Asking SIL to meet up outside of her home because of her dog

[sheeplikessleep]

I’ll try to be objective about this to give the full story …

SIL and family live 5 hours away and we always visit them at Christmas for a couple of days
They’ve always had dogs, which has been fine though I’m not a mad dog fan, but I just don’t particularly interact with them, they don’t bother me.
Last Christmas we visited and their 18 month old German Shepherd was there.
I found it incredibly uncomfortable.
German shepherd is very bouncy, boisterous and large. Not trained and I don’t think goes out for walks. He’s played with constantly, often roughly and is their baby. He is doted on.

Dog mouths my youngest Ds10 (arms / hands) and we couldn’t push him gently away without him then mouthing us which bothered me, dog can be distracted but doesn’t listen to instructions or obey SIL or family (not that they tried whilst we were fending him off, but they did just try to distract / called him over). DS3 ended up sat next to the one Christmas ornament that the dog doesn’t go near because he was uncomfortable. SIL said the dog is ‘tasting’ when I did say I’m not comfortable. No attempt was made to put the dog in conservatory or the like (though it is their home).
Time before he pierced my DHs hand and it bled (not badly) the response from SIL was ‘did X (my DH) move his hand, that’ll be why’

I messaged SIL to ask if we can meet somewhere else this year as the dog makes me nervous and I’m not comfortable. Her response was that I’ve really upset her and all her family, the dog is their family member and it’s his home and how she understands I’m scared of dogs but he hasn’t done anything wrong or hurt anyone. To be fair, he hasn’t (DH incident aside), but I’m not scared of dogs but this one I am. He doesn’t snarl or show aggression, but the mouthing and general inability to manage him is what my nervousness is about.

SIL has taken this very personally. Has anyone had any similar experiences?
DH has grown up with dogs and whilst he isn’t as bothered as I am (he likes to keep the peace), he has admitted that he struggled to stop the dog from being all over us.

I am not sure how to appease the situation. I’ve explained we love seeing them and appreciate how much they love the dog, but can we organise an alternative.

YABU - visit, it’s just a dog
YANBU - insist on meeting elsewhere

Have you seen the dog since last xmas?, just wondering if a year on hes settled down a bit and stopped the mouthing?
I assume you are staying for a couple of days?, is it possible to meet half way instead for a meal - or stay in a hotel overnight? .
Ive got a dog but would put him out of the room if my relative felt uncomfortable or ddog was acting too boisterous however thats a bit difficult if its for a few days!

"I am not sure how to appease the situation."

You can't, nor should you try. SIL and her family are failing this dog, by the sound of it. You said he is "Not trained and I don’t think goes out for walks." That is a shit way to treat an intelligent animal.

She can be as upset as she wants to be, I still wouldn't be visiting her. She can claim "he hasn’t done anything wrong or hurt anyone" as much as she wants. Without training and proper care such as walks, I'd consider it only a matter of time before he does hurt someone.

I love dogs, but I've got no time for bad owners.

She did say he’s calmed down, but equally the mouthing wasn’t a problem for them last Christmas so I can’t imagine he’s stopped doing it if he hasn’t been trained not to? He was 18 months / 2 years last Christmas (I think!)
I did suggest meeting up for lunch somewhere or going for a walk, I’m not expecting her to put the dog away in her home as I appreciate it’s their home (including the dogs).

As a dog owner myself if someone is invited to my home, but uncomfortable with my dog (who is a small dog) she goes upstairs to her bed and stays there.

I am also uncomfortable around GS after an incident when i was young so I get what you say

Why bother going? Just stay at home I would

I love dogs and this sounds like a nightmare.

Ah sorry I see that you offered a lunch somewhere.....so in that case I would leave it to DH to sort out. Youve said your thoughts and offered a solution to which SIL has seen her arse over!. Stick to your guns though .

GS don't get out of the puppy stage until 2, so there could be a big change. As a GS owner this annoys the life out of me. They are so easy to train. If things go wrong it's then got to be PTS because it can't be rehomed. Such a waste of one of the best obedient breeds that make wonderful pets.

