Asking SIL to meet up outside of her home because of her dog

[sheeplikessleep]

I’ll try to be objective about this to give the full story …

SIL and family live 5 hours away and we always visit them at Christmas for a couple of days
They’ve always had dogs, which has been fine though I’m not a mad dog fan, but I just don’t particularly interact with them, they don’t bother me.
Last Christmas we visited and their 18 month old German Shepherd was there.
I found it incredibly uncomfortable.
German shepherd is very bouncy, boisterous and large. Not trained and I don’t think goes out for walks. He’s played with constantly, often roughly and is their baby. He is doted on.

Dog mouths my youngest Ds10 (arms / hands) and we couldn’t push him gently away without him then mouthing us which bothered me, dog can be distracted but doesn’t listen to instructions or obey SIL or family (not that they tried whilst we were fending him off, but they did just try to distract / called him over). DS3 ended up sat next to the one Christmas ornament that the dog doesn’t go near because he was uncomfortable. SIL said the dog is ‘tasting’ when I did say I’m not comfortable. No attempt was made to put the dog in conservatory or the like (though it is their home).
Time before he pierced my DHs hand and it bled (not badly) the response from SIL was ‘did X (my DH) move his hand, that’ll be why’

I messaged SIL to ask if we can meet somewhere else this year as the dog makes me nervous and I’m not comfortable. Her response was that I’ve really upset her and all her family, the dog is their family member and it’s his home and how she understands I’m scared of dogs but he hasn’t done anything wrong or hurt anyone. To be fair, he hasn’t (DH incident aside), but I’m not scared of dogs but this one I am. He doesn’t snarl or show aggression, but the mouthing and general inability to manage him is what my nervousness is about.

SIL has taken this very personally. Has anyone had any similar experiences?
DH has grown up with dogs and whilst he isn’t as bothered as I am (he likes to keep the peace), he has admitted that he struggled to stop the dog from being all over us.

I am not sure how to appease the situation. I’ve explained we love seeing them and appreciate how much they love the dog, but can we organise an alternative.

YABU - visit, it’s just a dog
YANBU - insist on meeting elsewhere

Ahh this sounds horrid. We have 3 very small dogs who are fairly well trained in general but when people come to our house (their space), they do get a bit protective. I wouldn’t be surprised if the dog acted similarly again this year if he isn’t used to you being in his space / hasn’t been trained further.
If she thinks you’re scared of dogs maybe just go along with that. Just say yes I’m scared of dogs, please could he be shut in the other room whilst we are here. If not could we or meet elsewhere. Or could they come to you? If someone told me they were afraid of dogs I wouldn’t think twice about putting mine in another room. I think it’s irresponsible dog ownership if an owner doesn’t take measures to ensure that both their dog and other people are comfortable. As much as a dog is a member of the family they are also unpredictable and if anything we’re to go badly wrong when he’s ‘tasting’ you, it would be the dog that would suffer at the end of the days. Also dogs don’t taste people like that so that’s a strange thing for them to say.

Margotrose - it ended up being via text because I messaged asking to speak about something by phone but she wasn’t around and I was away for a few days and know she would have been worried. In hindsight it shouldn’t have been via text. I should have timed it better and did apologise it was via text.

I think if I upset her, it matters less than if it was DH. DH was happy to have the conversation (and his mum did ring and speak to him as well since and he has said exactly the same as me). My MIL told DH she understands our viewpoint, but just said SIL is angry and upset. 🙈

Thanks all for posting.
Ive known SIL for 28 years, we’ve always got on and so this is the first issue we’ve had. I knew she’d be a bit put out, but I felt strongly and don’t think meeting elsewhere is such a big deal.

I’m a dog lover and owner myself but it’s perfectly reasonable to be afraid of a large dog who has the power to cause significant injury (or worse) and isn’t trained or exercised. That’s a recipe for disaster!
As lovely as our dog is I always respect that some people might not appreciate her like we do, some people have fears, some don’t like their kids around dogs and I respect that. I’ve even arranged for my dog to not be here when we had a visitor who is petrified of all dogs.
You’re perfectly within your rights to decline going somewhere that you don’t feel safe or you just don’t want to be.

I think this is your SIL’s problem to resolve, if people don’t want to visit her house due to her dog being poorly trained then that’s her issue to address. At least you’ve told her the truth, it would have been easy to make an excuse, just leave it and see what solution she can offer.

You’re right SheTookChances. It has upset me that SIL is not bothered in the slightest that I was scared. But I’m being made out to be ‘scared of dogs’ (im honestly not, everyone around me has dogs and I do not have any issues with any other dogs).

None of this matters. Let her make out whatever she wants.

You are uncomfortable around the dog. She won’t make changes for you or agree to the reasonable suggestion of meeting elsewhere. She doesn’t care enough. You tried. Stop giving it any more headspace.

