Partner with possibly sick mother and is telling me I’m selfish for wanting them around and to help

[Girlmumsyx]

Hi so my partner has recently found out their mother is suspected of having cancer. They have been distant since finding out and spend every moment they’re home texting and calling their mum. Have gotten into trouble with work in regards to having time off and seeming unreliable and has since told me they will be missing school play etc and unable to pick children up or take one of them who has multiple scheduled medical appointments. I got the news that I may have epilepsy and have been suffering from episodes due to this. I asked my partner to stay home with me for the evening I found out as she was spending the weekend with her mum she told me she’d rather head to her mum that evening to have an extra day with her and when I told her that I was scared and could use the support she said if she stayed she’s resent me and at least I’m not dying. I’m not sure what to do anymore I’m trying to be supportive but I’m not sure if I was unreasonable in asking her to stay the evening for support? Any help trying to navigate this would be appreciated

It sounds an extreme reaction considering her mum hasn't even got a diagnosis yet!

I can understand wanting to spend time with mum. But she seems to have totally checked out of life with you and DC.

And it's understandable that you'd appreciate some support around your health worries too.

How long have you been together? Are the DC both of yours?

We’ve been together a year and half and living together for 7 months. The children are from my previous relationship but she is all they really know due to the ages they were when she came into our lives.

To be honest, I'd be telling her that she obviously wants to concentrate on her mums health at the moment, so perhaps it's best she moves back home for the time being.

Is she young? I wonder whether she's struggling with responsibility - unwell mum, poorly partner, step children. It's a lot to adjust to in such a short space of time.

Do you have your own family who is can lean in for support?

Honestly, it sounds as if she has already checked out of your relationship.

I think I'd be asking her to be honest with you about where she sees the pair of you; and I'd be expecting her to move back in with her mother, by the sound of it. Sorry, but I don't think there's a future for you together.

Gently, that's quite a lot to deal with in a relatively short relationship and if I was in your partner's shoes, I'd choose my mum as well. Sorry OP but I think it's time to end this. Hope you're ok.

Perhaps the children's other bio parent (father/mother?) could help with their appointments after all they are their other parent. That would at least alleviate those issues.

Perhaps they doesn't realise the seriousness of an epilepsy diagnosis and what that will entail , or even if they do, they are scared and in turmoil about their mum.

Why did you need them to stay home that particular evening? It seems like you are asking them to make a choice. Ultimatums are often not a good idea and can quickly backfire.

YA both BU. Sounds like she may be going a bit OTT but depending on the potential type of cancer,maybe not. YABU to have her picking up your kids and taking them to medical appointments, she isn't their mother and has only known them for a year. Sounds like you just want a 'wife model' to look after you all. She's a person too, with her own life.

I’m managing thank you. I did already make alternate arrangement for all appointments and pick up for children in the hopes it would lessen the burden on her but it does appear asking her to stay the evening in her eyes was unreasonable of me unfortunately

I had already made alternate arrangements when she mentioned she told me

It's a tough one- how far away is her mom? And the fact you're both still undiagnosed is also a bit ambiguous, do they know it's cancer and are establishing primary/secondary or stage? Or is the cancer part undiagnosed? And the same for your epilepsy- how close to a diagnosis are you?

We usually attend together which has been her choice as she worries and wants to be included. And I don’t drive so her and my mother usually share the pick up and drop off to help.

They have done blood tests. Checked ovaries for mass and didn’t find anything so have arranged for a colonoscopy and a camera down her throat to try and find something. I have been told they are concerned I’m having seizures and am scheduled for an emergency neurology appointment.

I'm sorry OP, her mother comes first by a stretch.

You need to no longer depend on her for childcare.

She will want to be there for her mum understandably.

You must make other arrangements for your children and not put any pressure on her.

She may well decide to move home.

She is dealing with hugely traumatic news, the loss of her mum.

Expect absolutely nothing from her.

I'm sorry if that is not what you hoped to read.

They aren’t her children, you’ve introduced them -and she’s taken on a lot of responsibility-very early on. Now her DM is sick and, understandably, she’s spending time with her. It sounds like you will have to count her out for helping with your children and make alternative arrangements, it will be difficult I’m sure.
Maybe she’s feeling she’s taken on too much too soon?
Sorry op, I hope things go okay for you.

She was originally meant to be home that evening and leaving the next day and I told her what the dr’s said and she told me she wanted to leave that evening to have more time with her mum. But I asked if we could stick to original plan and she stay with me the evening

She’s 32 and I’m 23

has since told me they will be missing school play etc and unable to pick children up or take one of them who has multiple scheduled medical appointments.

They're your children and you were only together 11 months before living together, and putting all this responsibility on her shoulders??

I think I disagree with this because her partner (OP), is also facing a life-changing diagnosis. He is also scared.
Why does Mother come first? she also doesn't have a diagnosis.
Agree it's very tough for the the partner and she is facing a double whammy. She probably needs space and time BUT, if she is a true partner, she needs to weigh up the options - admittedly I am an old married woman and DH would come before DM, as unpopular as that might be.

Well the OP isn't an old married woman, she's been with her partner for 18 months and seems pretty put out that she's losing a childminder.

It's not a husband or wife though, it's a new relationship of 7 months. OP's kids school play and medical appointments are not the responsibility of her new partner.

OP it sounds as though you are putting too much onto your new partner, probably she seems capable as she's much older. But it's not realistic to expect that level of commitment to someone else's children.

How can they have known nothing else when you've only been together 7 months? Are they twins?

I normal circumstances I'd say you're being unreasonable but the epilepsy changes things, especially with presumably small children in the house. Until your epilepsy is controlled you really do need her around where possible. Could her mum stay with you both sometimes?

'at least I’m not dying' stood out to me as a low bar. Nor do we know if the mother is dying.

Are your dc old enough to be taught to phone in an emergency? I don't think childcare is your dp's responsibility.

Where's the other parent in all this? Surely they need to step up with their children. Or even your parents/siblings should be stepping up, or the other parent's parents/siblings, certainly not someone you have known less than 18 months.

I’m sorry you are having health issues OP.
Maybe you need to be talking to your childrens biological parent to step up and help care for their child not rely on you solely.

It sounds as if you relationship may have run it’s course . Your partner has cared for your children but now has her own mother needing her support and time.
Im not sure how old your children are but maybe a Health Visitor or Doctor could guide you towards agencies that could support you.