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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you arrange a meal

63 replies

Familyiness · 26/11/2023 12:44

So it's my kids dad's birthday, all good.
Their dad's partner arranged a meal get together at a restaurant for him and invited my kids, still good.
Then she proceeds to put my eldest on the spot by asking if she is going to pay for her dad's meal?
I mean surely as she arranged it, she should pay for his meal.
This is not the first time she has done something like this. She wanted my daughter to buy her dad the expensive aftershave 90quid or something so she could buy the cheaper one.
I mean I'm getting very annoyed, and so is my daughter.
Are we being unreasonable or is she?

OP posts:
helloisitmeyourelookingfor · 26/11/2023 12:49

How old is your dd?

If she's a child then step mum/partner is unreasonable

If she's a working adult then it's not for you to worry about, it's for dd to sort out

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/11/2023 12:49

YANBU. But it sounds like your eldest must be an adult?

Peacheroo · 26/11/2023 12:50

My question is what are their ages? But I'm not sure what answers would make this ok.

Original poster
Familyiness · 26/11/2023 12:51

She is an adult
But it's the way in which she is being put on the spot I don't like and my dd is too polite to say anything.
Taking advantage

OP posts:
Terfosaurus · 26/11/2023 12:52

Regardless of how old your DD is no one should assumed she was paying for something for someone else without asking her first.

Merryoldgoat · 26/11/2023 12:54

I wouldn’t generally expect the person who arranged it to pay but either host pays or everyone pays for themselves.

No one should be telling someone else to pay for a third party.

Original poster
Familyiness · 26/11/2023 12:57

So my 2 dds that attended are 22 and 17.
Baring in mind they took their dad to Turkey last year 50th, and paid for it. They also bought him this year some nice gifts, their not selfish by any means.
I just think it's wrong.
My dh would never arrange a meal for me and expect anyone else to pay for me.
I don't care how old my children are. I won't see them taken advantage of.

OP posts:
Original poster
Familyiness · 26/11/2023 13:01

@Merryoldgoat they did all pay for themselves, that's the point, my girls paid for there own meals, I had to lend my 17 yo the money, which she will pay me when she gets paid.
Everyone paid for there own meals.
I wouldn't expect the ex gf to pay for everyone. But at least her and his meals. Not put it on my dd literally and hour 2 before hand.

OP posts:
Igmum · 26/11/2023 13:02

No of course your DD shouldn't pay. She is being unreasonable. Is it a joke that is falling rather flat?

Vinrouge4 · 26/11/2023 13:03

What a cheek! I hope they didn't pay. I think she should have paid for all of them - they are still his children and barely adults. Who invites people for a meal for a birthday and expects them to pay?

Original poster
Familyiness · 26/11/2023 13:05

Unfortunately because my dd1 is so polite and didn't want to make a fuss she did pay it.
She came in and told me. I was annoyed, I could tell she was a bit peeved but she didn't know what to say when she dropped it on her

OP posts:
LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 26/11/2023 13:05

That’s crazy, fair enough expecting them to be pay for themselves but not for her husband/their dad. Why would she even think that your daughter would pay.

also think it would have been nice for her to pay for yours daughters meals. One is still a child and whilst the other is an adult she is still young.

GoodVibesHere · 26/11/2023 13:06

I think it's absolutely awful that she expected your DD to pay. She is totally taking advantage hoping that your DD will be too polite to say no.

Vinrouge4 · 26/11/2023 13:07

Familyiness · 26/11/2023 13:05

Unfortunately because my dd1 is so polite and didn't want to make a fuss she did pay it.
She came in and told me. I was annoyed, I could tell she was a bit peeved but she didn't know what to say when she dropped it on her

I hate tight people. She sounds a right cow.

Vinrouge4 · 26/11/2023 13:08

Vinrouge4 · 26/11/2023 13:07

I hate tight people. She sounds a right cow.

Show quote history

(The ex-wife - not your daughter!!)

Original poster
Familyiness · 26/11/2023 13:09

@Vinrouge4 tbh my ex has previously expected my dd1 to pay for dd2 because she didn't have the money at the time.
She's still a child at 17 and she's in full time education, I told him he should have paid.
If you take your children out and it's meal time, you are expected to feed them.
It's not about the money, it's the principle of it.

OP posts:
LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 26/11/2023 13:10

She has effectively pressured someone significantly younger than her to pay for something that she should have paid for, it’s horrible. I think you need to say something to protect your daughter here and stop it happening again.

rookiemere · 26/11/2023 13:10

Nasty behaviour, going forward your DDs should take their DF out separately, so they aren't subjected to this.

rookiemere · 26/11/2023 13:11

You see this all the time on Step parents thread, people object to their DP paying for their own DCs.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 26/11/2023 13:11

Familyiness · 26/11/2023 13:09

@Vinrouge4 tbh my ex has previously expected my dd1 to pay for dd2 because she didn't have the money at the time.
She's still a child at 17 and she's in full time education, I told him he should have paid.
If you take your children out and it's meal time, you are expected to feed them.
It's not about the money, it's the principle of it.

That’s awful, I feel for your daughters.

LookItsMeAgain · 26/11/2023 13:16

You're going to have to give your daughter some stock phrases that she can practice saying but will mean that she can stand up for herself in situations like the one you describe @Familyiness. Something like "Oh, no, we're not paying. You invited all of us and arranged all of this so it's up to you to pay for all of us too!" let her sweat it out for a bit all the while having told the waiter to create two bills, one for your girls and the other one for the dad's partner.

GreatGateauxsby · 26/11/2023 13:16

Familyiness · 26/11/2023 13:01

@Merryoldgoat they did all pay for themselves, that's the point, my girls paid for there own meals, I had to lend my 17 yo the money, which she will pay me when she gets paid.
Everyone paid for there own meals.
I wouldn't expect the ex gf to pay for everyone. But at least her and his meals. Not put it on my dd literally and hour 2 before hand.

Ridiculous behaviour....

Next time your DD's are "invited out for a meal" they should decline and say they are busy.

They can arrange a separate meal at a restaurant of their choosing if they want.

It's ridiculous enough they pay for themselves let alone their fathers meal too but if they are expected to pay for themselves they should at least be able to pick the restaurant...

Saschka · 26/11/2023 13:19

Well, I’d make sure your daughters decline all invitations from their stepmother going forwards. Which is probably what the stepmother is angling for anyway.

Didn’t their father step in? Or is he a grabby arsehole too?

Original poster
Familyiness · 26/11/2023 13:21

@Vinrouge4 when I first met her, I thought she was lovely.
But as time has gone on, little things have happened that are annoying.
Do I say something or do I leave it.
I don't want to start an argument but the way she behaves is weird.

OP posts:
Saschka · 26/11/2023 13:21

Next time your DD's are "invited out for a meal" they should decline and say they are busy.

I’d decline and say “sorry stepmother, I can’t afford to treat you again this time”. But I appreciate a 17 and 22year old probably wouldn’t say that!