How was it being a first-time Mum over 35?

[Gaia789]

I'm a few months off 33, my partner of 4 years says he wants to have children, however won't commit to a time frame in which to have them so I'm trying to find the courage to leave.
If I ever do meet someone else who wants to have a child with me I suppose I'll be looking at 35 earliest before my first child if not later.
I know there are many women who had their first child over 35 and that the risks aren't as dramatic as people make out after this age.
It's scary to wonder if I'll ever have one, I make around 30k a year so I'm likely not in a position to be able to go it entirely alone.

It can be great. I had my first at 39, second at 40, now 44. Together 10 years before we started trying. We, like all parents, are super tired all the time but we are able to keep up with them, had the stability that makes a lot of headaches go away and were absolutely both ready when we had them. A good partnership where we do things 50/50 really makes a difference.

I had my first (and only) at 36 and the baby/younger years were absolutely fine. Lots of similar aged mums at the school gates or on the footie side lines.

His teen/exam years clashed with elderly parents needing significant support, and menopause symptoms which was tough as I felt pulled all ways, but we both survived!!!!

35 is assuming (maybe very wishful thinking) that I happen to meet a partner aged 33 and they'll want to conceive after 2 years. That may very well not happen! It's scary tbh.

Had mine at 36 and 38, totally straightforward, both home births, no drama. They were both really shit sleepers though, we're taking basically 5 years of sleep deprivation which nearly broke us both. I do wonder if I'd have coped better with that in my 20s.

Thank you for your answers and glad to hear how it's all worked out!

Sorry to hear about the sleep:/
If my partner could give me a time frame it would be easier. He can't guarantee that we'll conceive when I'm 35, he may or may not be ready.. I understand it's not an easy thing to decide, but it's just too risky for me.

I had mine at just turned 35 and almost 37, so a fairly small age gap. It's been great so far. (They are still small.)

Don't let this man waste your fertile years.

If my partner could give me a time frame it would be easier. He can't guarantee that we'll conceive when I'm 35, he may or may not be ready.

After 4 years your partner should be able to say with conviction if you are "the one" or not. Has marriage been discussed, if he is not discussing that either then time to force the issue. Tell him that is what you need and if you cant get it with him you will regrettably need to look elsewhere.

I'm sorry you're going through this, what he is doing is deeply unfair.

I had mine at 35, 38 and 40 (my DH was 40, 42 and 44). I'd have preferred to have my first one 2-3 years earlier but had a few fertility struggles to start (would have had these at any age). But honestly, it's been great. The first time I noticed I was a bit older was with my last baby but only because I had to think a bit more about birth options being 40+ (but ultimately that was my easiest pregnancy, birth and baby).

I was 36 when I got pregnant with DD (my only child). It didn’t take long for me to get pregnant (maybe 5 months, but OH was working away..so 🤣)
It was fine, the birth was tricky (foreceps assisted) but she’s been a doddle since (except she’s crap at sleeping 🤣)
Zero regrets at leaving it until I was that age, personally I wouldn’t have been such a good mum in my 20s/early 30s, as I hadn’t got my shit together

He wants to find a better job first, maybe retrain, etc. And I absolutely do understand that. I'm not saying to him we have to conceive NOW (it may not happen anyway).
I asked him to commit within the next year or two. He earns a bit less than I do and doesn't think we'd cope financially, however I think we do and we have support. It's something we cannot agree on.
However he's never said anything like 'I'd love to have kids with you ' and I think you can just sense that excitement if someone does want that.

I feel guilty saying this but I can think of many people who got engaged after roughly 3 years (or longer if they met very young) married the year after, kids in the year or two that followed. It doesn't mean their lives are better or that they're happier, I am happy for them but it does hurt to see that it all just 'fell into place ' so to speak.

They were with people who wanted to marry them, so things happened quickly.

You’re in your thirties. It’s been four years. He hasn’t proposed and fobs you off.

Every passing minute you spend with him is time knocked off finding someone who wants to marry you.

If I stayed with my old long term boyfriend I’m sure we’d be still together and ‘happy’, but I’d be unmarried and broody. He liked me and fancied me and liked living with me- but tbh wasn’t that into me.

I was a young mum at 21, but my mum was 35 having me and 37 with my sister. She had no issues at all with childbirth or anything else and we had a good childhood.

My dad however said that having 2 teenage girls and a menopausal wife in the house at the same time was no picnic!

I’m about to have my first at 42, so far so good. I left a 13 year relationship due to similar reasons to you… I never quite felt like the other person REALLY wanted to be with me and did drag his heels about a lot of things. I met my current partner and it felt completely different and here we are. Not what I would have planned in terms of my age but actually it’s very common now for people to have babies in their 40s. Basically, put children aside for now and ask yourself- do you want to be with him for the rest of your life?

I had one at 37 and one at 39. They are grown up now.
DH and I had been together 18 years before we had them so couldn't be compared with having children in a new relationship.
I do however have two clise friends who got to 38 before having children simply because they hadn't met anyone. Both then had three children very quickly. All grown up now. It worked for them. Late 30s is no problem for looking after children as long as you don't hit fertility issues.

I had my first at 35 and had a pretty easy and straight forward pregnancy. I also worried about how long it would take us to conceive, but we started trying in May and I was pregnant by July. Don't worry too much about your age, there's women well into their 40s still having perfectly healthy babies. But at the same time don't let this man waste your time if you feel he isn't committed to having children with you

It's honestly been lovely so far.

I had DD at 39 and DS at 41. Trying for DC3 now at 42.

First and only at 38, no problems whatsoever. Met DH at 34, married at 36, has ds at 38. Wanted another but I mc’d after ds and went into menopause at 40!

I wanted to be pregnant by age 30 (having married at 26), but fertility issues put paid to that and I ended up having first at 35 and second at 37 (naturally, after failed IVF).

No issues with childbirth or raising them. First DC was a fantastic sleeper but second could exist on a 10 minute nap and was exhausting.

They're 22 and 24 now and we're closer than ever. It's not too old to be having your children OP.

I know this isn't what you asked but, I had my first in my late teens then two after 40. I found it so much easier as an older Mum. Obviously, It's different for everyone though.

I was where you, when I was 35. In fact, I was married, but unfortunately to a man who changed his mind and couldn’t commit to TTC. After much deliberation, I left him, filed for divorce, and had to block him as he tried to love bomb me into coming back. But I didn’t trust him at this point, and I’m glad I followed my instincts (and my friends v.good advice, who all told me to move on).
A year later I met my now husband. Had my first baby at 38, and second baby at 44. The first baby was hard, we didn’t get much sleep, the second baby was really easy, we got off lightly, especially considering my age.
Put yourself first, seriously.

Great! Struggled to get pregnant mind but had a straightforward pregnancy.

35 for me...It really hasn't been an issue for me. I don't feel my ages tbh (still feel 25😂) and no one mentioned my age to me. Never cropped up during pregnancy and I conceived within 3 months. Can't say if I'm more tired than a twenty something as nothing to compare and parenting is generally tiring anyway ha

I’m only 5 days in aged 37, but we have the money, maturity and life experience to manage everything. We’ve been together 17 years and travelled and partied extensively. We have retired from playing rugby. We do have a trip with baby planned for April.

Even one year ago, we wouldn’t have had the money and security to do what we’ve done.

A bit tired but I just remember the all nighters we pulled as students and when we were partying back in our 20s. We are now enjoying this new phase of our relationship and don’t feel we are missing out.