YANBU So many people have got dogs and should not be dog owners.

I agree it is her problem. Keep your boundaries. The dog is not behaving appropriately and it's owners won't train it, so you are being the responsible party keeping your child safe and actually the dog too.

Utterly infuriating. If she's upset then that's on her.

Very normal for gs pups to do this. It's a sensory thing and they usually grow out of it between 1-3. By all means don't go but nothing u describe is worrying

SheTookChances … she has agreed to meet up for lunch elsewhere (albeit reluctantly I think after a lengthy msg about how upset she is / why have I never been scared of dogs before / how I’m using my DS when they clearly enjoy playing with him (they really didn’t, but SIL insisted on them stroking the dog to prove how lovely he is)).

I have to grow a pair. I used to struggle with difficult conversations and I’m pleased I’ve done this. I just need to see this through clearly and honestly and with as much diplomacy as I can.

Thanks autieangel … that’s interesting. But how is it managed when they do this? How do you stop them?

Good for you @sheeplikessleep I am
glad you have a solution even if they are reluctant about it.

I really like dogs but young dogs and puppies are a PITA especially around children.
I wouldn’t take DD to visit somewhere if there was an untrained dog there-I don’t want to spend every nano second watching and intervening, it’s not my idea of a nice Christmas. Sod that.

I think you should reinforce that no, your DS did not enjoy her dog. Clearly she doesn't care about your feelings, so maybe you should remind her that her DN doesn't like it either!

If I had a mouthy pup I would use distraction. Swap the arm/hand/trousers for a toy.
GS are very bright, repetitive positive reinforcement should have mouthing sorted.
If not, then they've spoilt their dog. Very sad.
Glad you have a plan B @sheeplikessleep

I’ve had German shepherds for 30 years and would not accept being mouthed by my own for any reason, nevermind someone else’s. Even as puppies it was a complete and utter not acceptable from day one. This is the reason there are so many hooligan GSD, ineffective and inexperienced owners taking on a dog way above their experience level.

Not a chance would I take my children there to be used as a chew toy either.

@sheeplikessleep She sounds annoying and if you usually get on well I think she’s very silly to make this an issue. Some people just can’t see issues with their own dogs, it’s like the mums at school who insist the teacher is lying about their kids bad behaviour. They dig their heels in instead of just being sensible. I say that as a dog lover and parent, but I hope, a sensible one.

Stick to your guns. You have acted reasonably. If she brings it up when you meet, just be clear that you are fine with dogs but uncomfortable with the mouthing. Then change the subject. She’ll either get the message and realise it’s not worth falling out over after 28 years or continue to be off with you. If she does, it’s her loss.

Maybe take a gift for the dog to soften her up. 😉

Thanks all. As I say, I’m shit at difficult conversations and cave in to keep the peace, but I’m not with this. You’ve reassured me that I’m not a loon for asking this.

She is an abysmal dog owner. Dogs need boundaries. And to be fucking walked! She should be ashamed.

GS are one of the brightest dog breeds and need lots of exercise and mental stimulation but also firm boundaries and leadership.
If you give them all that they need as an owner you will be rewarded with one of the most loyal, smart and loving companions.
She sounds like she hasn't a clue - and that's upsetting as it's the dog that will suffer long term.
He likely will have grown out of mouthing by now a year on but if he's not walked, he will have copious energy, possibly anxiety, and that's not good around kids.
GSD work best when they have a job, and if you don't give them one, they will make one up - guarding the owner, guarding the kids, guarding the house. Which is not great for nervous visitors either.

I have a dog that was terrible at mouthing to start with. Then there was an incident that triggered some aggressive behaviour. I took her to the vets and got a referral to a behaviour therapist. We have done months of training. My dog can still be agitated. I have put the work in, mainly for my dog, to reassure her! But also for everyone else she comes into contact with.
When unfamiliar people come to our house, I use a stair gate to keep her away from them. She is generally fine when they give her treats but I’m not taking any chances! If someone said they weren’t comfortable coming to my home, I would be fine meeting elsewhere. This is what I see as my responsibility as a dog owner! So if your SIL won’t make allowances for (understandable) anxieties around her dog, she’s being very unreasonable. I’m glad she’s agreed to meet elsewhere.

I can't believe you're being so passive ! The dog bit your husband, is basically play biting your children, and you're afraid of it too. A large GS is really a large dog.
Your SIL is crazy and negligent to not train such a smart breed, or take it for walks. It's also a breed that tends to only listen to it's owner as you've seen, so it's not like other can control or train it. Then she's upset at you ?? The whole situation is just nuts...

Sorry, I meant to write -

How can he be doted on if he isn't taken out for walks?

Aggressive traits arise when there is lack of exercise and mental stimulation.

Your sister in law is cruel.