Was I selfish or wrong to have got pregnant?

[NewbieToThis]

Hi im so sorry if this comes across the wrong way especially to all you who are desperately ttc. I know how lucky I am to be nearly 6 months pregnant with a healthy baby. Thing is my son is not lucky. He’s not lucky one bit to have me as his mum especially with the baggage I have and the potential for more baggage to happen if things get bad again.

ill give you some background information. I’m a woman in her early thirties with a disability (sight loss). I’m married to an amazing man and we’ve always wanted to have kids. We’ve been married a couple years. Since as far as I remember I’ve always had to fight to show my worth to people even close family, I’ve been pushed aside and held back from really doing the things I’ve wanted in life, I’ve been let down a lot in my life. I’ve had to deal with trauma after trauma, so many wasted years (most of my 20s were a joke). I’ve had to watch people around me have the life I so desperately wanted while people were telling me “people like you shouldn’t have that, just be happy with what you have” yeah I should be happy for the half life I had in my twenties and not fully allowed to be who I want to be, I should be happy that people just walk out of my life Willy nilly and mess me around. I know I sound like poor me and people have had it so so much worse and for that I’m really sorry. There was times I was planning on ending my life as I just didn’t want this life if it was going to be like this. Things got better 4 years ago when I went back to church, found God and started dating my husband. I know this is an unpopular opinion because of what happened that year but 2020 was one of the best years of my life. Mentally I was the best I’d been in my whole life. Yes still had down days but a lot less of them. The following year me and my husband got married. I thought most of my issues had been put to bed but that was not to be because our families fell out and it spiralled into a big trauma for both of us. I still find myself getting sad and angry when I think back to it. Back then I got burnt out due to constant stress and trauma. Couldn’t function properly for 6 months afterwards.

things eventually settled down although they sometimes bubble to the surface again. They have been the calmest they have since before that agro started. Me and my husband decided early this year that now it is the right time for us to have a baby so we tried and I got pregnant in June. We were so happy about the news but had our worries of the trauma from our families fighting coming back which I pray doesn’t happen.

now I’ll get into the reasons why I think it was maybe selfish of me to bring a baby into my life.

1. my eyesight while not completely blind I have severe sight impairment. I could still look after a baby and do most things for them. Some things may take longer to learn. My main issue is getting out and about on my own. I’m ok in familiar places especially if there isn’t much of a crowd but my husband drives so we can still do family days out. If I’m taking the baby out in town to meet a friend I would either need to get a taxi or a lift which is fine but if I needed to get out and none of my friends who can drive were free to take me out or I was meeting a non driver friend I worry about the wait times of taxis disrupting the routine of the baby and having people judging me if the baby is screaming and I’m stressed trying to get a lift. also when he’s older I worry he’ll miss out on a lot of things he wants to do because mummy can’t see very well or he’ll get bullied etc.
2. if the families fall out again. My family would expect me to struggle on with the baby on little sleep which makes my eyesight and migraines worse and if my husbands family help or anyone they don’t like help then it’s a big issue and I’m the worst in the world. That leaves me with friends and while I’m lucky to have a few good ones I can’t constantly rely on them if the baby is hard work. Yes I’ll be the main caregiver alongside my husband but I know I’ll need regular breaks and support. I have had countless people say they’ll be there but when it comes down to it they aren’t. I worry about getting burnt out again if fighting happens and that wouldn’t be good for dealing with a baby. I could see myself getting pnd if this happens.
3. we live in a small house and while I’m so grateful to have a roof over my head I fear it’ll get really cluttered and I’ll be stuck in the house with little to no support and my marriage will suffer. I’ve always said to myself that If something happened to my marriage and if I had young kids especially If they had any pro I wouldn’t be good enough for them on my own so I would have to put them into voluntary foster care.
4. when I got pregnant I started a new job which I was getting really good at it but due to pregnancy tiredness and worries I’ve been constantly making mistakes and brought up on them. I’ve been less productive and I’ve noticed some co workers talking about me. This has prevented me from bonding with my unborn son and made me resent him in a way which I wish I never felt that way.
5. I worry my son will get a severe form of autism or learning disability as these particularly autism and adhd run in mine and hubbys families. Hubby has mild autism, I also have adhd which makes all these thoughts worse as it’s so much harder to focus and get rid of them thoughts. If I had a child like that I know there’s no way I’d be able to cope with that and I’d have to give him away especially if I don’t get any support and there’s challenging behaviours involved.
6. I fear losing myself when I have a child and not getting the chance of doing the things I love for a long time. Being able to do self care and go out places is one of the reasons I was able to come out of really hard times. God helped a lot. I fear If I can’t do the things I love then I will develop a severe form of pnd and worse take it out on the baby. I fear I’ll be that bad especially if I feel like crap and can’t do much to make myself feel better.

