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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you arrange a meal

63 replies

Familyiness · 26/11/2023 12:44

So it's my kids dad's birthday, all good.
Their dad's partner arranged a meal get together at a restaurant for him and invited my kids, still good.
Then she proceeds to put my eldest on the spot by asking if she is going to pay for her dad's meal?
I mean surely as she arranged it, she should pay for his meal.
This is not the first time she has done something like this. She wanted my daughter to buy her dad the expensive aftershave 90quid or something so she could buy the cheaper one.
I mean I'm getting very annoyed, and so is my daughter.
Are we being unreasonable or is she?

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 26/11/2023 13:26

@Familyiness

Sorry, maybe it wasn’t clear but I was agreeing with you.

Original poster
Familyiness · 26/11/2023 13:26

@Saschka he can absolutely be a right knob. Because my 17 year old gets pip for her disability he doesn't think he needs to pay for her meals etc when they are out. He still pays maintenance for her, she's still a child so he has a duty to feed her when they are out. We had a whole argument on it.
But I'm not sure he is aware on this occasion as to what has happened.

OP posts:
Muchof · 26/11/2023 13:29

Your first post solely blames the partner, but your children’s father is not oblivious to this and he lets it happen. I think she is rude, but he is worse as they are his daughters. If I were them, I would stop accepting invitations.

Clarinet1 · 26/11/2023 13:30

I think, in a way, it speaks volumes for the way you have brought your DDs up that they avoided making a scene but suggests that the new DP does not feel much for your Ex if she is trying to get out of paying for his birthday treat!

AutumnCrow · 26/11/2023 13:30

You/they have to learn from experience, OP.

Do the invitations come via a message? A reply could be: 'I'm so sorry, I can't afford that restaurant. Perhaps we could meet up for a coffee?'

My ExH and his 2nd wife used to send my kids a Christmas list of presents that they wanted. Absolute cheeky fuckery.

Original poster
Familyiness · 26/11/2023 13:31

@Merryoldgoat it's OK. Maybe it come across wrong, I was just explaining that they paid for themselves. They wouldn't have expected her to pay for them. Happy to pay for themselves. Just not to be put on paying for their dad, when that should have been her job. I'm a stepmom too, and I always pay for my stepson and his dad when we go out for meals, I'd never expect them to cover it.

OP posts:
lap90 · 26/11/2023 13:32

Weirdo behaviour.

Tbh i would decline such outings with her if i was the adult child.

Original poster
Familyiness · 26/11/2023 13:34

@Muchof he can be a dick, trust me, its the reason he is an ex. But I'm not sure he is aware of how his gf hoodwinked dd1 into paying for him

OP posts:
Original poster
Familyiness · 26/11/2023 13:36

I think because dd1 is on good wage, she thinks it's OK, to expect her to pay.

OP posts:
Original poster
Familyiness · 26/11/2023 13:41

Thank you all. I think I got the answer to my question.
With exs and partners sometimes we can tend to be a bit blinkered and can sometimes make things out of nothing or over react. So its good to get other people's views.
I think I'm going to speak to their dad and explain this isn't acceptable.

OP posts:
Witchbitch20 · 26/11/2023 13:41

Sounds more like it’s their father who’s the problem.

Just tell them it’s fine to decline future invites or just invite their father to somewhere within budget that can split the bill three ways.

bellsandwhistles333 · 26/11/2023 13:49

Jesus I had my dad until he was 70 and I tried several times to pay for a meal for his birthday and before I got back to my car I would have had £50 stuffed into my bag or transferred to my account or he would hide it in my car pre meal!

It's a lovely gesture to pay for your parents but I really don't think he will expect it or want it. Plus his partner is organising this its on her!

