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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at colleague for this?

33 replies

needtogetawashingon · 26/11/2023 10:15

I have a work colleague with whom I work closely every day. We have an excellent working relationship and get on incredibly well. There's a lot of genuine fondness on both sides.
And that's why I don't want to feel the way I do, though I suspect it's my fault - at least in part.
Her children are a bit younger than mine, and I've been known to give her some items of clothing in good condition that mine have grown out of. Obviously I check with her first, and she accepts them. For example, a pair of good quality trainers that still have plenty of life in them. I never took money for these; as far as I was concerned, I'd got my money's worth before my child grew out of them.
The other day, she was looking on Vinted for a winter jacket for one of her children. I knew I had one at home that mine never really wears, and offered this. It's absolutely beautiful and in mint condition. It had cost a fair bit of money, which I told her.
I did expect her to offer me something for this. I really did. To my mind, it was different to the other items offered as it was high-end and barely worn. I wouldn't have accepted much. It was originally over £100 and I'd have been happy with 20, or even a voucher for a local coffee shop. But I feel a bit taken for granted and resentful. I KNOW I should have brought this up with her, but it's awkward and I was a bit taken aback. I'm also annoyed at myself as I'm usually pretty assertive. I even hinted that I would sell it on Vinted if it didn't fit her son. Nothing.
I feel that, on this occasion, my kindness has been taken advantage of, but AIBU?

OP posts:
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 26/11/2023 10:17

Why didn't you just say I have a jacket which I no longer need, I was going to sell it on vinted, but if you want it for £20 I can bring it in?

Brefugee · 26/11/2023 10:18

OP that is the typical British thing, as all my foreign friends tell me: not using actual words and expectations.
Be clear about what you want, so in this case "i have a good one at home i could let you have for 20 quid" or something.

Rosycheeks21 · 26/11/2023 10:19

If you’ve given her items and not charged her before then she’s probably just assumed this was a ‘gift’ too. You really needed to mention it at the time.

zurala · 26/11/2023 10:19

YABU because you've set a precedent of giving her things and how was she to know you wanted money? You should have said "oh I'm selling this coat, would you like to buy it?".

Original poster
needtogetawashingon · 26/11/2023 10:19

@Needanewnamebeingwatched

Oh, this is absolutely what I SHOULD have done. You're absolutely right. But I didn't and now feel like the moment has passed.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 26/11/2023 10:20

You offered to give her a jacket, you didn't offer to sell her one. Unfortunately, you weren't clear about what you meant.

Original poster
needtogetawashingon · 26/11/2023 10:21

If the shoe was on the other foot, I would have offered. I know I would.

OP posts:
violetcuriosity · 26/11/2023 10:21

Yeah I think you've just got to put this one down to experience. Next time say something like 'I was going to sell this one for £20 if you wanted to buy it? Was over £100 when I bought it' and then it's up to her x

FionnulaTheCooler · 26/11/2023 10:21

So you've set a precedent of giving items for free and now you somehow expect her to know you want paid for this coat without you actually making this clear? If you want money stop giving things to her and put them on Vinted in the first place.

PossumintheHouse · 26/11/2023 10:22

You’re set a precedent by giving her lots of clothing in the past without asking for payment, so it’s a bit unreasonable for you to grump about it this time round. You should have asked before gifting the jacket. It would have been nice for her to offer a token of appreciation, but if she has thanked you and is generally a good friend and colleague, I’d leave it.

pictoosh · 26/11/2023 10:22

You expected her to offer money? Why? You never expected that before...why would she assume you wanted it this time? You didn't say anything about selling it. Yabu.

friendsfiend · 26/11/2023 10:23

SoupDragon · 26/11/2023 10:20

You offered to give her a jacket, you didn't offer to sell her one. Unfortunately, you weren't clear about what you meant.

This.

It's a lesson for you here OP. Be clear what you mean and stop offering to give stuff away if you want money for it.

Original poster
needtogetawashingon · 26/11/2023 10:23

PossumintheHouse · 26/11/2023 10:22

You’re set a precedent by giving her lots of clothing in the past without asking for payment, so it’s a bit unreasonable for you to grump about it this time round. You should have asked before gifting the jacket. It would have been nice for her to offer a token of appreciation, but if she has thanked you and is generally a good friend and colleague, I’d leave it.

