Was I selfish or wrong to have got pregnant?

[NewbieToThis]

Hi im so sorry if this comes across the wrong way especially to all you who are desperately ttc. I know how lucky I am to be nearly 6 months pregnant with a healthy baby. Thing is my son is not lucky. He’s not lucky one bit to have me as his mum especially with the baggage I have and the potential for more baggage to happen if things get bad again.

ill give you some background information. I’m a woman in her early thirties with a disability (sight loss). I’m married to an amazing man and we’ve always wanted to have kids. We’ve been married a couple years. Since as far as I remember I’ve always had to fight to show my worth to people even close family, I’ve been pushed aside and held back from really doing the things I’ve wanted in life, I’ve been let down a lot in my life. I’ve had to deal with trauma after trauma, so many wasted years (most of my 20s were a joke). I’ve had to watch people around me have the life I so desperately wanted while people were telling me “people like you shouldn’t have that, just be happy with what you have” yeah I should be happy for the half life I had in my twenties and not fully allowed to be who I want to be, I should be happy that people just walk out of my life Willy nilly and mess me around. I know I sound like poor me and people have had it so so much worse and for that I’m really sorry. There was times I was planning on ending my life as I just didn’t want this life if it was going to be like this. Things got better 4 years ago when I went back to church, found God and started dating my husband. I know this is an unpopular opinion because of what happened that year but 2020 was one of the best years of my life. Mentally I was the best I’d been in my whole life. Yes still had down days but a lot less of them. The following year me and my husband got married. I thought most of my issues had been put to bed but that was not to be because our families fell out and it spiralled into a big trauma for both of us. I still find myself getting sad and angry when I think back to it. Back then I got burnt out due to constant stress and trauma. Couldn’t function properly for 6 months afterwards.

things eventually settled down although they sometimes bubble to the surface again. They have been the calmest they have since before that agro started. Me and my husband decided early this year that now it is the right time for us to have a baby so we tried and I got pregnant in June. We were so happy about the news but had our worries of the trauma from our families fighting coming back which I pray doesn’t happen.

now I’ll get into the reasons why I think it was maybe selfish of me to bring a baby into my life.

1. my eyesight while not completely blind I have severe sight impairment. I could still look after a baby and do most things for them. Some things may take longer to learn. My main issue is getting out and about on my own. I’m ok in familiar places especially if there isn’t much of a crowd but my husband drives so we can still do family days out. If I’m taking the baby out in town to meet a friend I would either need to get a taxi or a lift which is fine but if I needed to get out and none of my friends who can drive were free to take me out or I was meeting a non driver friend I worry about the wait times of taxis disrupting the routine of the baby and having people judging me if the baby is screaming and I’m stressed trying to get a lift. also when he’s older I worry he’ll miss out on a lot of things he wants to do because mummy can’t see very well or he’ll get bullied etc.
2. if the families fall out again. My family would expect me to struggle on with the baby on little sleep which makes my eyesight and migraines worse and if my husbands family help or anyone they don’t like help then it’s a big issue and I’m the worst in the world. That leaves me with friends and while I’m lucky to have a few good ones I can’t constantly rely on them if the baby is hard work. Yes I’ll be the main caregiver alongside my husband but I know I’ll need regular breaks and support. I have had countless people say they’ll be there but when it comes down to it they aren’t. I worry about getting burnt out again if fighting happens and that wouldn’t be good for dealing with a baby. I could see myself getting pnd if this happens.
3. we live in a small house and while I’m so grateful to have a roof over my head I fear it’ll get really cluttered and I’ll be stuck in the house with little to no support and my marriage will suffer. I’ve always said to myself that If something happened to my marriage and if I had young kids especially If they had any pro I wouldn’t be good enough for them on my own so I would have to put them into voluntary foster care.
4. when I got pregnant I started a new job which I was getting really good at it but due to pregnancy tiredness and worries I’ve been constantly making mistakes and brought up on them. I’ve been less productive and I’ve noticed some co workers talking about me. This has prevented me from bonding with my unborn son and made me resent him in a way which I wish I never felt that way.
5. I worry my son will get a severe form of autism or learning disability as these particularly autism and adhd run in mine and hubbys families. Hubby has mild autism, I also have adhd which makes all these thoughts worse as it’s so much harder to focus and get rid of them thoughts. If I had a child like that I know there’s no way I’d be able to cope with that and I’d have to give him away especially if I don’t get any support and there’s challenging behaviours involved.
6. I fear losing myself when I have a child and not getting the chance of doing the things I love for a long time. Being able to do self care and go out places is one of the reasons I was able to come out of really hard times. God helped a lot. I fear If I can’t do the things I love then I will develop a severe form of pnd and worse take it out on the baby. I fear I’ll be that bad especially if I feel like crap and can’t do much to make myself feel better.

on one hand I’m so happy about the baby and this new chapter and I wish I felt completely like that especially when my husband feels nothing but pure joy. On the other hand I’m terrified of things going so so wrong and I end up messing up my son in some way and that he’s either stuck with the worst version of me due to lack of support and having to deal with families fighting resulting in an unhappy childhood or in care away from his family and everything he knows because mummy snapped and did something stupid to herself and or abandoned him somewhere.

am I selfish? Should I have accepted 2 years ago that maybe I’m one of those women who shouldn’t have kids? Have you ever felt like that or dealt with anything similar? Please help

OP please take what you have posted here and show it to a healthcare professional, today.