on one hand I’m so happy about the baby and this new chapter and I wish I felt completely like that especially when my husband feels nothing but pure joy. On the other hand I’m terrified of things going so so wrong and I end up messing up my son in some way and that he’s either stuck with the worst version of me due to lack of support and having to deal with families fighting resulting in an unhappy childhood or in care away from his family and everything he knows because mummy snapped and did something stupid to herself and or abandoned him somewhere.

am I selfish? Should I have accepted 2 years ago that maybe I’m one of those women who shouldn’t have kids? Have you ever felt like that or dealt with anything similar? Please help

I work with people with sight loss and they have every right to have a happy and fulfilling life, the same as everyone else.

You will need support around you - all new mums do. I’d suggest getting out as quickly as possible to baby groups - breastfeeding groups especially - and make new friends who can be a mutual support over these years. Friends with babies will understand your challenges much better than friends without.

I think every mum to be frets that they are not good enough in some way. I was worried that I had a history of depression and maybe having babies was the wrong thing to do. 20 years later and I have three beautiful young women who are my daughters - life worked out!

Your anxiety is natural at this point, but you will be okay - make friends and get support around you, same as any other new mum, and you’ll be fine. :)

I'd go NC with my family and go on and live my best life if I were you op.

but I know I’ll need regular breaks and support.

I’ll be stuck in the house with little to no support and my marriage will suffer.

Your post seems to suggest you will need a lot of support from friends who drive for lifts with the baby and at home, but I’m not sure how realistic that will be. Are these friends people who also have babies to look after? This sounds stressful and not something I would want to be worrying about asking others for.

I would look into investigating and practising using bus routes and also finding reliable taxi firms. Can you claim DLA/PIP? Is there possibility of support through your VI-are you registered as partially sighted? What about paying for a cleaner or mothers help?

You are worrying about a lot of things that might not even happen here - pick things that genuinely present an issue and work on putting mechanisms in place to cope with them, don't waste energy fretting about the unknown.

The big secret of parenting is that NO new parent ever feels truly ready. Honestly, all your DS will care about is that he is loved and o reckon you've got that covered.

No I don't think you are selfish, but it does concern me that you talk of "giving him away" as if that is a reasonable option. For starters this baby has two parents, so surely if you can't cope for any reason, his Dad would take over looking after him? You need to be committed to this, and even if it gets tough keep going. It does get easier as they get older, and you will adapt.

1. Lots of people can’t drive or don’t want to drive. If you get any financial help due to your sight loss then taxis are exactly the kind of expense that money is supposed to help with. Get to know your local taxi firms. Your child as they grow will also have opportunities to go out or socialise without you - for instance even if you don’t need childcare for work you might choose to send him to nursery so that he gets different experiences that way too.
2. Your family are going to have to learn to shut up about your parenting choices. If you need some help and they don’t want to help but your husband’s family do, accept the help from your inlaws. Have you heard of the concept of an information diet? You don’t have to tell your family everything if it’s going to cause you issues. Accept help from your inlaws and don’t talk to your family about it and give super vague answers if they ask direct questions.
3. You’re not going to let your house get cluttered because you need it streamlined to avoid bumping into junk on the floor or sifting through piles of unused things to get to what you need. If you have any storage space (attic, big cupboards, garage, basement) then get some large plastic bins in 2 different colours. One is for outgrown toys and clothes, one is for too-big toys and clothes. Have a clean out of baby’s stuff every 3 months in the beginning and every 6 months later. Outgrown clothes and toys you either sell on/give away or store for future possible siblings, depending on your family plans and your available space. Day to day you make yourself a little system so all baby’s clothes and toys have spaces to be put away and you don’t get overwhelmed.
4. On maternity leave you won’t have to think about stupid work politics. Bonding is a process and happens at different moments for different people. Sometimes it happens weeks or months after baby is born, often when baby starts smiling and interacting.
5. Have you heard of the phrase ´don’t borrow trouble’? Worry about your child being neurodivergent if and when it happens, not before.
6. Take your baby with you to church :) Most have Sunday school or creche or something for young children - perhaps not for tiny babies. If your church doesn’t then suggest they set one up. Make a deal with your partner to keep a regular slot of time open for you to go out and do things you love. Would a weekend morning every week work for example? Tiny babies need feeding very regularly so if you want to leave him from birth for a whole morning you might need to consider mixed feeding or formula feeding rather than exclusive breast feeding. If you did want to exclusively breastfeed you’d just have to start with shorter times away for the first few months.

