To give a bit of background - I’m the youngest of 3, all 1 year apart. My parents divorced when I was 1, and mum remarried a few years later and is still with her husband. Dad died 10 years ago.
Our house was very dysfunctional when my older brothers were teens. They were into casual drugs, petty crimes like shoplifting and generally bad teen behaviour like getting piercings - this was in the 90’s from the age of 13/14. Mum and SD didn’t react very well - they were forever kicking them out the house, my brothers had to sofa surf at their friends before eventually returning home to a frosty reception before it all started again. Lots of screaming and arguments, the neighbours were forever complaining, and nothing ever got resolved.
The boys were kicked out permanently when they were 16 & 17. Mum and SD found them a flat, put a deposit and first months rent down and told them they’d never be welcomed back in the home.
Then when I went to Uni at 18 (DBs were 19 & 20) Mum and SD decided to move to France. Mum was 45 and stopped work. Meaning I didn’t have a home to go to in the holidays. At this point one brother was at Uni at the other side of the country and the other still lived in my hometown and none of us could afford to travel to the others for Christmas, and in mine and Uni Brother’s case there was no room anyway! Mum and SD were very much “we’ve helped you out [I also got deposit and first months rent paid for for my Uni digs] it’s time to stand on your own two feet” so wouldn’t fly us out to them for Christmas or come over either. They were loaded back then after a few bouts of luck buying and selling at the right time, they were £200k up on their latest house sale (and bought very cheap in France, so had even more from that) and hadn’t had a mortgage for 5 years.
Anyway I don’t think either of them thought much about the future or grandchildren, because now, 20 years later, mum is very jealous because her 4 GC are close to their other (local) grandparents. Who make the effort, not just in terms of presents but getting to know them. They’ve spent all their money + 3 lots of inheritance on not working so only come to the UK 1-2 times a year. I don’t go over there because in school holidays you’re looking at £800 return for 4 people just for flights, and they live in the middle of nowhere there’s nothing for kids to do. So when she does see the GC she goes OTT with the smothering and buying them stuff and it freaks the kids out, I have to tell her to rein it in. She saw them earlier this year and gave her phone number to DD (10) and said “If mummy or daddy are ever mean to you call me and tell me and I’ll say nothing to them.” I was furious - DD barely knows mum and it really upset her. She’s like this with DB’s kids - basically expects the relationship of a nearby granny (like they have with their other grans) but by pure virtue of being related to them. She thinks buying them toys once a year is purchasing their love.
As an aside, she sometimes doesn’t ring for weeks - which is fine but then I’ll get a huffy message asking why I’m ignoring her and haven’t called
It’s the same with me - she wants us to be super close -and makes out to everyone we are - but I just never, ever see her. And when I do the relationship is quite tense. Anyway I don’t seek advice from my mum very often but lately DH and I have been going through a rough patch and are considering separation. We are sleeping in separate rooms and having chats about the future. Nothing big has happened - no affairs, no abuse…we are just beginning to despise each other and it’s unbearable. I spent some time away from home last weekend and made the mistake of calling mum as at that very point I thought “I need my mum” and acted on my emotions.
I really wish I hadn’t. She’s know calling constantly to “check I’m OK”. I’ve had to message between 5 missed calls to say “I’m at work and in a meeting stop calling”. Endless calls and demands for updates every day this week. When I do talk to her she demands to know everything that’s been said between me and DH. When I said “I don’t want to go into specifics, I just want a chat” she gets annoyed and says “Well I hope you tell me one day!”
She rang at 8.30am this morning. I was watching DS play football so missed the call. She sent a message saying “I don’t understand all these missed calls. What’s your problem for not answering today? I could scream with frustration and life!” I replied saying I’m watching DS play footie. I’m not calling her back - we are not close and I should never have opened up to her. This happens any time I have issues and make the mistake of telling her. Last year I went through a bout of deep depression and DH got me through it. She found out and actually shouted at him for not telling her how bad I was- he said “Why would I tell you? Yorkshire isn’t close to you” which made her cry 🙄
She’s wants a romanticised mother/daughter relationship that you get with mothers who have put the effort into being there for their daughters, who haven’t abandoned them age 18 to go and drink wine abroad while their DD spends Christmas with whichever mate’s parents are kind enough to have her. She wants to put little effort in to our relationship but for me to love and adore her like I can’t live without her. I’ve had enough. AIBU into thinking it’s her own fault we aren’t close? And that frankly she’s lucky I even bother to call?