You are catastrophising. You are talking about putting your child in care and ignoring posters telling you that won't happen. You aren't able to take on board what posters are saying, you need more than internet posters can give at the moment. Please seek help now, there are perinatal mental health services who can help you.

I spent the first year of parenthood struggling with extreme anxiety, and I so wish I'd got help sooner. I can't get that time back, but you can get help now.

OP I hope you dont mind me bumping this but as your other thread went I just wanted to suggest you access some support now rather that wait until the baby is here.

Postnatal anxiety is very real and I really think you need to speak to your midwife about how you are feeling and about safe sleeping with your pets so they can signpost you to access support. There are lots of agencies who can help you and I think it would really benefit you to get the wheels turning.

Unicorntearsofgin thanks so much for your comment. I think I will speak to my midwife about how I’ve been feeling as all my anxiety and overthinking isn’t good or normal and one thing I don’t want is to have postnatal depression or anxiety. With safe sleeping I’ll figure out what works. I could try to get my dogs to sleep downstairs but because it’s a small house with thin walls they will scream and cry which will wreck my much needed sleep and especially as I have to work and I need my body well prepared for baby it wouldn’t be ideal. If it comes down to it my family could have the dogs overnights. Would be so so nice if I had a bigger house with thicker walls and a back hallway to create a wee den for them. If it wasn’t for this stupid cost of living crisis we would have moved. Don’t get me wrong I’m very grateful for having a roof over me and my families heads but a bigger house or even one with more space and rooms would be much better for us

We have a neighbour who was blind from birth. Her son is now 14 and is very happy and healthy, cheerful and well brought up - we see him regularly taking his mum's guide dog for a walk and he's friendly and gregarious.

His mum worked as a teacher until she had her son. Yes, she's had support that other mums without her disability wouldn't need - so what? I see her regularly down the gym (where I get to say hello to her dog who lies on a blanket waiting for her) and she's living her best life.

Have your lovely baby and be happy.

VickyEadieofThigh that’s an amazing story and I’m so glad she’s done so well with bringing up her son to be a kind boy and she’s living her best life as she deserves too. I find her story inspiring and I plan to do the same.

Don’t expect help from friends, even with the best intentions life can get in the way and it would be a shame to lose friendships because of unrealistic expectations.

Do however accept your IL’s help even though your family doesn’t like it, completely ridiculous that they don’t want you to, none of their business.

The disabled parenting charity was founded by a blind single parent. There's no reason you shouldn't access help with parenting duties through adult social services (you are entitled to have this included in an assessment of your personal care needs) and the charity I mentioned can assist you further. They have a helpline.

The baby is coming, you have a right to your life and your baby has a right to be parented by you. It's not going to be easy but you will manage.

OP.

Anxiety can make even the smallest of issues seem like mountains that you absolutely just can't overcome.

That's what anxiety does to you. It makes you think and often act irrationally. Try to break these issues down into steps and tackle one at a time for example:

Your eyesight - what can be done? If nothing, what can YOU do to make life easier when baby comes. Make a daily route through your home which is completely free of obstacles ect, use noise to guide you, different textures (grip tape, carpet off cuts, lino pathways or even neon celotape walkways that you can see) on the floor that you can feel.

The house - no matter how small the rule of thumb is be clutter free, be ruthless anything you don't absolutely need, bin. No storage space? Put shelving on the walls. Understairs space? Even if it's blocked up, if it's hollow it can be knocked through and utilised as storage. Under bed storage ect. Newborns really don't need as much as people say they do.

Once you've figured out the above, move on to the next problem.

It's easier said than done to manage anxiety, OP. You're going to be a fabulous mother, by the way, so try to cut yourself some slack.

OP I could be way off base here but I get the impression you feel like postnatal depression would be down to some kind of failure on your part and please know it is not! Depression and anxiety can be heightened during pregnancy but none of this means you won’t be an amazing mother. There is absolutely no shame in needing mental health support and you will feel better for it. Don’t suffer alone when you don’t have to.

I totally appreciate with your sight it feels overwhelming but you can do this and if you need help from your midwife or health visitor or sight related support groups that is 100% fine.

Please don’t be scared to access that support and don’t feel like any of this reflects on how you will be as a parent. It’s hormones - mine went haywire whilst pregnant as well and I felt totally detached from my pregnancy. I can’t put into words how much I love them now.

Sending 🌸

You’re not selfish. You’re not going to be a bad mother. You are entitled to a good family life.

it sounds like you’re struggling with depression and anxiety at the moment. I would talk to your midwife - there is support available and you deserve to feel safe and secure in your pregnancy.

if your church is a support to you can you discuss this with the pastoral team?

a baby is such a huge change that it can feel very frightening while you’re pregnant. But there is so much joy ahead of you. You should believe in your abilities - you’ll surprise yourself with how well you adapt.

You talked about not being able to do the things you used to do to manage external stressors like your family falling out - however, one thing it’s worth mentioning you may not realise is that spending time with your child is often a very effective way of making those external factors seem irrelevant. When my one year old is crawling all over and laughing and smiling at me it helps me to be present and relaxed in a way that no gym trip or walk ever could. Children come with their own stressors you need to manage and it’s not all laughter and cuddles, but I personally find they are also amazing at helping you worry less about other stuff.

On the last one- you can ebf and pump milk for your child if you want to leave thsm for few hours