Edited

I haven't given her a lot of clothing. Just the occasional thing.
But yes, lesson learnt.

OP posts:
Changingplace · 26/11/2023 10:23

needtogetawashingon · 26/11/2023 10:21

If the shoe was on the other foot, I would have offered. I know I would.

But you’ve given her stuff for free before, she’s going on what you’ve been happy with previously - unless you explain yourself how is she to know the expectation has changed here?

It’s unfair to be annoyed at her about this, you should’ve said the price you were after when you offered it.

Grimchmas · 26/11/2023 10:24

I'm sorry, I think your annoyance is directed at the wrong person.

The precedent is well established that you gift things to her. You offered it in lieu of something she was going to buy. And obviously, you haven't made it clear that you'd like to change the precedent and would like something for this one.

Has it been given to her yet? If not I don't think it's too late to correct the error. Say something like "just to let you know since this one cost £100 new i was hoping to get something back for it - would £20 be OK? I know I should have said something earlier and if you'd rather go for the one on Vinted that's totally OK with me, I'll stick this one on Vinted too xxx".

If you have already handed it over then yes, it's absolutely too late. Kick yourself like we all would (but only mildly please, then let it go) and put it down as a note to self to say what you want next time.

WhereDidILeaveMyMojo · 26/11/2023 10:24

needtogetawashingon · 26/11/2023 10:21

If the shoe was on the other foot, I would have offered. I know I would.

Right… but she’s not you, is she!

Just don’t give her any more stuff unless she shows her appreciation in some way for all the things you’ve given her. Some people are takers, and need more direct guidance on what’s appropriate. If she doesn’t reciprocate in some way when you give her things (with a little gift, or taking you out for a coffee/lunch/whatever) then just stop with all the freebies and give them to someone who does appreciate them.

Bearpawk · 26/11/2023 10:24

YABU and ridiculous. She's not psychic. Use your words next time.

Original poster
needtogetawashingon · 26/11/2023 10:25

Thanks everyone. I do really appreciate your thoughts, even if it appears to be me who's in the wrong Grin

OP posts:
BranchGold · 26/11/2023 10:25

I really think your annoyance is misplaced. It’s fine to kick yourself and think ‘Gosh, I should have made my intentions clear. Never mind, I’ll explain myself better next time.’ It’s not okay to apportion some blame or malice to the colleague who responded in good faith to your direct actions.

Original poster
needtogetawashingon · 26/11/2023 10:25

BranchGold · 26/11/2023 10:25

I really think your annoyance is misplaced. It’s fine to kick yourself and think ‘Gosh, I should have made my intentions clear. Never mind, I’ll explain myself better next time.’ It’s not okay to apportion some blame or malice to the colleague who responded in good faith to your direct actions.

Malice? Confused

OP posts:
PossumintheHouse · 26/11/2023 10:26

needtogetawashingon · 26/11/2023 10:25

Thanks everyone. I do really appreciate your thoughts, even if it appears to be me who's in the wrong Grin

Yep, this is one to learn from I think. You never know, she might get you a super Christmas pressie in thanks.

Mazuslongtoenail · 26/11/2023 10:27

I have a wonderful neighbour who hands down her daughter’s clothes to us. She had a pair of nearly new shoes and said do you want these for £10 before I eBay them. I’m really grateful that she’s so generous but also clear about expectations and so there’s no awkwardness.

(I also gave her a bottle of gin at Christmas as a general thank you.)

BranchGold · 26/11/2023 10:27

It was just a figure of speech, but I don’t think you should run away with ideas of how you would have acted in a superior or kinder way than your colleague has done, when it’s very clearly a situation that’s riled you of your own making.

Original poster
needtogetawashingon · 26/11/2023 10:28

Mazuslongtoenail · 26/11/2023 10:27

I have a wonderful neighbour who hands down her daughter’s clothes to us. She had a pair of nearly new shoes and said do you want these for £10 before I eBay them. I’m really grateful that she’s so generous but also clear about expectations and so there’s no awkwardness.

(I also gave her a bottle of gin at Christmas as a general thank you.)

Your neighbour handled it much better than I did, that's for sure.

I'll just chalk it down to experience.

OP posts:
PieAndLattes · 26/11/2023 10:29

You have set a precedence by giving her stuff. In future either sell your things on Vinted or say ‘I was going to sell this on Vinted for £30 but you can have it for £20 if you like?’