Your worries are not irrational or unfounded. But neither are they insurmountable obstacles. You already made the decision to have a baby and I think you’re just freaking out now because it’s starting to feel more real and you’re past the point of being able to change your mind. You can’t actually give up your child if they have another parent who is willing to look after them. So if you split up with your husband and don’t think you can cope looking after your child alone then the child would live with him. And you could have contact. You don’t have to be a perfect mother. You just need to provide your child with a safe, loving home where they can learn and grow. And that’s not something any of us do singlehandedly. We often have spouses, partners, family and friends helping. And almost always schools, preschools/nurseries and other organised child-centered activities. Perfect parenting doesn’t exist and good enough parenting looks different in different families. You and your husband will just work out what good parenting looks like in your family.

Hi op, some of your worries are worries that every parent to be has. 'Losing yourself' is a common one.

I think you should set your expectations of your family very low, and do whatever you can to avoid relying on them and putting yourself in a situation where they let you down. You're starting your own family now, I think that having a child will put your past troubles with your family into perspective. Your focus going forward is not their squabbles, but building your own family life.

There are two of you involved in raising a child. Your dh will need to step up considerably, but it sounds like you have a good relationship and he'll do that? Part of that I think will be about helping you to find your independence and confidence. When baby is born, can you find some baby groups and could your dh and you do some dry runs to help build your confidence about getting out and about - for example using public transport? Once you've done it a few times, you'll hopefully be more confident. Support should be about helping you build your ability to get out independently with your baby.

Focus on the things you can control or influence. There's a lot of 'what ifs' in life and nobody can say you won't have a neurodovergent child. But as a parent you will make that mental shift, roll up your sleeves, and get on with life - pretty much as you've always done - except your love for your child tends to make you even stronger. If you've weathered a lot of storms in life already, you're actually better equipped than most to raise a child!

If you have adhd, much of your self doubt will come from anxiety linked to it. Can I ask what support you've received/ are receiving since being diagnosed? Organisation is a big part of parenthood. If your skills are relatively weak in this respect, there are strategies you can use. I'm making huge assumptions here, for which I apologise, but they come from a place of understanding the challenges (dd is neurodivergent, ds I suspect has adhd, as does dh). For our ds, we use Alexa reminders a lot, which I would think could be quite helpful for someone who is also partially sighted.

Many of your worries are very normal, op. Some of them though are rooted in your own anxiety and relationships with your family. I think if you address the things you can control, you'll feel much better.

You can do this!

It sounds like a combination of elevated anxiety and effects of past trauma on self-esteem. Honestly, I think getting some counselling is the best option at this point.

You don’t say much about your husband. He was presumably involved in planning the baby and thinks the two of you can manage. I wouldn’t bank on any particular support from friends or family, they don’t owe you anything and you don’t want to set yourself up for disappointment.

Thinking you can just give a baby away is a very worrying thing to think never mind say. Have you discussed any of this with your husband? Are you getting perinatal mental health support? These are things you really need to discuss with professionals. You say you’re worried about PND but it sounds like you’re already suffering from anxiety and depression. Please be honest with your midwife.

You are not selfish at all. With the proper support you'll be as capable a mum as any. I needed a lot of support due to PND and autism and I feel no shame about that.

