To feel reluctant to intervene directly?

[Charliesunnysky10]

My 18 year old son has a stammer which makes it difficult for him to communicate. He's had a good group of friends around him though, which got him through the high school years.

They often went out as a group which he loved, because he could feel involved without being the focus. One girl in the group arranged the events/meet ups and he liked her very much. She said she liked him too, but changed her mind, and he was devastated. He had to go on anti depressants for a while and the girl distanced herself from him, and this prompted other members of the group (while they offered help at the time) to do the same; he was very down for a good few months.

About 4 others are still in contact - they game online but don't meet up - last night he told me they all still meet socially each week as a big group without him.

He told me he is very lonely and wants to be going out, have friends to talk to other than game with, and have a girlfriend. It's tricky as his 16 year old sister is very popular, has parties, (including at our house for Halloween & her birthday last week), a steady boyfriend who is often over and I feel that this is really bringing it home to him, how different his life is.

Also he works at a supermarket and has had to use leave up which has meant he's spending more time home alone. Work only occasionally do socials and he doesn’t feel part of that as he’s so quiet due to his stammer. He said the rejection has made him avoid much contact, but now he feels really isolated.

My husband thinks I should contact the girl (I have her contact details from an old party invite) and gently explain the effect this is having on him as she may not know. But I don’t like the idea – it’s behind his back, and I shouldn’t be getting involved, given his age.

I agreed though that I should be supporting him and encouraging him to join groups, as I would for a lonely Dad or nephew. My husband is good – they go to watch football together and do bike rides. But he needs friends his own age – and we are really worried about him, but don’t know where to start when he is so scarred from this rejection that he won’t take a first step.

Sorry to hear you DS is having a difficult time.
Someone I used to work with had a stammer- he said he'd had CBT for it (after researching things that help) and it had improved it and helped his confidence. He did still stammer, but he was 'at peace' with it. Is it something he would consider? May help his mental health as well

If the stammering is the reason for not wanting to join new groups and he feels it’s holding him back in other ways too then some further kind of help with that might be be needed? There are different approaches to SLT for stammer, some of which are not at all about masking, but about building confidence and communication with a stammer. If it was NHS and as a child then he may not seen an SLT with quite a general caseload rather than someone really specialist in stammer? It could be worth trying again, maybe privately, and with him being very clear to them about what he does and doesn’t want. Group ‘stammer more fluently’ courses might be suitable?

I definitely wouldn't contact the girl, for a large number of reasons. What would happen if your son messaged one of the group and said "let me know when your out next, it would be good to have a night out and catch up." He does need to be assertive, friendship groups are evolving at that age particularly if they have attended different colleges and going onto uni. Sometimes it's just a case of out of sight, out of mind and boys are really useless at being aware of other's and their feeling at that age. But usually have a more than merrier approach when it comes to nights out, so shouldn't take it personally.

What did he do (to her) so she won't let him re-join the friend ship group? Can he talk to her and say how much he misses being in the group?

I think he needs to move on from this particular group as all it is doing is causing him heartache. Every rejection is making it worse. My DD (18) is also a gamer and has found some amazing friend groups based around that both online and through college. She also plays D&D in a league locally -would he be interested in anything like that?

Your poor DS 🥺

Regarding the group, I think that ship had sailed. For whatever overall reason, the dynamic has now shifted. So I would leave that there.

I think he might need several types of support - agree with therapy to improve his self-esteem & self-belief

Also, is the job meeting his needs? He's not going to university but is there other training or a career path he could pursue (unless he's very happy where he is).

You mention online gaming. Does he do anything in person eg sports or an activity? Could he build a network that way?

How does he get on with DD? I know she's younger & it's not her responsibility to look after him but is there any network there he can get involved with.

It's really tough; my heart goes out to him. You sound great OP 💕

I think he needs to revisit seeing a speech therapist as an adult, preferably one that is specifically for those with stammers. Perhaps now he is older he might follow their exercises better. I do understand how bad it can get as I had a lisp and stammer, DD had a stammer. I won't say my stammer is "cured" but I have things in place so others do not notice it.

He could probably do with self esteem therapy too but concentrate on lessening the stammer first, coupled with something like swimming. Physical exercise with other people around (and most swimmers only nod, smile or hand signal rather than chat) might boost him a little. Under no circumstances do you contact the girl.

It does to me all the time!

That’s a shame though that he also feels stuck in his job. I really would try to nudge I’m into a second pt job phrased as one for fun. If he doesn’t get it , oh well, it’s for fun and not needed…if he gets it and hates it…oh well he quits. The key would be finding one that he could work with people his own age.

Same with some recreation type sports. I’m not sure if examples will translate but sports like frisbee golf or a beer league (a.k.a non competitive recreational league) sport where he’s too busy doing something to worry about talking much. Dart league or similar pub sport.

I don’t know much about stammering but I think it does get worse in high stress situations which can then sort of feed off each other. I think he’s probably gotten himself stuck in a corner with the low confidence, stress, stammer increase. Probably will have tackle all 3.

He said she has made out there is more to it, to eliminate him from the friendship group so she doesn't have to see him again. Or she feels there IS more to it - there are 2 or more sides to every story.

She may have made up lies but does that seem likely? And if they are lies, then they are bad enough for the rest of the group to support her an alienate your son. If he really hasn’t done anything, what on earth has she told them?

Or maybe he has done more, and if he wants to be part of the group, he needs to own up and apologise. Depending on what it is, if he has done something more, that may help.

He needs to make any contact, definitely not you.