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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask the biggest thing you have forgiven? And whether you could forgive this?

55 replies

hakai · 26/11/2023 19:09

2 years ago my partner and I (while I was pregnant) had a fucking awful time. We argued and it was massively due to circumstance. He ended up leaving me to give birth alone and only started seeing our daughter when she was 8 months old. Since then we’ve met up regularly and he’s been entirely the man I knew and loved. Last week we met to do something Christmassy with our daughter and he had bought me a gift too and some flowers. We had a nice day. I still love him, I never really stopped. I have dated in the last year but my heart has never really been in it. I’ve no idea how he feels and I have no intention of raising anything. But I feel bloody crazy to even feel partly like I COULD forgive what he did. We were fully fledged adults at the time so no excuse for being too young etc.

AIBU to think I’m crazy to forgive what he did?

OP posts:

meeplesmarples · 26/11/2023 19:22

Do you think he's grown up and wouldn't ditch you and your child(ren) again in the future for some spurious reason?

Or is there a chance he'd do it again?

8 months is a LONG time to simply vanish and not bother with your child. I'd find it extremely difficult to trust him again after that. What reasons does he give for his actions, and how much apologising and showing you how sorry he is and how willing to make it up to the both of you has he done?

FindingMeno · 26/11/2023 19:25

Hell no, just don't go there with him.

Original poster

hakai · 26/11/2023 19:27

@meeplesmarples this is the thing, he is terrible with words and emotion and all he has ever done is say sorry and stutter about it all, he says he doesn’t know what happened and all he wanted was to come home to us (!). I said why didn’t you say that at the time and he said he didn’t think I wanted to know. Well no I didn’t after he bloody abandoned me.

I am not really thinking about being with him as such. I’m old now and I don’t care too much for relationships with a two year old. But it just makes my head spin with the fact I feel so forgiving and caring towards him after what he did.

OP posts:

Conkersinautumn · 26/11/2023 19:28

Maybe that's him under stress? I'd be very cautious.

dotdotdotdash · 26/11/2023 19:35

You might find some perspective from the stories on theforgivenessproject.com . I think the consensus is that it helps people to integrate difficult experiences and to move on with their lives.

user628468523532453 · 26/11/2023 19:37

It's pretty easy to be Mr Wonderful on an extremely part time basis when he's only opting in to the fun stuff. Anyone can do that.

Cumberbiatch · 26/11/2023 19:38

I could probably forgive him abandoning me when pg, but I wouldn't forgive him for his heartlessness and lack of care towards his child in that first chunk of her life. I'd always want to protect her from that.

user628468523532453 · 26/11/2023 19:39

Forgiving someone for your own healing or peace doesn't automatically mean letting them back into your life to hurt you or let you down again.

It really depends what forgiveness means to you.

Daphnis156 · 26/11/2023 19:40

You sound as if you want him back. What were the real reasons for the behaviour?

I don't think he can be trusted, so please resist and don't make a big mistake.

SuspiciousSue · 26/11/2023 19:41

He’ll do it again. Right now, he’s got the easy fun stuff aka Disney Dad with you doing the boring bits. Getting up in the night, doctors appointments, literally anything child related. Keep your relationship purely child related.

Original poster

hakai · 26/11/2023 19:42

@Daphnis156 i honestly am not sure. I have a happy and secure life and I don’t need him in it, I don’t feel lost without him or anything like that. But as time has gone on it is so easy and nice with him, just as it always was. I know there is care between us that runs far deeper than just friendliness. I don’t know, I didn’t expect to ever feel that towards him as I honestly despised him for months after I gave birth.

OP posts:

IfYouDontAsk · 26/11/2023 19:43

A huge part of your role as a mother is protecting your child from harm. If you forgive and get back together with this pathetic excuse of a man who abandoned your child during her birth and much of the first year of her life, you are sending an awful message to her. I could never, ever contemplate forgiving someone who did that to my child. Honestly, have a word with yourself.