She can take it personally all she likes, it's her fault for not training the poor dog properly and a restless GS is not going to have calmed down by much if anything since last time.
YANBU and I wouldn't put my children in an uncomfortable position because she's too thick to be responsible.

Mouthing is something puppies do - and whether a GSD or a chihuahua it's difficult to stop them.

I'd imagine that there will be a substantial difference in the dog after a year.

Regardless, if you're uncomfortable visiting them there then yanbu to say you'd rather see them elsewhere or only if the dog is shut in another room. You can't control whether SIL is open to either of those options though so you need to be prepared to not see them.

WhereYouLeftIt tbh they call him over for things, he doesn’t go for human food for example. So I guess trained in some respects. But they don’t stop him bothering us and I have to ask my niece to call him over. So it’s basically a game of distraction more than anything. As I say, he hasn’t shown any sign of aggression. But the mouthing to me just feels wrong and feels like I’m not able to stop him (I can’t) and I think that’s why I have said something (because he wouldn’t respond to me saying no, he just continues mouthing, until my SIL or BIL call him over).

Christmas is supposed to be fun - what fun will it be with this dog around? Just say you are not coming. Subject closed.

Why do some dog-owners assume that other sshare their delight in their animal?

Respectful polite dog-owners do not.

He wasn’t doing it to anyone but us and tbh, on the second day, didn’t do it. SIL said he was ‘tasting’? We are strangers to the GS as only go up once a year. So I do wonder if it’s a control / dominance thing? I don’t know.

If you are not comfortable, don't see why you can't meet outside their home.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts.
This is just one of those difficult conversations. I don’t like causing bad feeling, but I’m not prepared to have the same experience. But she has taken it very personally.

I cant speak for GS but weve got a 2.5 year old border collie and he mouthed badly as a puppy, now he gets a bit mouthy if hes over excited or playing too much - but we stop him and calm him down. I certainly wouldn't let him become mouthy with my family - and defo not with any kids.

I wouldn't have my DC in a house with an untrained dog. There is always a first time for everything. The dog has already injured your DH, didn't matter if it was an accident or not. Your SILs reaction to you suggesting an alternative, puts me in mind of people who refer to dogs as their fur baby's, or children. These are usually the peoples who's dogs misbehave.

This is what I’ve suggested, but it’s now got a bit defensive and difficult because I’ve upset them.

If someone I knew was uncomfortable with my dogs, I'd meet them out somewhere, although mine don't mouth unless you play with them in a certain way and if visitors ignore them, they will just lie down quietly. I don't allow them to be all over visitors.

If they won’t do anything to help, they don’t want to see you enough. Just don’t go, you don’t need permission.

We have dogs, I’ll do what I need to for people I want to see. For people I don’t, I make no effort. They’re telling you they’re not bothered about seeing you so take note and stop making effort.

You've perfectly described my dog here, a young, bouncy german shepherd who struggled to remember his manners. We are working hard on his house guest skills and until then we don't expect visitors to have to interact with him, he is shut away for everyone's comfort. Even once he is trustworthy if someone said he made them nervous I'd pop him away for their visit. Obviously it's harder if people want to stay over so I'd happily meet them somewhere else

Tbh even though I find GS massive and a bit intimidating, if he didn’t put his jaws around my sons arms and hands, I’d just put up with it.
i said to DH after the first night ‘can you stay close to DS and intervene’. Happened the second day, dog mouthing Ds again. DH moved dog away with his arm and the dog then started putting his mouth around my DHs arm. So even my 6ft2 DH couldn’t stop the dog doing it. Its the lack of ability to stop it which I don’t like.

How can he be sited in if they don't take it out for walks?

You’re right SheTookChances. It has upset me that SIL is not bothered in the slightest that I was scared. But I’m being made out to be ‘scared of dogs’ (im honestly not, everyone around me has dogs and I do not have any issues with any other dogs).

Jewelspun - sorry I’m not understanding? He isn’t walked whilst we are there. I’ve never seen him being taken for a walk (and DH has said he thinks they don’t walk him because he is reactive with other dogs but I don’t know if that is true).

I don't think you're unreasonable to want to avoid the dog.

But I also think it was your DH who should have had this conversation, not you, and it shouldn't have been done over text message either.