To feel reluctant to intervene directly?

[Charliesunnysky10]

My 18 year old son has a stammer which makes it difficult for him to communicate. He's had a good group of friends around him though, which got him through the high school years.

They often went out as a group which he loved, because he could feel involved without being the focus. One girl in the group arranged the events/meet ups and he liked her very much. She said she liked him too, but changed her mind, and he was devastated. He had to go on anti depressants for a while and the girl distanced herself from him, and this prompted other members of the group (while they offered help at the time) to do the same; he was very down for a good few months.

About 4 others are still in contact - they game online but don't meet up - last night he told me they all still meet socially each week as a big group without him.

He told me he is very lonely and wants to be going out, have friends to talk to other than game with, and have a girlfriend. It's tricky as his 16 year old sister is very popular, has parties, (including at our house for Halloween & her birthday last week), a steady boyfriend who is often over and I feel that this is really bringing it home to him, how different his life is.

Also he works at a supermarket and has had to use leave up which has meant he's spending more time home alone. Work only occasionally do socials and he doesn’t feel part of that as he’s so quiet due to his stammer. He said the rejection has made him avoid much contact, but now he feels really isolated.

My husband thinks I should contact the girl (I have her contact details from an old party invite) and gently explain the effect this is having on him as she may not know. But I don’t like the idea – it’s behind his back, and I shouldn’t be getting involved, given his age.

I agreed though that I should be supporting him and encouraging him to join groups, as I would for a lonely Dad or nephew. My husband is good – they go to watch football together and do bike rides. But he needs friends his own age – and we are really worried about him, but don’t know where to start when he is so scarred from this rejection that he won’t take a first step.

Don’t contact the girl. It won’t help.

Is he planning on going to Uni?
Is he having speech therapy for his stammer?

I agree.
He's not going to Uni.

He's had speech therapy in blocks since age 3. He'd need to access the service himself now, and I've asked if he'd feel more inclined to look at therapy to work on self-esteem and confidence, as he has lost faith in conventional SLT; it made him more aware of his stammer, and gave him tips/tricks to mask it - which made him feel ashamed.

OP I agree it’s therapy for his self esteem he needs rather than more speech therapy.

I wouldn't contact the girl - she isn't to blame for his feelings or mental health, and whilst the "liking" each other thing might have been what started his withdrawal, there's nothing she could do now to go back in time and tbh a teenage girl isn't the person to be held responsible for a teenage boys feelings.

It's got to come from him, especially if he's at the age to arrange his own therapy, be that for speech or self esteem. My sister had to have speech therapy for a number of years, she used to be so frustrated! His feelings about being ashamed / aware of his stammer and not liking the SLT teaching ways around it is quite an internalised issue, no teenage girl can fix that.

@justalittlesnoel I agree with this 100% Pretty sure my husband would too, when explained as you have. He just said that she holds the key to him getting back in the group and going out again, but there's no guarantee it would just go back to the way it was.

This seems like a huge overreaction for saying he likes a girl - are you sure you have the full story?

But definitely don’t get involved, and as PP said do not make a teenager feel like she is responsible for a man’s feelings.

You could suggest your son sends her a message to ask if he could come to the next catch up and that he’s moved on / no hard feelings about what happened and that he just wants to be friends now.

I would be absolutely mortified as a teenager to receive a message from a friend's mum listing his MH issues and how I am the one responsible. This seems completely OTT and, honestly, how much street cred will this give him in the friendship group?
Ultimately, he need some social and problem-solving skills so I would consider counselling. That's if he wants it.

I feel your pain. I’d maybe ask one of his most trusted friends in the group or could you talk to one of their mothers who you know?

You’d need a heart of steel not to feel for your son under these circumstances so surely one of the mums might be able to help somehow

I know people are saying you shouldn’t do anything but what can be worse than the current outcome?

Could he text one of them and ask to come to their next meet up?

@PosteriorPosterity I agree - I had asked him what she might be feeling from her perspective as it did sound quite a severe reaction. He said she has long-term depression, anxiety and that can't have helped. Another reason (if I even needed one), to steer clear of involving her.

Are there any support groups he could participate in?

