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Original poster

Boyfriend of 5 years says he never wants kids

29 replies

AutumnMeadow25 · 28/11/2023 07:09

I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years, we’re both 26 which I know is young. Topic came up about babies and he said he firmly doesn’t want children and never has.

It really upset me for some reason. I think I took offense to it in a way. I think i want to be with someone who wants everything with me, and I said it freaks me out to think we’d never start our own family.

i definitely don’t want children yet but might when I’m older. Is there way to get past this? I have a sinking feeling now that we want different things.

OP posts:
ThePineapplePrincess · 28/11/2023 07:11

No, there’s no way to get past this. The person who doesn’t want kids always trumps the person who does.

Why haven’t you had this conversation before now?

Gymmum82 · 28/11/2023 07:13

There is no way past it. Personally I would break up now giving you time to find someone who does want children before you are ready to have them

ButterCrackers · 28/11/2023 07:16

You are young and have the chance to meet someone else whose family choices match up with yours. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want kids so I’d say time to move on and meet other people. You’ll find someone who does want a family for sure.

PumpkinSpiceSeason · 28/11/2023 07:21

Every month my heart broke a little and every month he breathed a sigh of relief. That was the two years my husband and I were trying. He had agreed to go along with it for me but was like your BF and infertility kept us from making a mistake together.

We didn't make it.

In our new relationships, I've had IVF. He's had a vasectomy.

NeedToChangeName · 28/11/2023 07:24

No one should have children unless they want to. At least he's being honest with you

You need to choose whether to (1) stay with him and not have children or (2) move on

Please don't hang around hoping he'll change his mind. That's not fair on either of you

KookyAndSpooky · 28/11/2023 07:24

Don't waste your time with this man. You're still young but time goes so quickly. You really shouldn't fritter it away on a relationship that isn't going to work out.

I understand it is hard to let go of someone you love. It is worth really thinking through whether or not you'd like a family before you decide. These big life decisions shape your life and that can make them hard to face, but you should face them head on.

savoycabbage · 28/11/2023 07:27

You do both want different things. You've been together since you were very young.

Mothership4two · 28/11/2023 07:29

Why hasn't this come up before? Quite strange after being together for five years. He isn't trying to offend you, he is stating his personal opinion that he is entitled to have as you are entitled to have yours. I would be upset if you had always expressed your desire to have children and his comment came out of nowhere. If this is your line in the sand, you need to have a serious think about ending your relationship.

RosesAndHellebores · 28/11/2023 07:29

It would have been a deal breaker for me. In fact it was once but only after about six months. A lot has happened in the last 37 years. All far better than I could possibly have expected. The children are grown up.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 28/11/2023 07:33

Sadly there is only one solution to this and that is to go your separate ways. To stay together when you're not on the same page with something as huge as this will only end in years of regret and resentment. Rip the plaster off now and move on. You are young, don't waste these years.

letspopthekettleon · 28/11/2023 07:37

Break up now. I broke up with someone for similar reasons in my late 20s. Is still took me until age 33 to meet, move in with and start trying for babies with the 'right' person. Plus another few years to actually get pregnant. Don't waste your precious time, it goes by quicker than you think.

Shoxfordian · 28/11/2023 07:37

If you do want children then you should end the relationship sadly

Chickenkeev · 28/11/2023 07:37

At least he's been upfront and isn't stringing you along while your fertility diminishes. It's sad, but you both want different things. So it might be best to consider parting ways if you really want kids.

DaggerIsle · 28/11/2023 07:38

Mothership4two · 28/11/2023 07:29

Why hasn't this come up before? Quite strange after being together for five years. He isn't trying to offend you, he is stating his personal opinion that he is entitled to have as you are entitled to have yours. I would be upset if you had always expressed your desire to have children and his comment came out of nowhere. If this is your line in the sand, you need to have a serious think about ending your relationship.

My partner and I never discussed children at that age either to be fair.
It wasn't on our radar, I just assumed when we got older it would happen, as a new stage in our life/relationship.

Op's partner was honest and she found out young, at least it gives her a chance to meet someone new, without too much time constraint.
Or she might decide to stay with him and not have children. Either way, she knows what her options are.

Mothership4two · 28/11/2023 07:44

Fair enough @DaggerIsle.

We got together at 19 and 21 and pretty quickly knew how the other stood. My DS is 19 and his girlfriend knows that he plans to never have children. Five years is a long time for the subject not to have come up or for one partner not to have an inkling of the other's take on it.

But, yes, it's a good thing for the OP to have found out now with plenty of time to change lanes and meet someone who is of the same mindset.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/11/2023 07:54

Gymmum82 · 28/11/2023 07:13

There is no way past it. Personally I would break up now giving you time to find someone who does want children before you are ready to have them

I agree. Please don't wait around till you're 35 hoping he'll change and then have to find someone to have kids with then.! There are a lot more eligible single men around at 26 than there are at 35 trust me
From experience.

You can love him and part on good terms now and remain friends

rllrsk8 · 28/11/2023 08:00

I've seen a couple who split up because he didn't want kids and she did. He's now married with two kids and she's travelling the world, married but no kids. Things don't always work out how you plan them! But I agree you can't wait around in case he changes his mind as chances are he won't. So you need to decide if the relationship is worth keeping and that you are at peace with not having kids. If not it might be best to move on sooner rather than later. But don't panic, you're still young, go live your life a little first!

forgotmyusername1 · 28/11/2023 08:03

There are some things you have to agree on for a relationship to work and this is one of them

If you want kids and he doesn't and that is a line in the sand for you then you need to move on. If you stay and are childless you will resent him for it.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/11/2023 08:06

You do want different things, op, and please don't make the critical error of thinking he'll change his mind. You need to end it right now, because from this point forward, all you're doing is wasting your time and your fertility.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 28/11/2023 08:07

No there are no ways out of this. No compromise. Get out whilst you are young and find somebody else.

Buffysoldersister · 28/11/2023 08:20

Do you definitely want a family, or are you freaked out because it feels like he's pushing you into a decision you're not yet ready to make? I would tell him how you feel, that this could be a deal breaker for you and spend the next 6 months working through what you both really want. I didn't know many men who wanted kids at 26, but you can't rely on him changing his mind.

Laurdo · 28/11/2023 08:22

Some men say they don't want kids or marriage but it's just that they don't want it with the person they're currently with. So either was she needs to end it.

My DH was with his ex for 12 years and always said he never wanted to get married. We were engaged after 16 months and married 8 months later.

DaisyDoor · 28/11/2023 08:23

It’s good he told you while you still have plenty of time. If you think you’ll want kids in future, sounds like it’s time to go your separate ways. It’s a shame but there’s no way to compromise here.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 28/11/2023 08:25

Sadly a lot of these men who say they don't want children then get with another partner and have children...2 of my exes did.

How is the relationship generally?

MaraScottie · 28/11/2023 08:27

You need to ask your partner what he'd do if you got pregnant accidently. If he's as serious as he says he is, he'll make sure you're both using a very reliable form of contraception. Last thing you want is to find out you're pregnant and be faced with pressure to terminate, or raising the child alone.

If he is not likely to change his mind, I'd move on, you have time on your side.