Is DH an angry arsehole or am I overreacting?

[Darknightsdarkmoods]

DH and I went out for a few drinks, met some friends, all well. On the walk home, DH sees a guy bothering some younger women and shouts over the road to intervene. All decent behaviour up to this point.

The guy then walks over to DH, and they square up to each other. At this point I pull him away. But no, DH goes back for more, he keeps yelling offensive words across the steeet as he’s walking away for the whole town to hear, they end up in a minor scuffle and finally it de-escalates with my DH walking away still yelling. DH is so angry and doesn’t cool off at all. I am absolutely mortified and very much turned off by DH’s behaviour, he slept on the couch and seriously considering going to my parents for a night to have a breather.

AIBU to think DH should be able to control his response and to expect him not to cause massive scenes in the place I live work? He says as a woman I can’t understand the response and pressure to defend yourself. He also hasn’t made any effort to apologise, or AIBU unreasonable making it about me?

Sorry but I think you’re being a bit unreasonable. The fact your husband intervened to support women shouldn’t be missed. And that adrenaline rush needed to act probably made him into “fight” mode which then…added to the few drinks in his system… maybe made him a bit of an arsehole. But he was the “good guy” still and didn’t deserve to sleep on the sofa.
You guys need to talk about how you felt when he wouldn’t calm down. About how in defending other women he then rode roughshod over your feelings- does he understand that being in the right then acting badly afterwards kind of cancels out his good deed? Just speak…

I agree with fourelementary

Nonsense - OP is correct. She says, that having intervened, her H
goes back for more, he keeps yelling offensive words across the steeet as he’s walking away for the whole town to hear, they end up in a minor scuffle and finally it de-escalates with my DH walking away still yelling. DH is so angry and doesn’t cool off at all.

There was no need for any of this.

Why keep yelling, continue the engagement & then have a fight? It could have been much worse.

Then he 'doesn't cool off'.

That's really concerning to hear & he needs help to manage his anger.

And that adrenaline rush needed to act probably made him into “fight” mode which then…added to the few drinks in his system

Imagine excusing male aggression in this way. 😳

'Adrenalin rush'. 😑

It doesn't matter that he initially shouted to help someone. He didn't need to continue it. The "minor scuffle" is assault, and shouting profanity is probably an offence as well.

@EarringsandLipstick I’m with you in terms of not excusing male aggression but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s how the body works and impact of alcohol

I would want to know what he thinks of his behaviour in the cold light of day and if he’s considered that if the police had been around he could be waking up in a cell. The fact he’s intervened suggests he is a basically good person. Has this happened before?

I’d also point out to him that while trying to do a good thing he put you at risk; it’s easy for the person like trying to intervene to be hurt accidentally

Once your adrenaline gets pumping, it’s hard to switch it off.

Firstly he was defending a woman, so that's a good thing. Secondly he had been drinking and was full of adrenaline so that's why he went back when he felt like the confrontation hadn't ended.
You were unreasonable to step in and to make him sleep on the sofa, reassess his intentions and imagine you were behind harassed and another woman stopped a man stepping in to stop it.

Are you suggesting that he shouldn’t have help the woman being bothered?

That's rubbish and an excuse.

Of course one's adrenalin gets pumping, but part of being an adult is managing your response to that.

Feeling anger is fine - shouting continued abuse and continuing to a physical fight is not.

Oh please

He rightly supported a w

... a woman needing help

Why all the excuses for his other behaviour?

Obviously, I think helping the woman was great. After that, definitely not.
Many years ago I made it clear to my husband that if there were any situation where violence could be a result, for example some guy having a go at me in a pub, I have far more respect for a man who has the strength of character to walk away (with me) than feel they have to boost their own ego, or can't control their anger.

If he had backed down quickly the other guy may have been emboldened to really hit him. Sometimes continuing to be aggressive is the only wat to stop aggression.

But I agree embarrassing and possibly dangerous for you both, you never know if someone has a knife or other weapon. That would have worried me more.

I’m sure if he didn’t defend this woman you’d be making another thread calling him a coward.

its very difficult to just immediately simmer down in a situation like this, he’s not a robot.

You should be happy he stepped up to help a woman out, not put him on the sofa because his reaction during the encounter wasn’t perfect.

Truly unbelievable.

Of course it's possible to calm down - he shouldn't have been other than calm in the first place. He was supporting a woman, where's the need for any excessive reaction?

These responses are baffling. And disturbing.

Thanks for the responses, it helped me see the situation more clearly and not get caught up in my feelings about it. I took fourelementary’s advice and asked him to come up for a chat. He knows he overreacted and feels embarrassed about his behaviour, thinking he should have just walked away after the first de-escalation. It’s important to me that he realises that. I think we both probably underestimated how drunk he was. I can see that we were both unreasonable, but we can move on and I think he has has a wake up call.

That's good to hear @Darknightsdarkmoods

You were correct to have a clear boundary around this - the fact he recognises he was out of order and will address it, is promising.

Love the comments about using adrenaline to excuse male aggression….Years ago a kid ran out in front of my mums car she braked hard and luckily was able to avoid hitting the girl, but it was very close and scary. We arrived at our destination a couple of minutes later and my mum completely broke down in tears. Should I have told her to stop being an emotional female? Adrenaline can completely take over in these dangerous situations. For me I would be proud of anybody who intervened in these circumstances. I’m glad the op has talked it over with her oh and both of them understand their reactions.

Exactly. It really can have a big impact and when drunk also that inhibits the ability to switch it off or control it. @EarringsandLipstick Would you be so quick to blame someone whose response is the “freeze” one when being attacked- why didn’t they run away or shout? Would you? If not then why so quick to vilify the man whose fight response went into overdrive.
@Darknightsdarkmoods im glad having a chat and gaining a better understanding of each other has helped. He did a bad thing out of good intentions and a good initial action… I wish more men would stand up against male toxicity… hopefully you can have a nice day today and the hangover isn’t too brutal’

And what impact did your mum's tears have on anyone else?

She arrived at her destination, all safe, and released her emotion. All understandable.

OP's DH felt adrenalin but similar to your mum, had an active choice in what to do - walk on, speak angrily about what he saw, maybe go outside at home to cool off.

That's the idea of self-control.

But as OP notes he was so drunk he over-reacted, and created an unnecessary situation that could have resulted in harm.

Nothing like your mother's (sane) reaction.

The good thing is that OP's DH has now reflected & knows he was out of order

Would you be so quick to blame someone whose response is the “freeze” one when being attacked- why didn’t they run away or shout? Would you? If not then why so quick to vilify the man whose fight response went into overdrive.

🙄

No.

It's not for the same reason at all.

He intervened and helped the woman. Then he failed to use expected self-control as an adult, continued shouting and ended up in a physical altercation.

Imagine justifying that as a 'fight response'. Luckily he has more insight than you do, in retrospect.

He says as a woman I can’t understand the response and pressure to defend yourself Perhaps point out to him that, as a man, he can’t understand how frightening it is to have to deal with a physically powerful person who can’t control their temper. Even if you weren’t afraid he would turn on you, I’m sure you were aware of the consequences of him turning it on someone or something else. It’s brilliant he intervened but his lack of control could have made the whole situation a million times worse.

AIBU unreasonable making it about me? No more than he is for making a shit situation for a group of women all about him.

I agree with this 100%. It's good to hear of someone stepping in to help someone who was clearly in a difficult situation.