To confront my 'friend' about his behaviour?

[mayaroseanne]

Hard to explain this but will try:

I dated a man briefly in 2018.

We remained friends after the break-up and it didn't take long for it to morph into a friends with benefits situation, which it remains today. I know the FWB set-up gets a bad rap, but it's mostly a healthy, harmless situation for us both. We love each other a ton, but not in a romantic way.

It's not just sex. We've both helped each other out a ton over the years. My kids adore him, he's always there if I have an emergency and vice versa.

However....

He has an extremely unusual personality that I struggle to explain. He seems to lack empathy and it's hard to interact with him sometimes, almost like talking to someone with a language barrier.

The best way to describe him is 'awkward'.

We been socialising together a lot lately and I have realised that, in social situations, all the awkwardness goes out the window and he turns into this outgoing, enigmatic man, and everyone adores him.

As soon as we're alone again, he goes back into his shell and becomes very introverted. He's like a different person.

Even when we're in a big group, he's Mr Personality to everyone else and still awkward and stand-offish with me.

We went to a friend's wedding two weeks ago and she just called me to tell me how moved she was by what he wrote in their guestbook. It's like bloody Shakespeare. On the rare years he's remembered my birthday, he's written no more than four words in a hastily scribbled card.

I'm a bit tired of it. I can't work out why he's the life and soul of the party around people he barely knows but like an awkward, sulky teenager when it's just he and I, and yet has maintained our friendship over so many years.

Now that said, on two occasions I've accidentally overheard him talking to close friends of mine, about me, and he speaks so highly of me and says such kind things. I was completely taken aback on both occasions. But never ever to my face.

I cannot work this out at all and am wondering if it's worth discussing with him. It's such an odd situation and the only conclusion I can come up with, is that, despite the longevity of our friendship, he actively dislikes me and is using me for sex.

I don't think this is the case but I can't make head nor tail of it otherwise.

Maybe he's putting on a show to the crowd and feels able to be himself with you.
I would talk about it with him and see what he says.
Good luck!

I don't think your conclusion is correct. I think either he has the benefit of alcohol or something to lubricate him in these social situations which means he comes across differently. Or perhaps he puts on an act with these other people and this awkward guy is who he truly is.
I think if he didn't like you at all he wouldn't keep in touch and help you in the way he has. And why would he say those lovely things about you?

The question is ... which version. Of him do you prefer?

It's easy to be charming in small bursts.

Hard to sustain long term.

I'd guess they're getting the act and you're seeing the real him.

Why do you need to ‘confront him’?

Just have a conversation.

It sounds like he has good social energy with other people, but that it wears out and he is then exhausted by it. With you, he doesn't need to put on a mask. Alcohol probably helps him loosen up though.

But, you know, you don't have to stay friends with anyone if they aren't nice to you.

Could it be that he does not want to give you the impression he wants more than friends with benefits? As he does speak highly of you when he thinks you can't hear.
Perhaps speak openly about current arrangements, maybe he needs to understand that you will not take it the wrong way if he is kind or loving towards you.
Maybe he does find it a confusing situation.

On the rare years he's remembered my birthday, he's written no more than four words in a hastily scribbled card.

He knows he doesn't have to make an effort with you to shag you.
Sorry.

Throw this one back, mate.

It's not a no strings FWB situation it's a muddled mess.

Yeah you've got a confusing relationship and I suspect he likes you more than you like him.

I think he's masking with others and relaxes when he's with you.

I think he's comfortable enough with you to be the real him.

I go to parties (dread them) and am smiling and social and make small talk and do all the right things, but I'm always glad when I've played my role and can go home and be myself. But then, I suspect I may be autistic and I'm really good at masking.

Can you talk to him about it?

I know the FWB set-up gets a bad rap, but it's mostly a healthy, harmless situation for us both. We love each other a ton, but not in a romantic way

Yeah, right!

If you didn't have romantic feelings towards him, you wouldn't give a shiny shite.

Why would he make an effort when he know you will shag him anyway?

As many other posters have said, I suspect he is able to put on a ‘show’ in short bursts in social situations but then relaxes and is able to be himself with you as he trusts you. I can be like this - the life and soul, but at home with my DP I can be quite quiet. I find social situations enjoyable but also somewhat stressful and feel pressured to be a certain personality. It can be exhausting. I’ve suffered in the past with my mental health and when people found out they’re always completely shocked as I come across so confident and lively on the outside.

I agree.

My dh does this. Can hardly squeeze a conversation out of him at times. But in a social situation he can turn the charm on and everyone says how great he is. At home he's very reserved and quiet. Hes neurodivergent. Not saying that's the reason with your friend. But maybe

I think the fact that you don't just describe him as shy, but as a grumpy teenager is telling - I don't think it's a case of him being able to relax with you and not others, I think it's a case that he feels like he doesn't have to be nice to to you, which is a bit insulting? He's deliberately awkward and standoffish with you, even if you are in big groups? I would find that a bit of a red flag tbh, why does he think you arent deserving of getting his good side?

My gut instinct is that he's a narcissist.

I have ADHD and am exactly the same, life and soul in a crowd awkward af one to one. Also useless with remembering dates. I'm massively empathetic but won't show it.

Sounds neurodivergent to me - masks in social settings, relaxes when he's with you. My elder son is autistic and can be the way you describe.

If that is the case, my experience with my son is that you have to be very blunt and direct - no use hinting or suggesting or nudging because it won't be heard the way you think. Also he takes things very literally, so be careful how you phrase things!

I’m autistic and used to have a ‘social situations’ mask just like what you’re describing. The real me is quiet and awkward, nothing like what I presented as in public with a few drinks in me. My first thought was that he might feel safe around you so he doesn’t have to fake this big social persona.

I'm confused as to why you care? If it's a FWB thing that is mutually convenient, isn't it just supposed to be that? Nothing deeper or complicated or worth analysing.

Or are you more attracted to his "temporary personality" and would actually want to pursue something more serious if he was like that all the time?

Because I'm a person with self respect and I don't want to be sleeping (or spending time with) someone who doesn't treat me well?

I wondered about this, and if he was masking behaviour and feels more comfortable with me.

I don't have a preference for either version, assuming his strange behaviour with me
Isn't a reflection of a lack of respect for me.

An introvert can muster the energy to act extroverted when they feel the pressure to. It's very exhausting. Similarly, a person with ASD can mask for short durations and it's also exhausting. It could be a number of other things like this. I'm sure he's aware of it on some level, whether he suspects a diagnosis or just knows he's a bit different. There's nothing wrong with talking to him about it, I'm surprised you haven't already. He probably feels comfortable around you and doesn't have the need to mask around you.

I am like this and life and soul of the party and people are attracted to me and think I’m friendly but I find it exhausting and am not like that really.