@Quitelikeit He says he has done this a few times over the last year and it's met with no response, or a negative one, which has intensified the rejection. He said she has made out there is more to it, to eliminate him from the friendship group so she doesn't have to see him again. Or she feels there IS more to it - there are 2 or more sides to every story.

Not a good idea to contact the girl.

Friendship groups often fracture at this age with relationships/breaks ups etc.

Best thing to do is for him to have multiple activities so he's not dependent on just one group.

We joined an exercise class as a family. He could also join cadets (st john do first aid if not army or air forces) or look for any kind of leadership activity - venture scouts often will be young leaders for cubs or beavers.

My DD was also on antidepressants and a major reason was that her friendship group rejected her; the trouble is that even if your dh gets in contact they won't necessarily take him back and he might have seriously upset the girl - you never know what really happened.

@Nopenopenopenopenopenope I spent a couple of hours last night trying to find something local for young people. Big barrier (to him) is the stammer as it stops him talking freely (though can with me). He went to the only local stammering support in our city and it was people in their 30's, 40's 50's - they were really nice but not people he can socialise with.

I definitely wouldn't contact the girl. But is there any chance he could re-join the group? Hopefully it's all blown over now and everyone has moved on. Could you help him to contact one of the boys he games with (by helping him word the message etc) to ask if he can come along to the next meet up?

Definitely don’t contact the girl. A similar(ish) thing happened to me with my first boyfriend - when I broke up with him, his mum phoned my mum and my mum gave me a bollocking because she said I’d ruined his MH etc.

It made my already difficult relationship with my mum worse and also made me feel like I couldn’t leave relationships because of how it would make the other person feel (nevermind my own unhappiness!) Cue years of unhealthy relationships and expensive therapy. So yeah, I agree with your instinct to leave her out of it.

Could your son can access therapy to help him with his stutter and also join in some confidence-building activities which have socialising in them but where socialising isn’t the main goal if that makes sense? Sports are good for this.

Also maybe see if some counselling would be welcome? Antidepressants can be helpful in the short term but it might be good for him to talk through the feelings and process them more, especially if you think the fear of rejection is holding him back.

Hell no don't put all this on the girl's shoulders. You son need help.and support to work on his own mental health and start making friendships of his own

@MilkChocolateCookie He contacted the most trusted of the gamer boys to ask and see if things were better and he could re-join and the friend said that she'd said no, it wasn't possible. He said that was crushing and really set him back. He's not wanting to ask again.

I think he needs to move on from the friends. For whatever reason they’re not going to include him until this girl is out of the picture.

He should find some sports friends, work mates, and and other opportunities to meet new friends. Can he pick up a part time job at a place where kids his age work? Outside of school this was where most of my friends came from when I was his age.

@saltinesandcoffeecups Thank you. I liked this idea but he said due to his stammer it's hard to get hired. It's this that keeps him in the present job as a picker. He few Are rejection so wint put himself out there.

@saltinesandcoffeecups sorry...Meant to read
He fears rejection so won't put himself out there.

Do hate it when I type it right and it swaps it for something that doesn't make sense! 😄

You're not being unreasonable to want to help but contacting the girl won't help.
It's not fair to pin your sons mental health struggles on a teenage girl. Its not her responsibility to hang out with him and make sure he's got plenty of friends around him. That would be lovely, of course! But as long as she isn't directly or encouraging others to be actively unkind towards your son, sometimes people grow apart and friendship groups do unravel.

I'm sorry your son is struggling so much though. Maybe therapy as others have suggested or maybe you could help him arrange a small party or gathering at a local town. Perhaps a cinema trip or bowling or something with a few friends from school or work.
If he's into gaming, have you looked for local gaming groups, maybe something like Dungeons & Dragons might appeal to him and help him to get his confidence back in a fun, nerdy way with a new set of people.

I wish you luck!

Could he try and arrange his own meet ups with those he’s friendly with rather than ask to go to the ones where the girl is involved? Plan a fun boys day out somewhere? Christmas jumpers night out etc?

I completely agree with you.
maybe ask your husband how he would feel if your daughter was contacted by one of her friends mums saying the same thing. It is really easy to be misunderstood by via text and come across that you are blaming her for his mental health issues.
sending you much love, it must be so hard

Oh no absolutely do not contact her. Its not going to end well and could end up making things worse for your DS.