dh told me he had arranged for the kids to go to his mums so we could have a night out and a lie in I would love it! In fact he does do this! Why is that a bad thing?

A two year old will get more out of staying with your mum than she'll get out of being at nursery.
I don't understand your post.

Why does your wife need your permission on this issue?

I think a sleepover at mils doesn’t need ‘signing off’ by the other parent but Dh and I would usually have discussed this when ours were smaller, as in “who shall we ask to have the kids?” Either way, if he’d sorted it himself and they were going to a grandparent I’d just have been ecstatic at the thought of a lie in!
And it’s 2 days of nursery, when you pick up dc take them out to the park or something for a bit of fresh air for all of you, job done.

1. Your wife does not need to ask for your sign off for your dd to stay over with her gran unless there is a serious issue with your MIL care. What is the issue?
2. Missing a few nursery sessions aged 2 is not an issue. This is not formal school.

Frankly you sound a bit controlling.

Well if you fancy getting up at the crack of dawn with a 2yr old after a late night and a bit to drink then maybe you should crack on. Make sure you don't wake your wife who put in place some decent childcare to avoid having to do so.

Are you afraid she’ll fall behind in exam prep or something? 2 days off is no issue.

Perhaps your wife should’ve mentioned it beforehand, but in all honesty not having to parent while nursing a hangover would quickly make me forget to object to this plan.

If you are so worried about missing nursery, maybe don’t drink at the wedding and not stay too late, so you will be capable of taking DC to nursery in the morning

Broadly, I'd agree that sleepovers at this age should probably be discussed between you with the exception of if sleepovers are regularly already done and therefore it's just BAU.

Having said that, I also think it depends a little on who does the bulk of the day to day childcare and parenting and, I guess, who tends to do the nights/early starts as I can see a situation where if one parent does that, he/she is more inclined to want to make a decision that means they escape this after a wedding and copious alcohol.

Missing 2 days of nursery is a total nonevent and, assuming she has a good relationship with her grandmother, completely fine and totally fun for her.

"Dead from sleep deprivation " ...... will you be smoking crack?

(I am a bit of an alpha type as well, so you can imagine that dynamic :-) ).

TL;BV (too long, busy vomiting)

Omg she’s a baby and it’s not school - and it’s your mum!!!

So are you planning instead to not have too much to.drink so you can get up in the night/morning with your 2yo, keeping her quiet and off to nursery, so your wife - who's made perfectly acceptable arrangements for childcare so you can have a late night and lie in - can stay in bed undisturbed?

Or would your 2yo immediately ask for mummy and you would need to ask questions about getting her up and to nursery?

Spoiler alert: getting up with a 2yo and getting them off to nursery (NOT school) and going back to bed is not the same thing.

You sound like a ridiculous controlling arse tbh!

It's nursery, aka childcare not school.., you get to spend quality time with your wife and daughter spends time being spoilt at nanas!!

ManateeFair is right. Describing yourself as alpha is really unattractive. Also it's 'who is growing up quickly' not whom. I'd never usually pick anyone up on grammar but you sound insufferable and superior. Are you implying your daughter is of such immense intelligence she needs to be in nursery ( not school) for two days, rather than having a lovely time with Granny?

I'm* a bit of an alpha type
*

Sounds like you just want to assert yourself all the time. Feels controlling to me so YABU.

Sleepover (unless there are issues with mil) and missing nursery are eminently sensible decisions. I agree that it's something that might have been mentioned before being put in place, but this one is not really a deal breaker.

More importantly, it may be worth agreeing what decisions can be taken unilaterally - thinking ahead to things like a sleepover at a friend's house when she's older. It's not reasonable to expect every decision to be discussed, so it's worth discussing where the boundaries are.

For example, I didn't consult DH about playdates with friends, and he trusted my judgement on that - if we didn't know the family reasonably well, I'd go with her. If he'd been picking her up and was asked about a playdate, he would probably have stalled to check with me (both timing-wise and because he didn't know the other families as well). When she was invited for her first sleepovers, we discussed it before accepting.

Another one that can be contentious, down the line, is leaving the child alone. We always discussed before increasing that one (from 5 minutes while I nipped two doors along the road, to half an hour going to the shops, etc).

I think you do have to trust each other on the small things, though, because they may arise when it's not practical to check. There's a balance between that and making sure that important parenting decisions are made jointly where possible.

Oh my word it’s going to be hard work bringing up a child with you 😬😬😬

Oh wow. You're pretty intense, aren't you?

If you don't learn to chill a bit the teenage years will kill you.

Oh op. You need to unclench, seriously. A 2 yr old mission nursery is no biggie.

Are you always so stressy?

I don't see in your post what you actually propose doing with your daughter whilst you're at this wedding?

If you disagree with your wife's suggestion, what's the alternative?

Also...describing yourself as a "alpha male type" eurgh 🙄

You're not being unreasonable for thinking that sleepovers should be agreed with both parents. I think that's standard.

You're unreasonable for making a big deal about two days of missed daycare though.

Also agree with CocoPlum, is the alternative arrangement that you do all the childcare overnight and nursery drop? Don't you want to spend a lazy wake up in bed with your wife, you power couple?

No problem with missing nursery for me, but I would be concerned that neither of you seem capable of taking your DD to nursery the day after a wedding.
Could one of you not rein it in slightly (maybe you, since you seem to have the problem) so you were capable of looking after your DD yourselves?
Otherwise enjoy the bit of time off and save the attendance issues until actual school.

It's not school it's childcare you are being ridiculous.