Rjahdhdvd · 26/11/2023 13:57

Next time she needs to say sorry I’ve only got the money to pay for myself, if necessary only take that amount of money. It’s very unfair of the partner to put your Dads in that position

Rjahdhdvd · 26/11/2023 13:57

DDs I mean

ImustLearn2Cook · 26/11/2023 14:08

If in future anything like this happens again, your DD could say: ‘No, not tonight, but I am more than happy to pay when I invite my Dad out for dinner.’

Bellyblueboy · 26/11/2023 14:41

It sounds like your ex is financially abusive towards his children.

did I read it that last year, when his daughters were 16 and 21, he let them pay for a holiday for him?

LakeTiticaca · 26/11/2023 14:42

No yanbu and I would be having words with exh and telling him to wind his g/f in

Pinkpinkpink15 · 26/11/2023 14:49

Familyiness · 26/11/2023 13:26

@Saschka he can absolutely be a right knob. Because my 17 year old gets pip for her disability he doesn't think he needs to pay for her meals etc when they are out. He still pays maintenance for her, she's still a child so he has a duty to feed her when they are out. We had a whole argument on it.
But I'm not sure he is aware on this occasion as to what has happened.

@Familyiness he bloody well would be by now if I were you.

along the line of. If your or partner invite OUR girls out for a meal, then you or her pay. If you're not willing to pay, don't 'invite' them.

& how bloody rude & grabby of 'partner' to make 'daughter' pay for YOUR meal.

get your shit together or you'll end up with the girls not wanting to see you.

Gymnopedie · 26/11/2023 14:56

I don't know about speaking to her dad. But what I would do is a lot of role play with DD1, asking her to pay for things and she replies no. So that when the next request comes in she's prepared and doesn't default to saying yes.

Bellyblueboy · 26/11/2023 14:56

Merryoldgoat · 26/11/2023 12:54

I wouldn’t generally expect the person who arranged it to pay but either host pays or everyone pays for themselves.

No one should be telling someone else to pay for a third party.

If there is someone under 18 in attendance I would never expect them to pay for themselves. Indeed j also would expect the 22 to pay for themselves in this scenario.

if the girlfriend could only afford to pay for her own meal she shouldn’t have arranged a birthday dinner for her boyfriend and invited his two children. Very poor manners.

UsingChangeofName · 26/11/2023 15:00

and my dd is too polite to say anything.

That's not 'being polite' though, that's just being silly.

When gf asked her, she should have just said "No, of course I'm not"

I mean, if we go out for either dh or my birthdays, then we would pay for our adult dc anyway, just because that's the way it works in our world - even more so for the U18 - but when we have sometimes gone with a bigger group (cousins etc), then the invitation goes out "Who wants to come for a meal for X's birthday, it is every man for himself on the paying front". No-one would ever suggest people pay not only for themselves, but for someone else too.

Flossflower · 26/11/2023 15:10

I think we can all think what should have been said by your children, but they are young and are probably too shy to say it. It is terrible putting them on the spot. I know I don’t take any nonsense, but that is because I am old and have learnt by experience.
Certainly if people are paying for themselves and the person whose birthday it is is not then the one who arranged it should pay. What a CF!

Hunkydory99 · 26/11/2023 15:23

Can you prep your daughters with some stock answers so if either of them are put on the spot again they are prepped as to what to say?

Nowherenew · 26/11/2023 15:34

I can’t imagine being invited to a meal and then the host telling me I need to pay for the birthday persons meal.

I think I’d laugh in her face!

The partner needs to pay.
If the other guests want to split his meal bill, then that’s up to them.

She is a CF and your DD needs to learn to say no to her.

Nicole1111 · 26/11/2023 16:02

Hello. Just wanted to check if you and your partner are having some financial trouble I should be aware of? I only ask as Dd told me she was blindsided by your partner asking if she was going to pay for your meal the other day, despite your partner having arranged the meal. I appreciate times might be hard but dd said she felt uncomfortable with the exchange so I’d really like to save her discomfort in the future and would hate for her to feel like she’s a meal ticket for a parent, especially after she was generous enough to fund a holiday for you.