To ask DH to help more with DC

[moijejoue]

I have 3 months of maternity leave left and I've noticed DH is doing less and less with DC. He works full time and leaves the house at 8am and is back between 7.30pm and 9.30pm. The conversation (which quickly turned into an argument) came after he said he can't put DC to sleep anymore as I do it better and it's best for DC if I do it.

He will watch DC while I sleep in during the weekends and if I need to go out or want some time to myself. But that is sort of all he does. Like he will need to be told what times to feed her, be given the food she eats, be told that needs to nap at X time. I've also noticed if we plan to go out, it's always me getting DC ready and sorting out her changing bag and travel toys etc or he hasn't clipped her nails since she was a newborn. So I asked, if he sees something like that that needs doing, can he please do it if he has the chance. Eg. If we're going out and he sees I am getting DC ready, can he sort out her bag..

He said he sees those as my jobs and could I pick up his chores then. The reality is, he takes forever getting ready and he is not doing any chores while I get DC ready. I also said what will happen if I go back to work. He needs to be able to also put DC to sleep and do all the things I do.

He can't cook, so that's up to me. But he will do laundry and vacuum and clean and tidy in general. AIBU?

One of my uncles boasted he has never changed any of his four children's nappies when he saw DH change DC's nappy once. My aunt is a SAHM. In the fight DH asked me if I think my uncle ever did as much as he does or if most men who work full time do as much as he does. He also said he does so much I don't even need to be on maternity leave.

Honestly, you need to have a chat with him about if you do go back to work, what the expectations are, because it sounds like you are storing up future problems. Although I don’t think chores/childcare need to be split exactly in half to the letter, or become too transactional, it does need to be fair.

So during the week, he comes home, you put the baby to bed and then make dinner? He is working incredibly long hours, obviously you are too with a baby so there should be some division of labour at the weekends, but it depends what he’s doing? If he cleans etc and you’re cooking then it’s doesn’t sound too bad? I do get the frustration though about him not noticing what needs doing with your DC and just doing it. That’s annoying.

Are you planning to go back to work?

He's working 14 hours a day..... but doesn't clip her nails,..

The total commute time is 3 hours.

It isn't just clipping her nails. It's everything. Like keeping an eye on her nappies, milk, food, if she's had a bath. He knows nothing about her. Including things like if she's going through a regression or something, she might be extra cranky and ends up frustrated and telling her off but she just needs extra cuddles and patience.

Is he one of those men who deliberately stays working late even though they don’t need to to avoid bath and bedtime? And then claims not to be able to do anything else as they are tired from so long at work.

No I believe him when he says he has to work late

God that would make by blood boil!

My DH worked full time when I was on mat leave and he changed nappies, sorting clothing, did bathtime and bedtime (still does) and fed and washed his children's clothes....why because he's a parent and being a parent doesn't mean just being there in name sake!

Your DH is a lazy arse and clearly is showing his contempt at not wanting to step up and be a parent!

Simply put if there are 2 parents they should both be helping out to give the other some downtime and support. It's about being a team something your DH is showing zero understanding of.

I just want to cry. I find him so unsupportive. I'm so nervous about how to manage everything once I'm back at work.

We haven't had sex in nearly 18 months now. And when we were having sex he would last not even 15 seconds. He won't see a doctor. He isn't at all flirty and said he feels embarrassed being like that (before we got married he was fine to be a little fun like that). He isn't interested in anything datey or marking our anniversary line he's so over everything. I feel like if we had that we would at least have our chemistry to fall back on but there's nothing.

He needs to step up. I watched the men at work (finance) stay till later and later for no good reason as they were getting married/ having kids. They were doing hours they’d never think to do when they were single and just going out to have fun 🙄

What is the point of him? He tells off a baby in nappies? Why are there so many posts about useless men tonight?! Il se fout de ta gueule!

Are you married to my DH op? 🤔

😣 I feel your pain girl

Did he only become useless once the baby was born?

Can you find an excuse to be away without dd for a weekend? Drop him in at the deep end.

He isn't interested in the child you both made, you said he knows nothing about her and thinks he does enough as is when really he does hardly anything with her, did he even want a child?
He sounds so utterly pathetic and not even aware of his own failings.
He can't even fuck you properly either so what is the point of him?

What exactly does he think is going to happen when you go back to work?
You can't do all of this and work ft either.

He is not pulling his weight at all. Given his issues in the bedroom, if you thought he'd make a better husband once your baby arrived he has disappointed you badly. I think you should tell him you need to talk to him and set a time - then go through your issues. Tell him you want couple's counselling or your marriage has no future. He'll either step up or fold. I can't see you muddling on with this guy as you are. All the best x

It's not about helping you, he is just as much her parent as you are and he needs to know how to do everything you do.

What he wants to do is completely abdicate his parental responsibilities because it's too much effort, which makes him rather shit

Reading your updates makes me sad for you OP. You need to have a proper conversation with him about how you’re feeling.

Is it an office job?

And has he always worked these hours?

My DH and I now firmly do core hours ONLY 5.30 -7.30pm is blocked unless it's an emergency or a prearranged thing and we 9 times in 10 spend that time with our child.
I will work before 7am and after 7.30pm if needed but I am present and with my child 7-8.30 and 5.30-7/7.30.

I feel really sad for you as this must be really hard and disappointing.
I would focus on "big ticket items" (meeting basic needs - nappies, bags, food, water) and not sweat small stuff (nails)

You are not going to have an easy time going back to work, but you 100% need to ideally Full time as if you don't your options when you separate will be drastically reduced.

YABU for saying 'helping'. He should be doing his share not 'helping'.

He actually sounds so awful, what value does he add to your life?

Why does he not WANT to take care of and bond with his children?
Doesn’t he love them?
A decent father surely wants to get to know their kids, bond with them, nurture them, help them grow and learn?
If he doesn’t want to do those things and doesn’t even try then he is a selfish, useless twat. Vacuuming is not a replacement for stepping up as a parent.

I think if you’re at home with the baby every day it’s not reasonable to expect that he knows as much as you do about her or about how to look after her. However in the evenings/on weekends he should be doing SOMETHING to look after her, and by himself (ie. without you having to directly tell him what to do). As a new father he should be making it his responsibility to learn this.

Every post you’ve written about him gets more and more pathetic. An utter deadbeat ‘father’, refuses to cook, 15 second sex. Is this all you want from life?

Yes are you sure he needs to stay late? I have lots of colleagues who while away the time in the office so they miss bath and bed time. Most are open about doing that and they're always men!

Yes he needs to step up but there's no magic answer.

He does 80% of nappies when he's home
Edit: he really really wanted kids as he's 43