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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Staying a single mum instead.

37 replies

emmaxelsie · 27/11/2023 21:02

Currently I'm a single mum with 5 year old son. He is autistic and I am his carer, we live in a flat and while we used to struggle financially, we are now comfortable.
I've been with my boyfriend for a while, he is lovely and gets on well with my son. But for a while he kept saying how sad he would be if he didn't have his own biological child and he was worried as I said I wouldn't have any kids after 29 (only because I had mine at 20 and don't want to keep restarting the clock on restless nights etc). So now I'm pregnant and obviously we have been looking at moving in together.
He is so excited, but here's my issue. Financially I would be worse off, I would be expected to do most of the Child labour. He works 5 days a week and says he expects me to get a job soon after moving in, but ideally would also like me to do that while doing my doctorate (which I was planning to do before finding out I was pregnant). I would be better off keeping my little one at his school, be financially stable with my own money and not have more pressure on me. He wants me to take just about any job, while he said he wouldn't be willing to give up his job unless I earned WAY more then him. It all seems unfair to me.
So AIBU for deciding to stay a single mum?

OP posts:

Redruby2020 · 27/11/2023 22:59

emmaxelsie · 27/11/2023 21:12

I did choose to and I'm not sure about not continuing as believe I can do this by myself, but I want to also focus on my current son. He goes school 5 days a week so hopefully if boyfriend had baby weekends it will all work out.
Despite all this, he genuinely seems like a good person who just has too high expectations of me/low-key women in general. Like better then any man I've met, but sadly still a man.

Sorry but saying he's better than any man you've met, well that sets the bar low then, as he is not good either.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/11/2023 23:08

This all just sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Uou can’t possibly do all the things your boyfriend things you’ll be able to do - care for you existing child, for the new baby, have a full time job and do a doctorate. It’s just not possible.

Id stay as you are - I’d never tell someone to end a pregnancy as it’s a very personal choice but it doesn’t sound like a great situation to bring a new child into.

SecondUsername4me · 27/11/2023 23:09

How early into baby's life are you anticipating the dad taking it for full weekends?

Dweetfidilove · 27/11/2023 23:17

Sounds like you’re setting yourself up for a lot of hardship, but he doesn’t sound great either.

I wouldn’t be having a baby with all you have going on, but you’ve overcome struggles before, so presumably will make the best choice for you, baby and older child 🥹.

Hopefully the doctorate produces enhanced financial benefits so the kids aren’t deprived.

Halfemptyhalfling · 27/11/2023 23:31

Think now is a good time to be pregnant as easier to fit a baby round uni than around a job and then as you start your career all the baby stuff will be behind you.

Sounds like moving in with your partner could set you back as you would just be doing dead end jobs for the rest of your life and hardly seeing your children. See where you are after your Phd as that might be a better time to move in with your dp if you are still together and his attitude may have matured by then

Squiggles23 · 27/11/2023 23:47

Is that what he’s saying though @NonWiredNancy ? He’s also said he wouldn’t give up work to look after the kids unless she’s earning more. None of it makes sense to me.

The whole thing makes no sense

JulianFawcettMP · 27/11/2023 23:50

JustTalkToThem · 27/11/2023 21:14

Why did you choose to get pregnant with ALL of those reasons against it? The time to ask this question was before!

Edited

What an incredibly helpful post. Do you think you were being useful or just a smart arse?

CarrotCake01 · 27/11/2023 23:58

You actively tried for a baby with your boyfriend and now you're saying you don't want to move in together because you'll get less money?

How's he supposed to help out and be a father? This is his child too and it sounds like he's trying to be a family. This doesn't sound like a solid family unit to me, I'm not sure why you've planned for this..?

I don't really think I understand what you're asking.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 28/11/2023 01:24

OP, you seem like a very together and intelligent woman, so I'll say this straight:
Do not proceed with this relationship. Co-parent only and live separately. No more romantic relationship. At all.
This man has shown you how controlling he is and it will get worse.

LaurieStrode · 28/11/2023 01:45

Nofilteritwonthelp · 27/11/2023 22:50

So you're pregnant, want to have the baby but also don't want to be with the father? I don't get it, why did you get pregnant?

This. Is it too late to terminate?

Think of the shitshow for your existing child if you are tied to that loser for life. You owe better to your existing child.

flowerchild2000 · 28/11/2023 01:58

So he wants you to take care of your son, go for the doctorate, work, carry on the pregnancy (then care for a newborn), keep house, fulfill all his dreams and desires...wtf!! Try doing exactly what YOU want to do. That's the answer. He doesn't get to tell you what to do. He has no right.

SpaceRaiders · 28/11/2023 02:17

I think you’ll find yourself trapped if you end up moving in with this man.

Do you have any irl support? Can you handle being a single parent to two autistic children? Because the reality is that you may very well have another autistic child and their needs are more challenging the older they get.

Think very very carefully about what you actually want here. This guy sounds like the least of your worries tbh.

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