Birdcar · 26/11/2023 19:48

It's good to forgive and move on but not too forgive and go back.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Ollifer · 26/11/2023 19:49

You're only seeing his good side now op because he's not living with you and in a relationship.of course he's all nicey nicey now, he's a part time dad and has his freedom! He let you down and abandoned you when you were at your most vulnerable and then couldn't be arsed to see his child for almost the first year of their life. Please don't get back with him there has to be better out there, hell single would be better than being with someone so selfish and spineless.

Original poster

hakai · 26/11/2023 19:53

Thanks! I wasn’t convinced on being with him again, more just surprised I had these feelings arise. They seem to have cropped up suddenly.

OP posts:

Fernsfernsferns · 26/11/2023 20:00

@hakai

i don’t think this is about forgiveness, exactly.

if you are choosing to spend amicable time together you HAVE forgiven him. Most people separated hand over the child they share not hang out.

its about whether he will do something similar again.

and if you are considering restarting a relationship with him I’d want to properly explore that, probably in couples therapy to get a sense of whether this really was his turning point moment and he’s learned and is different or is hoping you’ll accept this level of flaw

im not saying he’s thought about this consciously he maybe hasn’t.

but I’d need that to consider it.

And a lot of men hope we’ll do all the emotional work of considering g this and choosing them again.

he messed up. He has to make the running to repair it.

Elfandwellbeing · 26/11/2023 20:01

2 years is not that long ago, give it time, date him or a long time. Does your dd know who he is? That would be my concern, if he disappeared from her life she would be hurt. That is unforgivable, break your heart is bad enough, break your child’s heart, nope no forgiveness. You need this conversation with him. Randoms on the internet is not reliable. Our opinions are hypothetical anyway, it’s not our life. ,

Rjahdhdvd · 26/11/2023 20:03

Depends if you can really move on from it. I’ve “forgiven” my DH significant things but I wish I hadn’t as the resentment has eaten me alive and effected how I feel about him.

WellThatChangesThings · 26/11/2023 20:05

I would say don’t even think about this until he is on your doorstep apologising and promising you full commitment. At that point you can think about how you feel. At the moment it isn’t even on the table so don’t lead yourself up the garden path just because he’s deigned to buy some flowers.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 26/11/2023 20:06

He didn't bother to see his own child for eight whole months, due to "circumstance"? No. I couldn't forgive that.

Nowherenew · 26/11/2023 20:20

I could never forgive this.

I think you could fool yourself into believing you could forgive him for a few weeks, months or even years but then the resentment will start.

If you want to forgive him and get back with him then that’s completely your choice but I can see you regretting it in the future.

I know people who’ve taken back cheaters and then a few months have past and they regretted it and wished they’d never done it.
He did one of the worst things imaginable and I don’t believe you would ever truly get over it.

Andbreatheee · 26/11/2023 20:25

SuspiciousSue · 26/11/2023 19:41

This is extremely wise advice

Trez1510 · 26/11/2023 20:30

I forgave my ex husband for a one off completely out of character incident. He was horrified at his actions and truly/obviously remorseful. His behaviour was never repeated either with me or his subsequent partners.

OTOH my young neighbour is in the process of fleeing her home in a situation where her partner abandoned her when she was pregnant. He returned to their lives when the wee one was about a year old. He played the part of great, loving partner and wonderful devoted dad for a few months. That was long enough to seduce her into feeling secure enough to get pregnant again.

It was like a switch flicked in him. His previous behaviour - controlling/coercive returned, along with emotional and physical abuse. I'd frequently intervene to remove their child during their screaming matches.

I think a man who can't handle the first pregnancy will be unable to handle any subsequent pregnancies either and there is potential for his behaviours to escalate.

My neighbour's case was almost textbook in that regard.

Emeraldsanddiamonds · 26/11/2023 20:34

You want somebody who has your back. My husband had to break the news to me that our teenage son had cancer. He stayed strong during the dreadful wait to see if it spread. (It hadn't.) Regardless of whether I forgave in your circumstances, I don't think I'd ever trust him again.

Chipsahoyagain · 26/11/2023 20:37

An utterly cruel and selfish person would do that to you. I mean he disappeared for 8months op. No feeling of guilt or anything. You would be crazy to even reconsider.

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