Would adult social care be available to you? It might be worth checking if there's anything in your area.

If your DH's family are wanting to help, accept it! And go NC with your family if they kick up a stink. If you're prone to overanalyising and spiralling thoughts you need positive and nurturing people around you. Anyone who triggers anxiety and feelings of low self-worth are to be avoided when you are in the vulnerable position of just having had your first baby.

If you are registered as partially sighted, you should have a social care assessment which can establish what help you might need. Definitely find out about local transport-bus and train routes, trial taxi firms. Get a suitable light buggy that collapses easily to get it onto the bus. Get a cleaner.

I wouldn’t be asking or relying on fighting families or friends with young families for lifts/help around the house.

I also find repeated mentions of giving a child away very worrying, and think you need to get support from a midwife or health visitor. It’s really not an option, but in any event- as someone further up said, don’t borrow trouble.

many of your worries about losing yourself are completely normal. I think everyone worries about how they will cope, and this is a very normal time for those worries to surface.

i Would think you’ll have support from your church won’t you? Every church I’ve been involved in has been very supportive of mothers and babies.

I had a disabled mother, in a wheelchair and chronically ill. I had a wonderful childhood, and I miss her every single day.

Are you able to go out on foot alone? If you and baby can go out for a walk, to the shops or local baby groups with you pushing a pushchair or using a sling that would give you a lot more independence.

Hello, I also go to church and started dating my husband in 2020 so I also feel like it was a great year for me too!
Whilst all your feelings are completely valid, also try to remember that during pregnancy and the postpartum period your hormones are doing crazy things and it can really make everything seem more overwhelming and crazy. I also went through phases during pregnancy where I had very anxious thoughts etc.
Like someone else mentioned churches usually run baby and toddler groups for free or a very small contribution, so hopefully yours has one, or another local church may have one you could go along to - even if baby is too young to play it’s still nice to go and meet other parents.
Also, hopefully your church family will be a great support for you. I know most churches will rally round and provide a couple of weeks of meals once baby is born and there’s always people who want to help out. I would encourage you to really reach out to your church friends and/or leaders because that is what being part of a church is about.
Also, your community midwife and health visitor etc should listen to your worries. Make sure you tell them all of this. I promise you they will have heard much much worse things before, and will just want to provide the best help for you. I broke down at one of my baby’s checkups and immediately was given help so it’s so worth just being open and honest with them.
It’s so hard to not be anxious about things that we can’t control and are in the future. We tend to dwell on what could be the worst outcome. Please try to focus on what a blessing this baby will be to you and your family. And please know that you are not being selfish.

As a mama to a 2 year old girl...I felt this almost exactly, still do sometimes!
Your disability I cannot really comment too much on as I cannot say I struggle with it myself. However, if you are worried about outtings...well...let me put your mind as ease and tell you they will be few and far between (in my case anyways). However, when I do go out I also rely on cabs, buses, or any other public transit (I do not drive). I have a car seat that I store at home and just take it with me and put it in the cab! Because using public transit has been a norm for me there has been no shift in travel so I knkw how to plan, what to take, etc.... so it's not even remotely an issue.
For your family....well...my daughter is 2....my mom has taken her for one overnight and has only ever watched her fkr 4 hours TOPS but usually the visit lasts for 2 or 3...and the visits are rare. It's not fantastic, but it is what it is. You just learn to cope and figure stuff out!
And as for the other stuff....my daughter is 100% exhibiting signs of ADHD and there are a few things she does that makes me curious whether she is somewhere on the spectrum or maybe is just unique! At this point it's nothing sufficient enough tk worry about getting her tested - but if it was, then that's it. It doesn't change anything. You just continue being a mama and pushing along making sure your kid is getting what they need!
Lastly....I'm a single mom. Receiving NO support from her dad (due to a significant illness). Besides her one overnight, I have watched her every single night since she was born...I have watched her, bathed her, fed her, played with her whole we live in my tiny 1 bedroom plus den apartment!
And you know what...she's happy! We go tk the park, we splash in the bath...is it crowded? Ya. But nothing crazy!

You adjust! You will adjust! We all go through it, and you may lose yourself. I know I did, much Luke many others have....but when you find yourself, when you get to look back and see how much you have accomplished and this amazing little person you have formed...you will never be happier.

