Page 2 | To ask DH to help more with DC

moijejoue · 2023-11-27T18:40:53+00:00

I have 3 months of maternity leave left and I've noticed DH is doing less and less with DC. He works full time and leaves the house at 8am and is back between 7.30pm and 9.30pm. The conversation (which quickly turned into an argument) came after he said he can't put DC to sleep anymore as I do it better and it's best for DC if I do it. He will watch DC while I sleep in during the weekends and if I need to go out or want some time to myself. But that is sort of all he does. Like he will need to be told what times to feed her, be given the food she eats, be told that needs to nap at X time. I've also noticed if we plan to go out, it's always me getting DC ready and sorting out her changing bag and travel toys etc or he hasn't clipped her nails since she was a newborn. So I asked, if he sees something like that that needs doing, can he please do it if he has the chance. Eg. If we're going out and he sees I am getting DC ready, can he sort out her bag.. He said he sees those as my jobs and could I pick up his chores then. The reality is, he takes forever getting ready and he is not doing any chores while I get DC ready. I also said what will happen if I go back to work. He needs to be able to also put DC to sleep and do all the things I do. He can't cook, so that's up to me. But he will do laundry and vacuum and clean and tidy in general. AIBU?

KirstenBlest · 27/11/2023 19:52

But he's not home much

gamerchick · 27/11/2023 19:52

He can read, he can cook. You're enabling a lazy arse.

Get out of the mindset that he's 'helping' that's part of the problem OP. You don't help with your own kid.

Riverstep · 27/11/2023 19:53

He works too many hours. Is there no way he can reduce them down so he is home at an earlier time? When our dc were little ( I work 12 hour shifts) I didn’t really do bath time etc when I got in from work as I was knac*** . This could be part of the problem. I think you should talk to your dh.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 27/11/2023 19:56

So he’s not really interested in his own child and not interested in his wife?! Why are you still with him? What are his redeeming qualities besides running his mouth??

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 27/11/2023 20:00

Sounds like he doesn't like either of you very much, which is sad for you and your baby.

Going back to work you need an agreement. Do every other bedtime/bath time. So he can still work late some days when he needs to. Spend some weekends away so he sole parents now and again.

Sadly though, I think you're housemates, not married partners and I don't know how to fix that with someone who doesn't want to fix it.

wendall456 · 27/11/2023 20:08

My Dh was like this. He worked full time and I was SAHM. He pleaded with me to breastfeed so he didn't have to be involved. He only ever bathed the children once. It "was my job" he had no inclination to have another to do with them when they were growing up his dad did nothing with him as a baby and they had a great relationship so he thought that this was the way forward. This was 19 yrs ago and people were completely and totally aghast at what I let him get away with. Never been diagnosed but he is definitely nuero divergent BUT he did ALL the housework, financial stuff, gardening, bins, laundry, maintenance, shopping - my only responsibility really was the children. Our house was constantly clean and tidy, laundry always washed put away and ironed.

kids are teens now and still is exactly the same. I have never cleaned the bathroom and only put a wash on a handful of times. He has never been to a parents evening or school performance but he has spent days on end perfecting the childrens rooms or building a tree house.

I hated having no help back then but looking back it worked for us. I dont think he will ever change and I had to either leave him or accept it. He ahs an absolutely fantastic relationship with my older child but a non existent relationship with my younger one but neither seem to really worry about it. I often think if he was more involved with them when they were little would him and my youngest get on better but he did nothing with my eldest and they are really really close now.

Lampzade · 27/11/2023 20:18

RosyDawn · 27/11/2023 18:53

Is he one of those men who deliberately stays working late even though they don’t need to to avoid bath and bedtime? And then claims not to be able to do anything else as they are tired from so long at work.

This
There are some men who deliberately stay at work late to avoid doing anything at home.
Many of them found the lockdown difficult because they couldn’t lie about working late.

GreatGateauxsby · 27/11/2023 20:27

Lampzade · 27/11/2023 20:18

This
There are some men who deliberately stay at work late to avoid doing anything at home.
Many of them found the lockdown difficult because they couldn’t lie about working late.

Show quote history

Yes I basically asked about job type because in every office I have ever worked in there were two or three guys who would fart about all day and finally start buckling down about 4pm then they’d be there phoning the wife to say sorry they couldn’t help it and they’d be late… again
i remember walking past one guy as I was leaving and he was doing fucking online sudoku to avoid bath time…

absolute losers….

Original poster

moijejoue · 27/11/2023 20:33

I've been such a rubbish mum to my baby today. She's been playing independently for ages at a time today. I am in tears. I let our arguments affect me too much.

OP posts:

Original poster

moijejoue · 27/11/2023 20:36

wendall456 · 27/11/2023 20:08

My Dh was like this. He worked full time and I was SAHM. He pleaded with me to breastfeed so he didn't have to be involved. He only ever bathed the children once. It "was my job" he had no inclination to have another to do with them when they were growing up his dad did nothing with him as a baby and they had a great relationship so he thought that this was the way forward. This was 19 yrs ago and people were completely and totally aghast at what I let him get away with. Never been diagnosed but he is definitely nuero divergent BUT he did ALL the housework, financial stuff, gardening, bins, laundry, maintenance, shopping - my only responsibility really was the children. Our house was constantly clean and tidy, laundry always washed put away and ironed.

kids are teens now and still is exactly the same. I have never cleaned the bathroom and only put a wash on a handful of times. He has never been to a parents evening or school performance but he has spent days on end perfecting the childrens rooms or building a tree house.

I hated having no help back then but looking back it worked for us. I dont think he will ever change and I had to either leave him or accept it. He ahs an absolutely fantastic relationship with my older child but a non existent relationship with my younger one but neither seem to really worry about it. I often think if he was more involved with them when they were little would him and my youngest get on better but he did nothing with my eldest and they are really really close now.

I sometimes wonder if DH is ND. When he works it's like he's lost in his own world. He does do most of the housework, except for the cooking.

OP posts: