Staying a single mum instead.

[emmaxelsie]

Currently I'm a single mum with 5 year old son. He is autistic and I am his carer, we live in a flat and while we used to struggle financially, we are now comfortable.
I've been with my boyfriend for a while, he is lovely and gets on well with my son. But for a while he kept saying how sad he would be if he didn't have his own biological child and he was worried as I said I wouldn't have any kids after 29 (only because I had mine at 20 and don't want to keep restarting the clock on restless nights etc). So now I'm pregnant and obviously we have been looking at moving in together.
He is so excited, but here's my issue. Financially I would be worse off, I would be expected to do most of the Child labour. He works 5 days a week and says he expects me to get a job soon after moving in, but ideally would also like me to do that while doing my doctorate (which I was planning to do before finding out I was pregnant). I would be better off keeping my little one at his school, be financially stable with my own money and not have more pressure on me. He wants me to take just about any job, while he said he wouldn't be willing to give up his job unless I earned WAY more then him. It all seems unfair to me.
So AIBU for deciding to stay a single mum?

Yanbu to do what suits you and your ds best. And this looks like it's best you and ds remain in your current living situation. He doesn't sound like a particularly nice boyfriend, so I'd end that.

What are your thoughts re continuing the pregnancy? Did you choose to get pregnant?

So he expects you to….

• Do all the childcare for two kids
• Get a job
• Complete a doctorate
• Presumably do all the cleaning and cooking too.
• AND be financially worse off.

What is he bringing to the table other than massive entitlement and a bad attitude? Does he want you to wipe his arse too?

I did choose to and I'm not sure about not continuing as believe I can do this by myself, but I want to also focus on my current son. He goes school 5 days a week so hopefully if boyfriend had baby weekends it will all work out.
Despite all this, he genuinely seems like a good person who just has too high expectations of me/low-key women in general. Like better then any man I've met, but sadly still a man.

Why did you choose to get pregnant with ALL of those reasons against it? The time to ask this question was before!

Personally I think you’re going to find yourself in a world of unhappiness and stress. Your boyfriend has unreasonable expectations and a very skewed perception of a partnership already and I don’t feel it’ll improve once his feet are under the table and you’re running around like a headless chicken doing everything, whilst working. Go with your gut feeling.

I knew I'd get one of those "you should of expected this" people on here. Sadly lifes not as simple, we did talk and none of this was said before. Things are different when your faced head on with them. It changed as well due to knowing more about what we could afford.

This doesn't seem a fair situation on your existing child never mind you op.

I’m confused OP… so he’s your boyfriend and you are having a baby together but you want to be a single mum?

I don’t get it… how are you going to afford everything and raise the kids by yourself?

If you are thinking of doing a doctorate, you must already have a degree? So surely you are able to get a fairly well paid job?

Have you not moved in together? I would want to be a little family and ideally bring up my new baby with both parents together. I wouldn’t split that up just so I could do my own thing. Feel like there must be more to this?

How many weeks pregnant are you?

None of it sounds good. Presumably your boyfriend wants to have his own child and to live with that child. You suggest the pregnancy is his idea but that you’d now not live together. What do you expect him to think?

Is it the best thing for your son to have a new baby in the house and you doing it all by yourself?

Is it best for the baby to live with one parent 5 days a week and the other 2?

Is a further qualification the best priority?

It’s hard to work out what you’re thinking with the whole thing tbh. How do you see things going?

Have you considered what happens if he disappears off and doesn’t help at all with the baby? I know you’re a single mum to your son but just checking you’ve considered the possibility that you could be doing everything for both DC?

This is a total no-brainer, OP, surely? Your BF doesn't sound "lovely" in the slightest I'm afraid - he sounds like an absolute shit. Stay where you are (not least because an autistic child needs stability), go for your doctorate as planned and do not put him on the baby's birth certificate.

Is this an accurate summary, OP?

Run! Run! Run!

I wouldn’t even have a child under these circumstances! I’d probably have an abortion tbh

You chose to get pregnant with a man you don't live with. It's pretty daft.

Oh and don’t forget to claim maintenance but be warned if he’s as tight as you say then he’d likely go for 50/50 contact so he pays less!

There is more to this - OP has said that her BF now expects her to work, look after a new baby AND be a carer to her existing son, who is autistic. Regardless of what the ideal/sensible course of action would have been, she's now pregnant and faces a choice between retaining her independence and her DS's stability, or moving in with a man who's been clear that he wants to limit her choices but has no intention of compromising his.

I don't really follow this.

So... You are 25, you have a boyfriend living elsewhere, you didn't want to have a child after 29, this made your boyfriend "sad", and now suddenly you are pregnant and only now starting to wonder about whether you should move in together?

Even by your timelines, you had 4-5 years to plan a pregnancy with this man!

At this point, it's done and I think you're right that moving into his flat on his (ridiculous) terms is a terrible idea. Not least for your son. Stand firm and don't let this man mess you about.

So your son is at school 5 days per week and you don’t currently work. Maybe your boyfriend is just showing his concern that you never plan to work? At present you are funded by the taxpayer. If you move in with him perhaps he is concerned you will be forever need to be funded by him?

It’s not reasonable of him to expect you to work whilst you have a tiny baby, but it is reasonable if you jointly to discuss what the future childcare / working situation both may look like when baby is no longer a baby. You’d need to make a joint decision on what is best for your family unit.

Your BF probably wants you to get a job to cover the benefits you will lose from moving in with him.
In most households 2 incomes are needed.
You should've realised this before getting pregnant.
Can your BF afford to support a family of 4 on one wage?

Which doctorate are you planning to do? It would be really difficult single with 2 kids.

I don't get why you would try for a child with a boyfriend you don't live with, havnt discussed a life plan moving forwards. Sounds like chaos

Not a single adult putting the already existing child first here.

I don’t mean to be unkind but you clearly have not thought about or discussed expectations (on both sides) prior to becoming pregnant. From what you have said you are not currently working, but caring full time for autistic child and either just started/planning to start studying, Unless you are independently wealthy you are likely getting some element of means tested benefits for one adult and one child based on no work. Any child maintenance is disregarded in full. You are saying that instead of living with the partner with whom you planned a baby and maintaining a joint household based on any joint income you instead will stay put and just bump claim up by one child as it suits your personal financial circumstances better. Obviously new baby will rule you out of work/delay your study for a further period. Your boyfriend is unreasonable to expect you to work, study and juggle new baby and five year old straightaway if living together, but understandably doesn’t want to shoulder the full financial burden indefinitely. His current plan is unworkable and is setting you up for failure. You need to have an honest and realistic conversation with him about where it is going, otherwise instead of being “sad” about not having his own biological child he can be “sad” about missing out on living with that child.

So you're pregnant, want to have the baby but also don't want to be with the father? I don't get it, why did you get pregnant?