Parenting is HARD so just remember that you are STRONG. ♡♡

I think you need to talk to your midwife about your state of mind.

Do you really think you'll hurt your child, or are you just imagining the worst thing that could actually happen?

You say DH is a good man but talk about the child going into care if you split up? Or if he's not a perfect baby having to give him up. Where's DH in this?

It sounds like you may be suffering from antenatal anxiety - please talk to your midwife! It's very common and not discussed as much as PND.
I use the bus a lot with my little ones and it is great. No one minds noise. Start with a baby carrier or sling and it is super easy. Much easier than trying to drive with a screaming baby!
Your church will help - ask them! I go to a variety of church based playgroups almost every day. They are free or cheap and a wonderful thing. The people at the playgroups can help with advice and be an extra pair of hands for a bit. Your church may be able to help more with meals etc. They prayed for me and the baby when I was pregnant and anxious and that helped me so much.
Until the baby arrives you won't know how you'll feel about a lot of things. But take things in stages ... Small babies needs good, sleep and love :)

I know genetics is a total lottery but I am autistic and my husband has ADHD yet we've managed somehow to produce an NT child.

I do understand your fears however as I'm pregnant with our second and still have the same worries. .

Towards the end of this article there is a moving part about how her child has adapted to her parents disability. Your post made me think of this article, once I reread I saw its actually very different, but sharing anyway in case any part of it resonates (I know it's a different religion, but could still resonate) https://www.chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/410450/jewish/Tehilah-Our-Answered-Prayer.htm

Hi sorry for the late reply. Thank you so so much for all your supportive replies they mean a lot. I’m going to reply to you all individually soon but for now I’ll just reply all together.

yes I think I’m letting myself get overly anxious over a lot of things some I can control and some I can’t. I know I need to do something to help calm this anxiety down as it’s not one bit healthy for me and baby. I think what makes me more anxious is the extra challenges that I’ll face with parenting due to my disability and the worry of things getting bad again with the families. I don’t have good tolerance for stress as it is and when that crap kicked off 2 and a half years ago it really caused me to have very little tolerance for stress. Also because it was prolonged it caused me to burnout and be that much in a dark place I had to seek counselling 3 times during the following 18 months. If that ever happened again I know it’ll be disastrous as I wouldn’t be able to do the things I did back then to distract myself to make things better that I could see myself doing something irrational. I think with the right support from both families (drama free) and friends I will thrive as a mum and my family will be a happy one. I don’t tell my family everything because it’s easier that way to avoid any potential drama and for a quiet life.

my husband is an amazing man and he will be hands on with our baby. I do worry about any trauma happening when the baby is born because when it happened last time he was thrown into a really bad place and I don’t want that for him. I want him to have breaks too and still be able to do the things he enjoys. I want to still have the occasional child free date night with no guilt from my family. Even though me and my husband would never divorce as we have a really good relationship I worry if really bad added pressure on top of having a newborn occurs and the unthinkable happens then I would need to give that child up to foster care as it’s not fair on the baby if they’re brought up around their grandparents fighting and their parents too depressed and stuck in the middle to properly be there for them. Yes we are putting boundaries in place and we pray that they will be adult enough to not fight and to do what’s best for their grandkid.

I am receiving pip for my disability which is a big help and I’m so grateful for. I had problems with universal credit and I worry about not receiving the child element as we don’t get anything from them. Hubby works part time and earns a decent wage. I work one day a week but not entitled to smp so when I’m on maternity I’ll need to fight to get what I’m entitled to. Cost of living with a baby worries me as I want to give my child a good life and I worry not being able to do that on top of anything else happening. I’ve used the buses before but really need to learn routes. I can take baby out for walks on my own and could take them in a taxi to meet friends. My eyesight is really bad at night and I’m not great in unfamiliar places and crowds so I prefer having people with me.

my church is amazing support and they run mums and tots groups where I can take my baby to. I’ve volunteered there in the past. I know a lot of supportive good people there too.

i will be letting in laws look after baby from time to time to give me and hubby a break but I’ll not run to tell my family as it’s my baby not theirs.

