Partner with possibly sick mother and is telling me I’m selfish for wanting them around and to help

[Girlmumsyx]

Hi so my partner has recently found out their mother is suspected of having cancer. They have been distant since finding out and spend every moment they’re home texting and calling their mum. Have gotten into trouble with work in regards to having time off and seeming unreliable and has since told me they will be missing school play etc and unable to pick children up or take one of them who has multiple scheduled medical appointments. I got the news that I may have epilepsy and have been suffering from episodes due to this. I asked my partner to stay home with me for the evening I found out as she was spending the weekend with her mum she told me she’d rather head to her mum that evening to have an extra day with her and when I told her that I was scared and could use the support she said if she stayed she’s resent me and at least I’m not dying. I’m not sure what to do anymore I’m trying to be supportive but I’m not sure if I was unreasonable in asking her to stay the evening for support? Any help trying to navigate this would be appreciated

They've been together a year and a half, and lived together for 7 months.

You weren’t unreasonable to ask. Of course you’d hope she would want to support you by staying that evening.

But perhaps she genuinely cannot cope with 2 serious diagnoses? It would be somewhat understandable if she felt that way.

It’s hurtful to you, I understand. But sounds like she’s in a difficult emotional place. You’re in a relatively new relationship and it’s a lot of baggage to cope with. Some people can’t. That’s not a reflection on you or the DC or even a negative reflection on her - it just might be beyond her emotional capacity.

Take care of you - hope your own mum is a good support to you.

Your partner is a they who turns into a she midway through?

Anyway. She's got enough on her plate and this relationship is giving me slightly unhealthy vibes. The age gap, moving in fast, relying on her for childcare. It sounds like you're looking for some one to look after you more than to be your equal.

She can't give you what you want right now, that's hard but it's the way it is.

Sounds like a nightmare for both of you. I understand her point, her mum is seriously unwell so it’s natural that she wants to spend that time with her. In the meantime you need to rely on your mum and the kids dad . Take taxis or walk if you need to do the school run. If you keep pushing this you’ll lose her.

I suppose the OP being a 23 woman having lived with her partner for 7 months, together 18 months, and her partner having a 32 year relationship with her mother.

I'm not surprised that if she loves her mum, whom MAY be facing a serious diagnosis, her mother would be her priority at this time.

I appreciate the OP's fear for her own diagnosis however.

A parent possibly facing their own sudden mortality is a shocking vista for the OP's partner and can blow everything out ofvthe water.

Of course it is hard for the OP, and scary.
She is very young.
OP, could your own family offer you some support at this difficult time?

I had to change my vote to yabu given she's not the children's other parent and is still a relatively new girlfriend. It's not surprising she is putting her time with her mum first. You shouldn't be getting a new partner to be doing your child's medical appointments.

There’s a lot that’s happened and is happening in your young life.

I don’t think this is a relationship that you should be relying on. It’s moved very quickly considering there’s children involved.

I remember being diagnosed with epilepsy, losing my licence, working and caring for 2 children solo which probably colours my response. It was terrifying, hard work etc.....but I coped. Your partner needs to be with her mum. You will be OK.

Why is she doing so much childcare for you. Why can’t you do the parenting on your own. Maybe she’s realised she doing too much for kids that aren’t hers so is avoiding being at home

I’m sorry you have had / have such a lot to deal with at 23 years old. Whilst yes her mum may take priority over your children’s appointments and play at the moment - they haven’t been diagnosed yet so it does seem extreme and I can see why you may be worried with the children. But it also may not be epilepsy. I hope you both get the answers you need soon and dan work through this but if not you and your children will be ok even through the hard times

OP I've read this again and feel really sorry for you as you obviously feel in need but still think your partner needs to be with her mum.

But you...what family support do you have? What is the situation with your mum? Do you have friends you can chat to? I think you need to try and cultivate a life support system which doesn't just involve your partner ...because that's a healthy way to support yourself. Small children are both draining, trapping and joyful but the first two can become overwhelming if you're struggling. Find other mum friends. Consider a route back to work. Don't be dependent on one person

You’re 23 and have 2 children at school? In a school play?

Op, you are very young to have two children. I wonder if because if the age gap you feel a bit as though your partner is a bit like your own mum? It wouldn’t be unusual. But unfortunately, it’s not a great basis for a relationship and I fear that, because if the worry that she’s feeling about possibly losing her mother, you will end up pushing her away.

I think you need to make a concerted attempt to not do this if you want to keep the relationship - try to move it onto a different footing where you are equals, you are both as supportive as you can be of each other given your other commitments, but only one of you is in a mother role (you, to your own children. )

This is a relatively new relationship which appears to have evolved at quite a pace.

I think you should stop relying on DP for childcare or much support. They are choosing to prioritise their mother.

Your own family and friends will hopefully be more supportive to you.

Sorry OP but how did you manage before meeting your partner especially with not driving?

It sounds like a tough situation, but I would give your partner some space- pressure isn't going to help.