Sleepovers

53 replies

Foodie27 · 25/11/2023 15:51

Would you let your child stay at a friends house where you know the mum well and there is just another older brother there?
if now what would say to your child about not?

OP posts:

sollenwir · 26/11/2023 17:26

melj1213 · 26/11/2023 14:37

But how do you go through life not trusting any adult? I find it more bizarre to assume all will not be OK and that all males are potential rapists/abusers unless they can prove otherwise (and how exactly are they supposed to do that?)

How do you teach your child when it's OK to trust a stranger (eg when they're lost or in an emergency) if your default position is "Don't trust any adult ever"? They're the children who are the most vulnerable as they haven't been taught ways to determine the difference between a "good" adult and a "bad" one.

I was raped at Uni, so I know that there are men out there with bad intentions, but that doesn't mean that I teach my DD to treat every man as a potential rapist. I was raped in a park in the early evening, I haven't taught my DD that there are potential rapists hiding in every park, but I have taught her how to keep herself safest if she finds herself in the park alone in the early evening.

My DD has been taught what behaviour is OK from an adult to a child and what is not; she knows what to do if she ever feels uncomfortable/unsafe in an unfamiliar situation and I've taught her how to assess the most safe people to approach if there's an emergency but I haven't taught her to avoid any male over the age of 16 "just in case".

By all means if the family in the OP was one where the older son was known to be a bit of a tearaway/hanging with a bad crowd/into drink or drugs/been in trouble with the police etc where the OP might have legitimate concerns then I would understand the hesitation but the fact that an 18yo older sibling who happens to be male is in the house should not be a blanket no.

We wonder why women are often left to do the childcare but then any male who is even in the vicinity of a child is treated with the utmost of suspicion even if they're just living their lives in the same house ... This poor 18yo is just living at home with his mum and sister and yet is a potential abuser in the eyes of many MNetters - if he was an 18yo sister nobody would bat an eyelid, but because he's a male then he's treated with suspicion when he will probably want as little to do with his 10yo sisters sleepover as possible.

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I don't go through life 'not trusting any adult', nor difd I teach my child to. However sleepovers are quite high risk IMHO, especially as they are often not essential.

BlueWhippets · 26/11/2023 20:10

@melj1213 but this isn't teaching them that all men are rapists is it? I agree with what @sollenwir said in that sleepovers are potentially high risk in that they're at someone else's house, everyone is likely asleep, they might not be able to contact you or get away easily. It's not about not trusting any adult and more about not taking unnecessary risks. I would also teach my daughter to not go into parks in the evening/at night as well as a number of other things but that is also not me saying that all men are rapists. I've also experienced SA, I have a friend who was raped at a family sleepover by a family friend, I've worked with many children who have been victim of CSA, I've worked with men and teenage boys in forensics who have committed rape or sexual assault, it happens. We obviously know that not all men are rapists but frankly it happens far too fucking often for me to want to take that risk with my daughter.
Also in my experience sleepovers at that age are far more drama than they're worth so it's easier to just have a blanket rule of no sleepovers.

SiennaMillar · 26/11/2023 20:34

OP you don’t need professional help with anxiety as PP said. Lots of people don’t allow their children to go to sleepovers at all, it’s not extreme IMO.

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