Sleepovers

[Foodie27]

Would you let your child stay at a friends house where you know the mum well and there is just another older brother there?
if now what would say to your child about not?

how old is she?

I get why you're asking OP.

If i was sure the mum was going to stay in the house and i'd known the family a few years then yes i would.

I would never send DD (9) to a sleep over on her own to anyone's house i didn't know pretty well or hadn't been to the house a few times myself socially. If that makes sense?

If you've got doubts don't send her. Have the friend to yours. They've got years ahead of them for sleep overs.

Really? How old is your child?

When I was 14, a close friend (who was a virgin), got ra8pd out of her virginity, by a visiting family friend (who looked old enough to be her father), when she was having a sleepover at one of my close friends other friends house.

My mum was strict so didn't allow me to have sleepovers (unless she knew the parents and family, met at least once before sleep over, and felt comfortable). But my close friend had very relaxed parents, who didn't bother with vetting anything.

I appreciate the above is probably a one in a million occurrence. 99.9% it works out all ok to have sleepovers. But it can happen 00.01% of the time.

In OP case, it's unlikely anything untoward will happen. But only you can make that judgement as you know them better.

The very vast majority of 18 year old boys wouldn't even look sideways at a little kid. Mine would barely register there was another 10 year old kid in the house. You know the mum long term, I'm sure her son is absolutely fine. Maybe he won't even be home.

I think if you know the mum well and trust her then it's fine.
That said I do not think YABU to question this. Once you or someone you are close to has had an experience of abuse, you are aware just how easily these things can happen. For people that have never experienced this/known someone who has, then it's easy to dismiss it as 'anxiety'.
You are obviously a good mum and want what's best for your daughter. It sounds OK to me, but only you can make that decision.

Trust your gut @Foodie27.
While many children enjoy sleepovers, they're not essential, so you don't have to let your daughter go. Would a day time get together make more sense? Shopping or swimming or whatever they're into and a nice treat lunch?
While I'm not in any suggesting this boy is a threat, the reality is that many predators also appear not to be a threat.
I'm sorry you've had some less than supportive replies.

I’m not going to let my son do sleepovers until he’s in his teens and I feel confident he can stand up for himself and assert his own boundaries. I know I am an outlier in this but I’m not exposing him overnight to other kids and adults who might have profoundly different views on things like internet safety etc.

I will tell him I understand he thinks it’s unfair and is frustrated by it but it’s a decision I have made and will stick to to keep him safe.

What?
Is this an older teen or someone a fair bit younger?

There's nothing wrong with this approach - it's not like sleepovers are the only way for kids to have fun!

Thanks so much for some really supportive and reassuring replies. The mum is so lovely and kind so I’m sure it will all be ok. I’m just such a worrier!

@pitchblackstory

She's 11.

You're definitely not on your own OP, I've m seen threads on here with many people who say they will not allow sleepovers for this reason.

For me, the answer is it depends. It would depend on the age and stage of the dd, what I knew of the parents, the friend, the brother... There's certainly nothing wrong with being cautious about this sort of thing. Things happen...

I don't understand the issue.
Your son's friend has an older brother and he is also going to be home. You know the mother well. Do you have any issues with the elder brother. If not then there is no problem I wouldn't even think about it

I would not allow any sleepovers 🤷🏻‍♀️
It’s not a thing in my culture.

Honestly, no I wouldn't and I don't think that means I need to seek professional advice re my anxiety...

In my work i have worked with numerous children who have experienced csa and some of those were whilst at sleepovers. I think once you've been aware of enough cases of it you just don't want to take the risk. For us it's just easier to have a blanket rule of no sleepovers.

I always think about how the Wonderland paedophile ring was discovered when one of them raped their daughter's 8 year old friend on webcam when she was there on a sleepover.

I would pretty uncomfortable with my child staying anywhere where an unknown man was also staying.

No YANBU. Echo what @AhBiscuits and @BlueWhippets have said.
Things do happen. We will have a blanket rule on no sleepovers due to something that happened to DH when he was a child with a friends dad. And also we are both teachers now and you would be very surprised the amount of csa and other awful things that go on at things like sleepovers.
I'm not sure anyone can be too careful when it come to the safety of their child. Your kid, your decision.

I think people were trying to be helpful and were asking questions as your OP wasn't 100% clear. You did then have to clarify. You have asked a question and posters have taken their time to respond to you.

If you trust the mum (which you seem to do) and your DD wants to stay, then I would let her go. But if it is going to make you anxious then maybe delay it for a few years. Unfortunately you cannot bubble wrap your children (or anyone) and everything in life comes with some amount of risk.

I find it a bizarre assumption to decide the brother (who probably won’t be home/have any interest) would be any reason to prevent your child from sleeping over.

I think it would be very overprotective to not allow your daughter to go to the sleepover because her friends older brother was there.
I think that's quite sad. I have a girl and a boy and the boy is older.. never occurred to me anyone wouldn't want my daughters friends sleeping over simply because there was an older boy in the house.
Obviously it's different if you have some real reason to be concerned about this specific boy... but simply that he's an older boy. No.
The mum who you know will be there too.. and if you think she's a good mum and her home is fine for your daughter to stay in, it's very unlikely that her elder son is randomly some awful bad boy.
I mean obviously there's always a slim chance of bad things happening... but I just don't think you can live your life worrying about such a slim chance because it will negatively effect your daughter to be that anxious over her.

I also find it bizarre to assume all will be ok. Any adult can be a secret abuser, even if they seem like a lovely person. It's sad but true.

But how do you go through life not trusting any adult? I find it more bizarre to assume all will not be OK and that all males are potential rapists/abusers unless they can prove otherwise (and how exactly are they supposed to do that?)

How do you teach your child when it's OK to trust a stranger (eg when they're lost or in an emergency) if your default position is "Don't trust any adult ever"? They're the children who are the most vulnerable as they haven't been taught ways to determine the difference between a "good" adult and a "bad" one.

I was raped at Uni, so I know that there are men out there with bad intentions, but that doesn't mean that I teach my DD to treat every man as a potential rapist. I was raped in a park in the early evening, I haven't taught my DD that there are potential rapists hiding in every park, but I have taught her how to keep herself safest if she finds herself in the park alone in the early evening.

My DD has been taught what behaviour is OK from an adult to a child and what is not; she knows what to do if she ever feels uncomfortable/unsafe in an unfamiliar situation and I've taught her how to assess the most safe people to approach if there's an emergency but I haven't taught her to avoid any male over the age of 16 "just in case".

By all means if the family in the OP was one where the older son was known to be a bit of a tearaway/hanging with a bad crowd/into drink or drugs/been in trouble with the police etc where the OP might have legitimate concerns then I would understand the hesitation but the fact that an 18yo older sibling who happens to be male is in the house should not be a blanket no.

We wonder why women are often left to do the childcare but then any male who is even in the vicinity of a child is treated with the utmost of suspicion even if they're just living their lives in the same house ... This poor 18yo is just living at home with his mum and sister and yet is a potential abuser in the eyes of many MNetters - if he was an 18yo sister nobody would bat an eyelid, but because he's a male then he's treated with suspicion when he will probably want as little to do with his 10yo sisters sleepover as possible.

@melj1213
Completely missed the point but I do agree with teaching your child what is and isn't acceptable and even robust safeguarding measures fail.
I don't think anyone on here is saying hey we should be teaching your child that every adult/male is a potential abuser etc or mistrusting every adult, it's not wanting to put them in a situation out of your control where the worst COULD happen. FYI some abusers are also female.