the thing about losing myself I worry about is not getting me time when I really need it. Not being able to do the things that make me feel good like going on walks, going to the gym, meeting friends for coffee and shopping, getting my hair done, doing my tan and makeup, going on the occasional girls night or date night, filming YouTube videos etc I could make time to do them which I will but I worry people will judge me or put me down for doing that and call me a bad mum but at the end of the day every parent needs a break so to stop resentment from setting in. I know for a fact If I couldn’t do those things or I’m ridiculed for it then I would really resent my baby especially if they were colicky or a hard baby and especially if the families were to fall out again. Also postnatal depression really scares me and this would most likely happen if the bad stuff happened again.

sorry if I’ve missed anything else out just let me know. Thanks so much again

Bump

OP, giving up your baby to foster care because of a divorce is not a thing. Divorce can be stressful for kids, but going to foster care and being separated from their family is even more stressful, which is why it’s only done when kids are in real danger if they stay with their parents. You are going to be your baby’s favourite person in the whole world (it might switch to Dad after a while, but mum is always the favourite for really tiny babies). Babies need so much attention that they are an excellent distraction from other life stressors. You won’t have as much time to yourself but that’s ok and you will still be able to make some time for yourself without your baby, just less of it.
You’ve got some good support systems in place with church, friends and (imperfect but wanting to be involved) family on both sides.
You’ve got this.

Sweetheart, you deserve your happiness and your baby just as much as anyone, and way more than some, honestly.

All mums to be have worries. It's a big thing to have a baby! You will work it out. If you need support, just ask. Sounds like your DH is a good one. Very best wishes x

I worry if really bad added pressure on top of having a newborn occurs and the unthinkable happens then I would need to give that child up to foster care as it’s not fair on the baby if they’re brought up around their grandparents fighting and their parents too depressed and stuck in the middle to properly be there for them

The unthinkable - do you mean divorce by that? You are catastrophising to the extreme here. I'm sure your marriage will be fine, but even if you do divorce - ok? It will be ok. Divorce is not unthinkable, it's very common. Not great, sure, but lots of things on life are not great. The chain of events you've made up in your head is not remotely close to reality. It will be ok.

Also - your baby will not give two hoots about your parents being dickheads. Do not give them the space to affect you - very much easier said than done, I know. But if your in-laws will be supportive and your own family won't, then prioritise your relationship with your in-laws.

Churches/church communities can be a great source of practical support.

Not RTFT, but has anyone mentioned homestart? See if they're in your area, they can help mothers with disabilities.

And finally, I am the child of two parents who are not exactly the picture of mental wellness (and a child of divorced parents no less! 😉) ... I'm a happy, well-adjusted woman who's done well in life and now raising children of my own. The less said about my dad the better lol, but my mum is my absolute best friend, and I know she would go to the ends of the earth for me. I wish she were better for her sake, but she's an amazing mother - judging from how thoughtful you come across in your posts, I'm sure you will be too

Not being able to do the things that make me feel good like going on walks, going to the gym, meeting friends for coffee and shopping, getting my hair done, doing my tan and makeup, going on the occasional girls night or date night, filming YouTube videos etc I could make time to do them which I will but I worry people will judge me or put me down for doing that and call me a bad mum

OP, nobody has a right to call you a bad mum for doing things to improve your quality of life and mental health. I myself grew up with a mother who always had a diverse set of interests and hobbies. Not only has she not given up on them when I was bourn but she also included me in them. We went to theatre and ballet, we did sewing, knitting and drawing together. I went long-distance cycling with my dad every summer from the age of 9. We also spend a lot of time at home because money was really really tight. And that was also fine because we always had things we could do without leaving the house.
Now, my partner and I are still spending a lot of time doing our own thing. We both go to the gym 5 times a week, I do art in my spare time, a lot of reading. Sometimes our kid wants to join in, sometimes she doesn't. But I promise you she is better off for having parents with diverse set of interests and active lifestyle. We are setting a good example for our kid.
Are we judged by others as being selfish and not giving up every minute of our day for the sake of our kid? I bet we are. But we would have been judged either way because you can't please everyone. And, frankly, it's none of people's business if you want to go and have your hair done or film a YT video. It doesn't make you a bad parent.