How was it being a first-time Mum over 35?

[Gaia789]

I'm a few months off 33, my partner of 4 years says he wants to have children, however won't commit to a time frame in which to have them so I'm trying to find the courage to leave.
If I ever do meet someone else who wants to have a child with me I suppose I'll be looking at 35 earliest before my first child if not later.
I know there are many women who had their first child over 35 and that the risks aren't as dramatic as people make out after this age.
It's scary to wonder if I'll ever have one, I make around 30k a year so I'm likely not in a position to be able to go it entirely alone.

I had my first at 38, second at 41. Both easy, natural births. Have never felt different or old. My children are now 22 and 19 and I am 61 and we are all very close. And I still don't feel old.
Of course everyone is different, but I think being an older mother is, generally, a good thing!
Wishing you all the best.

I had my first (and only) at 40, having been in a similar situation to you - relationship ended because he wouldn't commit to kids. I was 35 and had been with him 5 years. Met DD's father at 38 and it all fell into place very fast. Got pregnant the following year the first month of trying and sailed through pregnancy. I was the oldest in my NCT group although not by much, but I do remember thinking they all looked a bit fresher than me. DD was a dreadful sleeper though and also very small and fed every hour for the first few weeks, which made tiredness worse. I'd say concentrate on you for now. Ditch your partner - he won't change, and you'll only regret staying with him. You don't know who is around the corner and it could all come together very quickly.

Fine thanks at 38.

I really don't understand why age is an issue when one clearly wants a baby.

Surely you either crack as you would if you were 22 [insert other age as appropriate]

Op it totally depends where you like if your salaries are enough. In the north you'd be fine especially with the nursery help- once that's announced I'd make a decision then.

Have you told him you're considering leaving him to make sure you can become a mother? Do you have other commitment from him like engagement or buying house together?

I had my baby at 35 absolutely fine - the best thing you can do it to start strength training now if you're not already, do Pilates core etc and weights all to protect your back -I barely exercises before getting pregnant and the pregnancy was tough, I prioritize fitness now as babies get heavy quickly!

In your particular case, the baby or your age isn't the issue so much as your uncommitted partner.

No age of birth will fix that.

I had my first at 38 and 2nd at 40 and had no issue conceiving - I was pregnant before or on 3rd cycle for both.

pregnancies were fairly straightforward no major issues and had very straightforward ELCS.

my first was def a shock to the system but I think it would be the same if I’d been 30 tbh…being a mother was whole new life which I walked into…. as everyone says nothing prepares you for parenthood 😅
i felt very ready / prepared and like that I can give my DC pretty much everything I want to be able to give them… which I wouldn’t have been able to do at 25 or 30 as I was too selfish, hungover and poor 🥴

First dd at 35 and second at 39. Ten years on & all is well. They keep us very busy and life is full. I think they probably do help keep you young. They are 10 & 6 now and apart from the odd moment its lovely ages. Tiny babies are hard especially the lack of sleep but it thankfully isn't forever.

He doesn't really want kids, but may go along with it (most men do it because their wife wants them, only a minority are really keen).

Either pressure him into it soon, or look for someone else.

Met when I was 37 and he was 34. Married a year later, first DC born when I was 39 and a half. Second DC when I was almost 42. No problem conceiving.
Horrendous pregnancies both times and emergency C section first time, planned section second time. Neither issue was related to my age, just bad luck.

I hadn’t wanted children until I met my DH and was shocked that I did.
I was fit and healthy with lots of energy once they were born and no problems being an older mum.

I hope it works out for you OP whatever you decide.

I had my one and only at 43. Perfectly normal pregnancy and birth. She's a thriving 3 year old now. We'd been together 14 years before this. We had the attitude of it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't after we got married (which was 5 years before I fell pregnant)

You're inviting confirmation bias here - your question invites answers from people who did have babies after 35, not those who wanted to, tried but failed to conceive. Your easy ability to become pregnant post-35 is quite an assumption.

Generally, if there's no reason to doubt your, or his, fertility so far, you'll probably be ok between 35-39. You can't know that though. And you're far, far less likely to be lucky later. About 2/5 women who try to conceive at 40 succeed. Most don't.

I understand your partner's desire for stability - but that, combined with a clear desire to have children and to do so with you would be a very different thing from just wanting a stable, comfortable life, probably with you, maybe or maybe not with children.

There is never a perfect time to have children.

The sooner your partner understands that the better.

What do you both really want? Together? When?

I had DS5 at 39 and DD2 at 42.
Absolutely the best thing I ever did, they are the light of my life. Perfect, happy, healthy little children who are loved beyond measure. They have a great life with "older parents" hobbies, days out, holidays, we do family stuff every weekend.

As someone who has been in this situation- if it's something you want and he won't commit you have to leave and start afresh. Men can have babies much later than women, don't pussyfoot around it give an ultimatum of a timeframe - and then if he isn't willing to meet that fair enough but he's not for you.

My mum had me in her late 30s. She always told me she was
A: Happy because she got to live her life before.
B: A bit isolated as everyone she knew had already been through it at that point.
She was worried about what she might miss out on, but she has 3 healthy kids and 3 grandkids and seen us through it all. We all love her immensely, she did it as a single mum(not her choice) and she doesn't regret a thing.
So hopefully you won't worry about that imaginary ticking clock and know it will be the right time when YOU feel it is.
And if it doesn't come, know you get a happy life with lots of sleep and a disposable income :)

And don't forget you don't have to get married and have kids in that order - it gives more financial stability but a wedding (if you wanted one) with a baby or children would be special too!

I was 40, it was fine. We weren’t trying, but was a nice surprise.
I needed more sleep in my twenties than I do now.

I had first at 37 very easily but then had to leave exP (no D about it!) and had secondary infertility by the time I tried again at 41. You can get your fertility checked, I love being a mum, wish I hadn't waited for a man, wish I could have had another and a sibling but also very lucky.

Hmmm, earns less than you, thinking about re-training. You wouldn't be the first woman who supports her partner or husband through a PhD /degree/low paid job with training, who finds he then leaves and then has kids with a new partner very quickly. I've seen it happen at least three times. As a pp said, don't waste your fertile years. Does he want kids with you?
Having said that I had my first at 39 and my second at 42, but I had fertility issues. Once I got past 12 weeks, pregnancy was fine and we enjoyed parenthood- once DC2 learnt to stay in his bed all night.

Conceived at 35 and had our little one at 36. No issues with conception and had a straightforward pregnancy and c section recovery. We were together a long time before trying for a baby and have found some things hard due to how long we were used to living just for us, like the constantness of it all I guess. But we also don't feel like we are missing out on anything as our lifestyles were ready for that change. I absolutely would not have been ready to give everything to a baby in the way I now do. It helps massively to have a partner who is an amazing dad, as we don't have much of a village otherwise

Left a boyfriend aged 34 and also felt scared about whether would meet anyone to start a family with. Spent a year having fun and then met someone after and we started trying for a baby after 18 months, conceived first time, pregnancy, birth etc all fine and finding it hardest now with older kids and perimenopause tiredness. Good luck

I had babies at 35 and 37 but was unable to get pregnant again at 40 . No issues with being a mum at that age at all

Also though found perimenopause and teens a tricky time .

I had my DD at 41 and as I don't have other kids I don't know how it would have been if I was younger. I don't have the same energy levels as I did at younger age but I am very content and did everything I wanted beforehand so I don't feel like I am missing out on anything.
There's no point of continuing your relationship if your partner isn't on the same page. Him using money etc as a reason are just excuses. If he wanted a child with you he would be clear about it. It's better to walk away now and you still have time to get the life with kids.